living without reserves?

I suspect there's some learning for me to do.
I've not taken much holiday this year as I work whenever I can and keep my holiday "just in case" I need it for things like having to look after my kids when they are ill, or if there are holidays when there is no-one who could look after my children. This may be prudent, as today I may well be taking a day of my annual leave so I can look after my girly. I've said to my boss I'll see how I feel. I'm not fully well myself but I'm not at death's door. The concept of taking time off work sick for me has always been that if I can get out of bed I am well enough to work.

These definitions of holidays and sickness are not really the way of living I want to have. Why am I prioritising work in this way? Is it a strong work ethic, or is it fear? The contract for my main job is up for tender this March and I'm aware we may not have jobs this time in 5 months. I don't want to have sickness on my record if I wasn't particularly sick. I also know I push myself with a fear that things could be a lot worse and I "ought" to save up for those potentially worse times - so I don't want to take a day sick today cos next week I might feel a lot worse and need to take it then. But if I don't go back to bed today and rest, maybe I will be worse next week? And if I'd taken some holiday last week maybe I'd be in a better place this week?

It's all a bit of a guessing game. What I do know is that the best question I asked myself this morning was "where does it make sense for me to be today?" and the answer was at home. And so that's what I decided. Asking what is right for the now seems a better way of decision making than worrying about the what might be.

I've also had to call out the boiler engineers again as having a boiler that works when I turn it on seems pretty important when we're not well. I am beginning to think I might not have another couple of years left in the machine but need to get it sorted sooner. Once again I've prepared for this and have enough money saved up to buy one. But then I will have no reserves, so what if the car, or something else major breaks? Again I think the question has to be "where does it make sense to spend my money right now?" I do think I'm being encouraged to live in the now and trust it will be ok, rather than fear for the future. Scary stuff.

Turns out I can't afford a new boiler. Let's hope I don't need one just yet.