lean on me

I am very grateful that two lovely people from church called round this afternoon, since I'd had a bit of a weep in church this morning. I think they were maybe telepathic as I'd just moments before left a message on their home phone asking if they'd help get me out of the house for a dog walk. I spent the entire walk getting a few things off my chest. They very gently also pointed out one of my tyres was flat, I've pumped it up and am hoping it's not sunk again by the time I next look out.

In news that is either very good or very bad, I on their suggestion went round to see my neighbours and they have a similar damp patch on their ceiling. So it could be they have a leak, in which case they can sort it all. Or it could be I still have an as yet not located leak and I'll have to sort their house as well.

The Dyson still says it all. But I remain stubbornly grateful for lovely friends.

regroup

Trying to deal with the water coming through the kitchen ceiling yesterday tipped me over the edge. It's still not sorted but I'm sure I will get it fixed in time - it's no longer dripping through so the plumber and therefore i too, have no urgency around it. Today my plan is to regroup. To be kind to myself.  do the work that needs doing at my own gentle pace. Have an evening off, in my own company. And just be for a while.

... Really pleased with how I've paced myself today. Gone very gently but also got plenty done. It's most unusual for me to long for just my own company, but I am very very happy that this evening it's just me. I have made peace with myself over issues I've felt out of sorts about this week, and I feel way less stressy than I was feeling at the end of last week. Hopefully another day of the same tomorrow and I'll be back to coping with life's challenges again :)

max exceeded

The debris in my Dyson now extends way above the max line. I wonder if this is a reflection on my life - I feel I have long exceeded my maximum capacity and this is echoed in the fact that I certainly don't have time to empty my vacuum cleaner (and I'm not even sure if it works on the principle of a vacuum, but it's definitely not a hoover as it's a dyson, so is there a synonym or do I just have to keep reiterating a brand? tsk).

One recurring struggle this week, so clearly the place for my needed growth, is around the personal impact when we encourage people to do the right thing for themselves but we are affected by what that then means for us. More opportunities to look at unresolved stuff - yay!! Will I have reached enlightenment when I can fully embrace and be happy with the decisions other have made that have changed my life??

The good news is that even though this has been a difficult week there are lovely things on the horizon. I'll perhaps launch my rent a hug scheme tonight, when I'm hoping to be able to fulfil a request for a hug made last week. I'd say it's in exchange for a brew as that's what has been offered, but of course it's in exchange for a hug as I can't give one without getting one ;)

let me just check down the back of the sofa...

Just before leaving for a big sing, I got a call with good news, that I could complete on my new mortgage this friday - whoop! There's "just the matter of the £8,000 shortfall". Now I know when I had to do quadratic equations the other day, it was a bit of a struggle for me to drag from my brain the info that has remained unused since I last did quadratic equations 25 years ago. But I managed. Maths isn't my most favourite subject, but I am really not so daft as to have miscalculated by £8,000. That's nearly a year's wages, where exactly do they think I could pull that from with a day's notice? Of course, I'm fairly sure it will be error (on their part) somewhere along the way. I'm supposed to leave as soon as I can after 9 this morning so will try ringing them before then on the offchance they start work early. Given that they rang me after 6pm, maybe they have extended hours? I wonder if I can charge them for loss of sleep by anxiety caused??? Tho as there's a whole range of folk on my heart right now maybe it's not all down to number juggling.
Speaking of juggling, today I'm a 5 phone woman. Was it Reggie Perrin's boss who had a desk of phones? I don't wish to emulate him, but it looks like it's gonna be a busy one...

...
As I suspected, their error and they will actually need to reimburse me around £1500 (no, I didn't bill them for my sleepless night). They offered it by cheque or bank transfer. Now the latter would save me a trip to preston when the bank is open, so that's temping but I thought I'd best check if there was a cost difference. The former is free, the latter £42. Why do they not need to mention that when giving me the choice?
I've used 4 of the 5 phones. Good job I'm a good juggler.

aufwiedersehenbaddentagliebegrossundfuzzenheartmitkinderundhoundampillowmmmmmzzzzz

I was amused and impressed yesterday by a friend's ability to turn situations into Germanic sounding compound nouns. On saying she could make a career from it she asked me to give her another. And so I requested "can I have a word for the uplifting feeling I get when after a very challenging day I see a sleeping child with dog also fast asleep on same pillow?" and her response is today's title :)

If I was to have to repeat a day, I would very much hope it wasn't yesterday. To be fair I think the point of "groundhog day" is in the learning to react differently and whilst I'd rather things weren't so challenging at times, I think I did well enough albeit not perfectly, in my responding. Not all was as bad as it could have been, so the scarf lost on the night hike was found thanks to kind friends helping to search. And my foot injured when a stool was dropped on it doesn't seem to be broken. But it was definitely a day of scrabbling round looking for the positives. There is something about sleeping cute kids and animals that is restorative and I shall carry the image in my head today as it makes me smile.
And today, today is a new day :D

stop/go

I had to break the rules yesterday. There was just the one worker at a section of roadworks that resulted in a single carriageway. Each end had the sign showing stop and there was a lone guy in the middle waving traffic forwards. I suspect it's cos it was lunchtime.
There's a roundabout near bamber bridge that I'm not keen on as the number of lanes feels scary. But the last couple of times I've driven round I've just trusted the lane markings and have ended up on the motorway without incident so I guess they knew what they were doing when they marked it all out.
Sometimes I find trusting easy, sometimes I battle with it. Yesterday was a mixture of being able to celebrate my own part in the last 14 years, and struggling with the disappointments that rise when I can't trust that all is well. But there is still plenty of leftover cake B-)*

"We can't direct the wind but we can adjust the sails"

*this is fortunate. It's been a day. I need a stiff cake.

teenage kicks

An early start for present opening, then out to work first thing unusually for me. Back with hopefully enough time to finish trying to return the house to its pre-sleepover self before then yet more cake and celebrations :)  she's not decided where she'd like to be taken for tea yet so that's still a mystery!

be ok

It transpires not everyone is as concerned as I am with what the neighbours think. I'm guessing it's a middle-class obsession? I'm going to explore it in my next counselling session as it's definitely limiting my life. I spent a good proportion of last night worrying that the new neighbours would be upset by the noise from the teenager sleepover. In a bid to reassure me, my boyfriend texted me that it would be ok, they'd just knock if it was too loud. And so I tried to explain that were that to occur my humiliation would be immense so it would be far from ok. How funny that it seems like the worse thing in the world to be too loud. I suspect it's because I'd hate to be thought of as thoughtless.
Plenty to work on there. Wonder if I can find someone who will ease the resultant tension from my shoulders? Hug anyone??
But in happier news I returned yesterday to an unexpected large cheque for the solar power I generated. Getting the panels feels like the first major independent decision I made and so it's great to have proof it was a good one.
This morning I need to pretend I'm a man as I've been asked to read a non-inclusive version of an otherwise good reading. It's fine as I just remind myself it was written by a man so I am just saying his words as he relates it to himself - in my mind it makes the reading harder to relate to than an inclusive version, but that's me. And I'll wear an imaginary beard.
...
The imaginary beard worked for me, I threatened to stroke it as I proclaimed "but now I am a man" but I only did so in my head and several folk commented how nicely I read. Turns out I felt more dissonance over the line about not scoring wrongs - I know I've done that in the past so that felt more antithetical than announcing myself male.
And now, despite already swimming in leftover cake, I need to make another so it can be freshly sung over/candles blown out/cut on the birthday itself. Good job I love her :)

M.O.A.T.

I'm not even pretending to go swimming today, the teenagers only need me there to pay. I might even just leave them there and go looking for presents (no I won't - reading my book in the tropical mists or trudging round Blackpool in the rain with a host of Christmas shoppers, not a tough choice). I have my dragon novel I've not picked up in ages, and a blank pad of paper so I can either write a business proposal or joy down ideas of festive purchases. Or maybe even both. A handful of Christmas cards so I can maybe write letters in them for the people with whom this is my only annual contact. I also have my phone, tho how long the battery will last remains to be seen. I've recently started playing a crossword type game online which is lots of fun but drains the power from my phone whilst simultaneously boosting the power of my brain (hopefully). I discovered yesterday that a jo is a beloved one. Nice.

I'm missing some of my beloveds.
Whilst I know I'm enabling the celebrations to happen (Mother Of A Teenager feels like it needs an acronym, I have just a couple of days before its an actual reality) I already feel a bit surplus to requirements. Not many hugs likely today but connecting by card writing, and the internet, hopefully that will do the trick.

I've got a reduced spectator rate for the first time and it includes £3 worth of food - I'm so easily pleased!!! Trying not to be grumpy that I could have had that on previous visits as it's important to me to focus on what I have not could've had. Already a bit bored n have 5 hours to go - that Christmas shopping may become more appealing!!

I have written 2 Christmas cards. And it's only 22nd Nov!!! And interestingly for one of those I texted for the address and she said she rather likes the Christmas hug alternative I've offered these last few years...

cuddles for sale?

Oh my! I am very excited. Tomorrow I'm ensconced in a waterpark and was going to start thinking about Christmas properly, but instead am seriously thinking I might work on a business plan instead.

For as long as I can remember when people asked what I wanted to do for a living I said "hug people". Well, it seems a woman in America didn't get put off by people's dismal of this aim as idealism and has set up a shop where she charges people to have an hour of cuddling.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/woman-opens-professional-cuddling-shop-gets-10000-customers-in-first-week-9870211.html

If I decided I really wanted to do this, I could do it you know.
So do I want to?

Already lots of questions jump up. I already know the challenge of work/life balance. If I'd been cuddling people all day would I be less keen to cuddle my family and friends? How on earth could I charge people for it - could I put together a health case and write a proposal for funding and say get referrals through the NHS so people didn't have to pay? Practical issues of safety, of covering rent, all that would need addressing. How might others react - particularly I'm thinking a partner of a client might have feelings if they had come to me for a cuddle service. Of course, one of the fab things about cuddles is you can't give one without getting one - my health benefits would be enormous :D

So, what do I want to do with my one wild and wonderful life - is this part of my calling I could professionalise??? We shall see (meanwhile lower your expectations now of recieving a Christmas card...)

...
More questions. If one of the most important things to me is relationship building, does a one off fixing approach work or should I be looking at how to build touch into relationship building - but just how would I make this into a job rather than my life already? Could I not create a cuddle corner as part of a community setting - maybe our envisioned new church space - but how on earth could this fit with safeguarding practice? If I couldn't offer cuddles to vulnerable adults and under 18s does it become exclusionary? And I've been asked about the validity - that the value of cuddles is in the knowing the person wants to give the cuddle  - "you are cuddleable" rather than is doing it because it's their job. Still reflecting :)

structural changes at a domestic and global scale :)

Today my aim is to manage my stress better, as the slight headache I had just before book group suddenly exploded into a full on tension headache with the inevitable throwing up and crawling to bed. I really seem to be feeling the shortening days, trying to cram the dog walk in before nightfall has ratcheted up the pressure, I don't do deadlines very well.
Working through my lunch break yesterday meant I'd not bought anything for tea, again magnifying the angst. Today I will take a lunch break :)

I've still not heard Do they know it's Christmas 30 but have read a fair amount of opinion about it via facebook. I have mixed feelings about it, as part of me doesn't want to dismiss anyone's efforts to make a difference, and despite the dodgy wording I do like the atmosphere of the 2004 version. I can see that reaching  a particular target audience that might not otherwise donate is useful, though like many I question the imperialist ways of going about it. I liked this article, though have only found the time to read the first half so far:

http://www.aljazeera.com/news/africa/2014/11/bob-geldof-ebola-africa-band-aid-bono-one-direction-famin-20141113833733496.html

I'm also reminded of what I recently read in David LaMotte's book about the importance of both aid work but also making structural changes, and that looking down on those involved in a different aspect doesn't help anyone. Something that's true of everything, surely.

supported by an invisible multitude

At a meeting yesterday I wasn't supposed to be at, I bumped into my former colleague and much loved friend who also was standing in for someone else. We sat next to each other and I reveled in her warm company, something I used to experience daily.  We last met up 4 years ago but Facebook means we are still in regular contact - yay for social media B-). I'm very lucky to have many friends who I don't see for months on end but are still right there, unseen but far from unknown.

I've been having my milk delivered for almost a year now. Notwithstanding regular email correspondence with my milkman, and evidence of his visits in the form of both bottles and bills, I've not yet actually seen him. The dog has, and barks each time, so I quickly rescheduled from daily pintas to multiple less frequent deliveries, as I don't enjoy being woken in the early hours.
There's something a little odd about having such regular yet invisible contact, tho I guess it's not different than other services I take advantage of without ever seeing the provider. I was trying to think of examples but I do try and wave at my binmen and say hi to postie and offer lollies to the electricity meter reader. But of course there are thousands of people who each day make my life better without me ever having met them, and certainly not thanked them. So the folk who keep my internet alive, my water running, who grew the grapes and dried them and added them to my granola. It's why I buy fair trade stuff wherever I can cos how greedy is it of me otherwise if I don't even bother that those tea pickers are earning peanuts or the peanut growers can't afford tea?
There's so much to be grateful for, seen and unseen :)

haystacks full of needles?

I still seem no closer to locating the missing paperwork, tho given that I have put at least a thousand sheets of various paper into the recycling, I must surely be nearer? I have along the way shredded phonebills from 2001. This was not on the to do list but has freed up a folder that I will soon (hopefully! how much patience do saints have to have?) be able to fill with New mortgage paperwork so I'll then no longer have to file that on the floor.
The shredder has developed a squeak but no time to investigate that. I have to get out and actually do work that pays :)

magic wands

Sometimes when I'm supporting mums I warn them that I won't be bringing a magic wand. It would be nice if I could "fix" things for people sometimes. When my girly was not well it would have been nice to make everything better for her in an instant. I purchased lots of lemons and kept plying her with fluids, so had a good attempt at helping, but really all I could do was be there.
And of course that's how it is. No-one has a magic wand. But we do get to be there. Even that can be hard - it's hard to stay present when someone is unwell, or unhappy. And the being there isn't always physical. I still remember gladly the friend who sang, in a different country, whilst I was having my operation last year. I have friends who I know are there for me even tho we go months without speaking. Sometimes tho I hanker for a commune with all my friends right there always!!! And sometimes I long for that magic wand.
Today I need to make a phonecall I'm dreading* but it will probably be fine, it usually is.
Whatever it is you need today, I hope you find it in abundance.
xx
*am waiting for him to call back, prolonging the agony, but the secretary bloke seemed very reassuring, "oh i wouldn't worry about that" :) Meanwhile I'm tackling a paperwork mountain on a search and rescue mission - very grateful that spotify is working this week unlike recently, so I can singalong whilst hunting. I paid for a download of the Children in Need track so it's morally ok to listen to it on spotify I presume? No luck finding the lost statements so far, tho I've made the overhang less treacherous.

Maybe my missing bank statements are in my in tray?

meze

Not being a natural chef, I opted for a meze type meal to make for my friend and me last night. Yes the falafel and halloumi needed cooking, but popping pitta into the toaster is just about my level so all was well. And as a bonus there is plenty of leftover salad and cheese so I have a yummy lunch to take with me for my day long choir rehearsal. In fact I'm taking extra along. There's always someone who didn't get chance to bring any food with them, so my challenge is to find who that someone is today and offer to share!  And Yes, I'm getting to sing for a whole day, which is great as I've not been for a couple of weeks cos of childcare issues.
I'm still a bit wobbly as so much is unsettled but today is much brighter.
...
I found my person who was in need of my extra lunch :)
And my friend from last night pushed through some "not for Christmas chocolate" ie I can eat it now if I like, I don't have to save it. :)

full bags

I'm really struggling at the moment. But I have my list from yesterday's blog so will try and work through that. Cub bag pack this morning means I won't so much carry strangers bags as fill them.

I'm really pleased I invited a friend over for tea - meant I've eaten something lovely, and enjoyed hanging out with her.

maybe this is mine - see last blog!

Love wholeheartedly.
Hug.cuddle. Stroke furry creatures.feel the warmth.
Smile at strangers, offer to carry their bags. Sing - ideally in harmony with others. If alone sing loud!.
Go outside and breathe really deeply.
Focus on something - anything, the toilet roll, a berry, your thumb - and really really look at it and appreciate its colour, texture and awesomeness.
Phone a friend.
Turn the music up and dance.
Eat something that's lovely.
Smell someone that's lovely.
Look at the trees, watch clouds, bend down to touch the grass.
Surprise someone with a random act of kindness.
Be kind to yourself always.
Love wholeheartedly.

 Always easier said than done. I'm finding it so hard to fit everything in now it's getting darker earlier. Good job I bought a glow in the dark ball to throw for the dog!! Bit nervous about "not leading" my church's choir tonight. And it means I don't get to smell my regular Friday evening friends. And tea tonight is definitely going to have to be the (by now separating in the fridge) trifle :s

poetry in motion

'We live our lives in prose instead of poetry. The challenge is to sustain vision in the reality of life.' Rev Richard Coles.

As I've mentioned before I'm not big into poetry, but I get this quote. I'm aware that at the moment the reality of trying to get through is obscuring the joy somewhat. Not enough contact with the idealists in my life, or maybe not enough opportunities to share my visions with those who like to encourage me?
This morning I'm lucky to have flexibility with work so am going in late so I can first go to my son's school poetry event.
Meanwhile here's a quote I saw on Facebook with some reminders of what can be fun:

"Be present. Make love. Make tea. Avoid small talk. Embrace conversation. Buy a plant, water it. Make your bed. Make someone else's bed. Have a smart mouth and a quick wit. Run. Make art. Create. Swim in the ocean. Swim in the rain. Take chances. Ask questions. Make mistakes. Learn. Know your worth. Love fiercely. Forgive quickly. Let go of what doesn't make you happy. Grow."
Gregg Braden.

I once swam in an outdoor heated pool when it was snowing. Too decadent for me to totally enjoy but also amazing. Today I have as always no intention of making my bed and will loosely interpret the invocation to make someone else's - I'll see where I might help someone out.if I have time later I'd like to write one of these of my own - maybe you also could think what it is for you that has you feel alive? Hope you too get to do lots of what helps you live/love/laugh :)

trifle

My interesting fact about trifle is that its name derives from the fact it has three layers: jelly, custard and cream. I'm not really a massive trifle fan but for some reason was in a trifle mood last night and found a kit in the cupboard only a few years out of date and so made one :)
Lots that overwhelmed me yesterday. I will be sooooooooooooooooooo glad when this paperwork related stuff hanging over me is done with. Sadly i do know that even when the current worries are finally dealt with, there will no doubt be further paperwork that needs attention.
But today is crammed even more than usual, I'll be out all day. Not sure when I will get a moment to buy provisions - maybe we will have to have trifle for tea?

trace / no trace

Maybe I don't get out enough? Yesterday's excitement came courtesy of a gas man who turned up when I reported a leak outside when I got home from work.
It was one of those times when I wasn't really sure whether to do anything or nothing. I got my son to give a second opinion and he could smell gas too so it wasn't just in my imagination. But it wasn't a strong smell so there's always the worry you're wasting someone's time. Anyway the kindly man answering the phone said I'd done the right thing, and the guy who turned up did locate the leak further down the road. I was very impressed by the thorough testing, he waved various machines around inside and out, and drilled holes in the pavement and all in all kept me entertained for a good couple of hours. A busy evening made busier, and I'm glad we didn't have to evacuate or anything, so this morning am focussing on being grateful.

NT means no trace of gas apparently. all clear from this hole outside my house :)

unseen

Amongst the large pile of accumulated stuff on my bedroom windowsill is a tiny pocket kite. I really ought to put it in a pocket as clearly it has no use on a windowsill. Except today my attention was caught as its tissue thin tail trailed over the sill edge and was lifted in the warm air currents rising from the radiator beneath. I watched it dance awhile and marvelled at the fact that I don't usually think about the air rising, I'm just glad when I feel the heat :)
A bit later I went over to the windowsill to get something else and shifted the tail to see if I could get it to rise more if the tail was longer. And couldn't get it back into a position to move at all. There's something there about greed I'm sure! I needed to get going for work anyway rather than admire air currents all day but I'm sure the image will stay with me a while. I hope you get to glimpse some wonders today too :)

goodies and baddies

We had a bit of time before the 2 minute silence to explain what it was about. I asked who we might want to remember in our time of quiet. In asking the question "who dies in wars?" one answer that came back was goodies and baddies. I was pleased that the children knew that people on "both sides" die in wars, but obviously wanted to explore this goodies/baddies concept further.
When we came to play our football later, I divided us up according to eye colour and asked why I might have done it that way. We got to talk about how we don't decide our eye colour and we don't decide where we are born, and that the side we find ourselves on in a war might be just as arbitrary. We talked about how God loves everyone equally :)
The children shared how townspeople can be killed in war, I got the opportunity to talk about conscientious objectors as someone hadn't come across that term before, and how some died in their front line roles as medics not fighters. We thought about how peace can begin with us.
Funny how after the event we can be glad we did it :)

humanizing opponents - will there be football?

I have spent several hours trying to pull things together for Sunday school today. Somehow it often seems to be the case that I'm on the rota for remembrance Sunday. As a white poppy wearing pacifist it it always a tricky service for me without the added pressure of wanting to honour the expectation that we will in Sunday school discuss remembrance fully, whilst also remain true to myself.
Despite hours of prep, I still don't feel ready. My plan is to focus on the Christmas day truce and I have a few other letters from soldiers on both sides talking about choosing not to kill others when confronted face to face. I'm hoping we'll talk about how we love our enemies and how peace begins with us. It feels a bit discussion-heavy, so not much of fun or interest for the younger ones. Maybe a game of football will be called for, see how that leaves them feeling?
 I think my anxiety is to do with people perhaps feeling I'm not doing it properly. But the few pages I read of my world changing book last night included the suggestion that we have to humanize our opponents.
From the very little I've seen of football, I know there's the potential to try and degrade those who are not on your own side. We'll see what happens!!

I know it's just the old doubt that others will think someone else would have done it better. Truth is I've put lots of prayerful preparation in and it's great that I'm doing this B-)

... I couldn't find a football so improvised. I imagine there was a lot of improvisation happened in the trenches. We used some plastic bags balled up and it made the whole game safer in its indoor venue. We had some good discussion.
I feel self conscious in my white poppy. I've not seen anyone else in my town wear one. Perhaps that comes of living near an army barracks in a town where many work for the local armament manufacturer. Maybe next year I could get a whole lot of white poppies on advance and do a display in church and really get conversations going?

achy breaky heart

My shoulders ache. I'm not sure if it's cos my body's not fully well, but I think it's the accumulated stress of such a trying week. A very kind alto offered me a shoulder massage, and a soprano gave me an unexpected and very welcome hug. And then singing o holy night was just what I needed, I'll miss them this next month.
I really need to take things gently today, tho there's a host of activities I need to get us to at different points. Bluebells to be planted at the cub hut - I'm hoping that will inspire us to then get our own bulbs planted. Then onto the church Autumn fair where I'll be taking the opportunity to plan Sunday school. I'm proposing we talk about peace making, I hope it's not controversial.
Then I'll be making the most of film club by using that time to be fed a curry, it sounds delicious and includes ingredients selected for their cold busting properties.
But none of this will happen unless I shift my aching bones out of bed.

peacock

There's something about peacocks that I'm drawn to - I suspect it's the seemingly impossible colouring. I have a fragmemy of a memory from a school trip as a child. I don't remember where we went but I do remember seeing an awesome strutting peacock.
The last of the four jigsaws (before I snaffle more up on sunday!) is one I knew would be hard. I'm actually not really enjoying it, it's too frustrating. But I find the feather colours mesmerising - it's as if the eyes on the feathers have a shimmering aura. Maybe I will frame it once I've done it (tho we all know I won't get 'round to that). My girly suggested taking it back and setting up a church jigsaw swap. I love her thinking, saves anyone having them unused on a shelf. But it's not something I want to take on.
Into work early today, quite a bit of making up of time to do. Ive spent more time this week than usual doing relaxing things like reading and jigsaws. I feel far from relaxed tho. hoping to have a gentle weekend!

sticking like glue

The poor dog gets really really frightened by fireworks. He crept around last night trying to stay as close as possible. Understandable really - one of the best things we can do when we're scared is stay close.
Still juggling work and a sick child today but at least I don't feel ill today. and the boiler is working - yay!!!!!!!!

I laughed at parts of this: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/nov/04/woman-tax-gender-con-french-feminists-equal-pay-day
tho of course its basis is outrageous. My girly has to wear tights to school and I'm glad my son won't have to when he starts high school.

main provider

I shared this on fb recently but it didn't attract any comment. I'm not sure who wrote it originally, but I think it's interesting and important.

"While women in our society are taught that their worth depends on their physical beauty, men are taught that our worth depends upon our performance, our control, our accomplishments. At some point, like so many women, many of us realize that we will never be able to fulfil the expectations placed on us. But instead of questioning the patriarchal culture that has burdened us with these perverse and insatiable demands, we come to believe that who we are is not good enough.

In an effort to avoid feelings of vulnerability, we methodically replace emotional expression with emotional numbness. And so, in our disconnection from self and others, we unlearn what it means to truly love.

As bell hooks puts it in her book, The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love, “The reality is that men are hurting and that the whole culture responds to them by saying, ‘Please do not tell us what you feel.’”

When we forget what it means to love, we often desperately search for cheap replacements: we work long hours at work in an attempt to receive praise and recognition; we watch porn or buy prostitutes in a distorted attempt to feel loved and sexually fulfilled; we buy an endless number of things in an attempt to fill the painful void of loneliness within. Until we, as men, face our fear of vulnerability and begin telling each other what we feel, nothing will change.

Right now, there is a powerful, growing movement of women who are rising up all around the world to demand an end to violence. This movement is a struggle for equality, but it is also a call back to love. It is an invitation to all people to transform the dominant culture from a culture of violence to a culture of love, starting from within our own hearts. We owe it to all women to stand beside them as they say “enough is enough!” We owe it to ourselves to finally invite love, in all of its fullness, back into our lives."

I'm also wondering if since I became a single parent I have taken on more masculine concerns/stereotypes as well as the ones I already had? In that now I'm main provider, I feel a pressure to provide. If that's why I throw myself into work, and worry about balancing the books? I don't think I feel my worth lies either in my beauty or in my performance. And no-one could say I'm not emotionally expressive ;) But I do think it's interesting to reflect on how becoming a single parent has changed the pressures for me. 

Here's to keeping on working towards a society where all of us live in a culture of love :D

living without reserves?

I suspect there's some learning for me to do.
I've not taken much holiday this year as I work whenever I can and keep my holiday "just in case" I need it for things like having to look after my kids when they are ill, or if there are holidays when there is no-one who could look after my children. This may be prudent, as today I may well be taking a day of my annual leave so I can look after my girly. I've said to my boss I'll see how I feel. I'm not fully well myself but I'm not at death's door. The concept of taking time off work sick for me has always been that if I can get out of bed I am well enough to work.

These definitions of holidays and sickness are not really the way of living I want to have. Why am I prioritising work in this way? Is it a strong work ethic, or is it fear? The contract for my main job is up for tender this March and I'm aware we may not have jobs this time in 5 months. I don't want to have sickness on my record if I wasn't particularly sick. I also know I push myself with a fear that things could be a lot worse and I "ought" to save up for those potentially worse times - so I don't want to take a day sick today cos next week I might feel a lot worse and need to take it then. But if I don't go back to bed today and rest, maybe I will be worse next week? And if I'd taken some holiday last week maybe I'd be in a better place this week?

It's all a bit of a guessing game. What I do know is that the best question I asked myself this morning was "where does it make sense for me to be today?" and the answer was at home. And so that's what I decided. Asking what is right for the now seems a better way of decision making than worrying about the what might be.

I've also had to call out the boiler engineers again as having a boiler that works when I turn it on seems pretty important when we're not well. I am beginning to think I might not have another couple of years left in the machine but need to get it sorted sooner. Once again I've prepared for this and have enough money saved up to buy one. But then I will have no reserves, so what if the car, or something else major breaks? Again I think the question has to be "where does it make sense to spend my money right now?" I do think I'm being encouraged to live in the now and trust it will be ok, rather than fear for the future. Scary stuff.

Turns out I can't afford a new boiler. Let's hope I don't need one just yet.

pot luck

We bought 4 jigsaws at Sunday's church jigsaw sale. They are beautiful quality. Thick wood, with unusual pieces - convention-defying straight pieces randomly distributed throughout the middle of the jigsaw, the odd circle, and several intricate birds or squirrels. They are much harder than traditional jigsaws as they don't follow the rules. You can't pigeon-hole a piece as an edge or an inner piece as it could go anywhere. Two we chose for the picture, and two are "pot luck" ones, meaning there is no image on the box to follow. This of course makes the task even harder. I sometimes do jigsaws by holding up a piece and scanning the cover to see if I can isolate exactly where it goes. I don't do jigsaws with a repeating pattern as I suspect I wouldn't get any satisfaction from it - it's the matching of the changing tones that I enjoy rather than the challenge of the near impossible. Last night, with one child ill and the other intrigued by the concept, we attempted - and completed - one of the pot luck ones. I really really enjoyed it. The mystery, not knowing at all what it might be but quickly picking up clues - "this looks like the headlight of a car!" The gradually piecing similar parts together knowing that it will come together even tho you don't understand how it might end up.

I'm sure I don't need to draw the analogies :) So even though I have no idea what the end result is going to look like, I intend trying to enjoy each unexpected piece along the way :D

...
I'm hoping I've not got flu. My girly is still off and I keep telling myself I have just a heavy cold. Hopefully after a rest day today we'll both be well tomorrow? I'm definitely getting worse which is not good :( But I did manage to do lots of work from home cos I can still talk on the phone :)
I also broke a drinking glass and couldn't quite believe just how many tiny splinters of glass it produced!!

not leading?

I do like to sing and am part of singing in several places. In my own church we gather from time to time to practice for significant services. This Harvest, I noticed on the morning of the Harvest festival itself that we hadn't gathered. It's not an option any more for the man who usually leads us. And so I asked a few of the other folks who are usually involved, and we agreed we'd get ourselves together in time for Christmas. I keep making it clear that I'm not leading it, I'm just making sure it happens. Which, I'm well aware, may actually be my definition of leadership.

This will make getting to my usual Fri night choir tricky in the latter weeks of this month, but i'll see what I can manage. It also means that this morning I'll be dashing straight from my early morning work session to go and see the former choir master to see what we can borrow. I did a bit of work last night to offset today, but mainly spent yesterday hanging with my kids - yay!!!

someone is with you

I've never really asked people what it sounds like in their heads, maybe today I will. Let me try and tell you about mine. There is pretty much a constant stream of me talking to myself, and it's those thoughts that I try and then put down as my blog, and sometimes emails to various people.
Sometimes tho I have a sense that even if I don't write them down, my thinking has already been heard. I don't know if it's how I see God, or if it's that I feel that I have my loved ones so close, it's as if they are with me even when they're not. I don't always feel this way, sometimes I feel cut off from those connections. But it's great when I do feel I have loved ones with me. The voice doesn't change, but it's as if I have their wisdom and love influencing my thinking.
One of the many fischy songs I like has the refrain 'someone who really matters is with you'. It's got me through some tough times. Whoever matters to you, I hope you can hear their encouragement today.

empowerment

One of my aims in life is to empower others, to give encouragement so they remember to believe in themselves so they have the space to figure out how to do whatever it is they'd like to do. The thing about empowerment is that it's not me, it's them. When someone thinks it's me that fixed it, then I've not done any empowering. I can be part of the solution, but I am never the solution. When people say "I couldn't have done it without you," I feel like again I didn't quite get it right, tho I get that they are appreciating my help through the medium of words, which can never really express all we'd like to!! So I can give someone a hand - be a sounding board, help point out the loveliness and capability in themselves as I see it when perhaps they're a bit fogged to it.

I'd been feeling like I'd failed this week but was very happy to realise that actually the world and its turning isn't actually all down to me and people can and do sort themselves even when I think I've not quite got things right with my aims in life to love and empower. that's a relief! The people that have empowered me this week have been the ones who have noticed my panic and stayed hopeful, reminding me that everything always works out (even if not as expected).

Shortly the most important people in my life are returning. Following on from yesterday's blog, these are the only two who came into the world needing me totally. Part of my job as parent is to empower them to not need me at all. When they're here they wind me and each other up enormously and I wonder how we can live together, it often feels very stressful. When they're away I miss them massively, and experience a different kind of stress, I guess we might call that separation anxiety. How rubbish then that I'm in an eternal state of stress, when I somehow thought life and love was supposed to involve joy. I know I will need to spend a considerable amount of the rest of this weekend nagging them to do homework and eat vegetables. Sometimes I feel I spend too much time being sensible and thinking instead of just turning the music up loud and dancing. So this week, instead of worrying about my place in mucking up the universe, I shall try and look for as much joy as I possibly can, in the love of my friends, in the tapping of my feet and that doubt-free lily in the field :)

... I've had a productive morning of work and volunteering and have purchased as much as I could carry of the foods and drinks that my kids enjoy. Now I'm getting impatient and if they don't arrive soon I might even have to clean the kitchen sink that i keep putting off ...