Agricultural delights

I don't know how my Dad does it -I'm shattered from pushing Mum's wheelchair all afternoon. It was over a bumpy field, which must be harder than standard pavement. I suspect I will ache tomorrow.
Well worth waking at 5.40 - I forget how lovely the light can be early morning. It was a glorious drive up and I made it in time to display our entries in the tent. I managed to catch my Dad being interviewed live on the radio and felt very proud - he's been the Secretary of the show - in his element, but worked his socks off.
Next year's show isn't going to clash with the Bank Holiday either, so I'll be back :)

stranger friends

I've been searching through old photos. I want to put up a few on my celebration - my daughter suggested doing a whole timeline, and I did ponder finding pics so that every guest appeared at some point - but that is all far too big an undertaking. So I'm just finding a few. And it turns out I'm not actually on many of my photos. But what a joy to suddenly come across a picture that has two people I love on it. Only when I took that picture, I only knew one of the people - it was still to be a few years before I'd "meet" the other and his wonderful family.
I'm still blown away by this - maybe we are on some of their old photos too? I just love that it pays homage to the supposedly cheesy "a stranger is just a friend you've yet to meet".
I'm off mega early tomorrow morning to Cumbria. I shall take my photos happily, regarding everyone in the frame as a pal in the making. And leave you with a poem (yes, me sharing a poem!)

THE UNKNOWN FRIENDS 
By Edgar A. Guest 
From: The Path to Home, 1919 

We cannot count our friends, nor say 
How many praise us day by day. 
Each one of us has friends that he 
Has yet to meet and really know, 
Who guard him, wheresoe'er they be, 
From harm and slander's cruel blow, 
They help to light our path with cheer, 
Although they pass as strangers here 
These friends, unseen, unheard, unknown, 
Our lasting gratitude should own. 
They serve us in a thousand ways 
Where we perhaps should friendless be; 
They tell our worth and speak our praise 
And for their service ask no fee; 
They choose to be our friends, although 
We have not learned to call them so. 
We cannot guess how large the debt 
We owe to friends we have not met. 
We only know, from day to day, 
That we discover here and there 
How one has tried to smooth our way, 
And ease our heavy load of care, 
Then passed along and left behind 
His friendly gift for us to find.

not giving up

I saw this quote this morning:
Take care of your thoughts when you are alone and take care of your words when you're with people.

I've made some monumental muck ups with my words recently. But it's just conceivable that the thing the unfortunate recipient of my words mosts needs to know is that it's possible to forgive ourselves when we mess up big time, so if I can model that then good will come out of it. This reframing is important. The damage caused by hurtful words can't be taken back - just like the damage of harmful thoughts about ourselves has an ongoing impact. But we don't have to leave it there. I'm aware that the words I said will stay in both mine and the hearer's words for a long time, and that there will be occasions when I'm reminded of it by her - that's what happens with unhealed hurts and seemingly circular arguments. So next time she feels let down by me again, I know it will be brought up and I will have to keep working in the meantime on my feelings of guilt/regret so that I can keep hearing how disappointed she is without sinking myself. So that's the taking care of my own thoughts part. If I don't keep remembering I'm doing my imperfect best, I won't be able to bear her disappointment.

We sang an old Fischy song over the weekend, on how even when we mess it up and think "this is the end", Jesus never gives up and says "I'll be your friend". Sometimes it's tempting to think we've blown it this time, the situation is irredeemable. But whilst of course we always have the choice to walk away, we also too have the choice to not give up on others or ourselves. I shall today be not giving up :)

you're in my bread mix

I made a poster yesterday, cutting and pasting the old fashioned way. It most definitely looks handmade - my recycled (and hence off white) printer paper noticable against the sparkly white background poster with the Christian Aid logo and charity blurb on. But I like handmade. My poster explains to people about the bikes I'm raising money for at my celebration. I'm getting quite excited.
Out early today but maybe that means I'll be back early - I'm working tonight too, making the most of filling the time whilst the kids are away.

I've been reflecting on how those who we love are with us always. This month I've been so pleased to catch up with various "old" friends where despite numerous changes in the interim, we've been able to pick up just where we left off. I've been trying to support someone who is scared she will be forgotten by those whom she is no longer in contact with. A brill friend once suggested to me we're like bread mixes, and once we've encountered someone with whom our heart has connected, they are forever part of our mix and can't be separated out. They change our constituents, as we do theirs. I don't think we ever get baked into an unchangeable end result, but everyone is always there in us, making us who we are. So whilst I'm a bit sad that I'm not in touch with all I love as often as I'd like to be, I'm still incredibly grateful that they are with me all the time nonetheless.

nearer and nearer draws the time

I had 2 birthday cards in the post today - already!
And my geography teacher has confirmed she is coming up - I'm so pleased - but if people are travelling halfway up the country I can hardly just offer them cheap lemonade, so today I started purchasing the soft drinks. Being the kind of person who drinks tap water, this has been a challenge - how do you estimate what 140 people are going to drink - will they bring their own booze, will they be expecting classy alternatives (need to scout for offers on posh soft drinks), if I'm getting orange juice I want it to be fairtrade etc etc.
So for now I have a rainbow of pop and will think which of my friends might be able to bring jugs in case the choir mainly want to drink water. The choir leader has just agreed to my list of 22 songs so we're going to get rather thirsty...

abundant generosity

For varying reasons I didn't get to a single talk at greenbelt this year. this felt like a bit of a failure until a wise friend shared that he hadn't been to a talk at gb in many a year either. I think my ultimate benefit from greenbelt is that - when others share a similarity so I don't feel quite as bad about myself as I did at the start of the conversation. A wonderful woman I barely know made a deliberate effort to share with me how hard parenting can be at particular ages and acknowledged that trying to do that at gb as a single parent must be particularly challenging. I don't know that she has any idea how important that acknowledgment was to me at that moment.
Having been so many times now, I think the programme provides an important backdrop, but the thing I value most is the contributions of the greenbelters rather than the contributors per se. The myriad acts of kindness that remind me that the world is full of good people doing good things. The pooling of food for picnics; random sharings of encouragement in queues; activists passionate about their charities; the lending of pillows, and a blanket put out for me as someone took a moment to be thoughtful and act on it; buying of icecreams for the children; the volunteers making it all happen with smiles on their faces; strangers literally taking the burden off your back and carrying it for a while. Being around such generosity is contagious and I did most of these things as well as was on the receiving end of these gifts.
Life is like this outside of greenbelt too - I want to keep noticing that and ensure it happens more abundantly throughout my whole year.

And here are some quotes from my children:
A: When asked by me - there must be a limit to how many hours of tig can be played in a day - "yes, 24"
J: "That's the whole point of camping mum, that you don't have to change your socks..."

communion

Wanted to blog days ago but my phone wouldnt let me - but I'm back now :)

There's so much I love about being at greenbelt - I love that you can stand in any queue - for the loo or a gig - and just start chatting with the person next to you. The communion service - as always - was a joy. I just don't get to hear the word goolies in my regular Sunday worship. And yet I'm also aware that I maybe wouldn't like communal living as much as I imagine. The teeth cleaning is one of the harder moments for me - all around a big steel sink, and I find myself studiously avoiding eye contact with the others gathered there for their own ablutions or to rinse dishes - it feels too intimate somehow to stare with a toothbrush in my mouth - and you know how much of a fan I am of intimacy.

There's lots I have to catch up on. It's been great but I'm glad to be back :D

essentials

I didn't read the letter properly, the one accompanying the wristbands that says everyone's tent must be 3 metres apart etc. It looked the same as last years info, and the year before that, and... You've got the picture. It meant I didn't know no cars were allowed on site after 3pm. So after a very very very long journey we then had to lug as much of our stuff as we could from the carpark. I told the kids to just take the essentials on the first trip. In my mind this meant the cooker and veggie hotdogs so I would become less grumpy having made tea. For my son however it meant the cricket bat (still unused). We all have different priorities. I have mainly stayed laid back, and the point at which I could have cried a stranger insisted we use the back of her bike to transport the cool box. People are ace :-)

road well travelled

Greenbelt is also 40 this year. I'm really looking forwards to going and am seeing it as the start of my birthday celebrations. It will be great to reconnect with lots of people I've not seen for a whole year - and in some cases much longer - one of my friends from down South is going for the first time and I can't remember the last time I saw her. Some loved ones won't be there this year which is a shame, but I'm so pleased my daughter's godparents will be over from Istanbul - it's such a brilliant place to gather. I've not forgotten tho that I've found parts of previous festivals v v tricky - it's the highlight of my year but it's not without its stress and has a lot of emotional history. I'll be travelling down in the t-shirt I bought there when we were celebrating our 21st birthdays - lots has happened to both me and greenbelt in the intervening years!!

I've shaved my head so the lack of showering will be less obvious, so I'm feeling prepared and reasonably relaxed about anything we may forget. That's my plan - I want to be laid back no matter what. People focussed not deadline driven - it really doesn't matter what time we get there. I hate catching myself yell "we told her we'd be there by now" which I seem to shout with alarming regularity. One of the beauties of greenbelt is there is so much to delight in, if you don't make it to an event at a specific time, there's always some other joy to behold instead. I'm already smiling :D

worth every penny

I have no idea what it is he's rolled in, but the dog found something disgusting to lie in outside, just as I was about to have an early night. And so I bathed him (removing the anti flea chemicals I had applied the very same morning having forgotten for weeks to put them on - WHY would it be the same day?). This week I have spent way way more on the dog (trip to vets plus paying someone to look after him so I can go to greenbelt) than I have earned at work.
And yet when he woke me in the middle of the night by barking, I knew he was worth every penny. At book group one of the many conversations revolved around recent burglaries in my town and how a couple of people have woken to find intruders right there in their bedroom - to say this freaks me out is an understatement. So for all his (many) annoyances, I know I wouldn't have slept at all last night if it hadn't been for his reassuring, if stinky, presence.
Lots to cram into today. I found yesterday that a to do list is way easier than a to be list. With a to do list, once you've done the task, you cross it off. Yesterday there was a few mins when I felt relaxed and I thought, ah good, I wanted to be relaxed today. Tick! When 2 hours later I was seething, unlike say mowing the lawn which when done is off your list for good, I felt I had to pop "relaxing" back on the list and so it never gets achieved - which I guess is the whole point but is going to take some practice...

"To be" list

how disappointing to wake up and so discover the lasagne we'd spent ages preparing will not actually do us for tea tonight after all! Although I'm relieved that I no longer have to work out a way of getting my car back from the undriveable track where I abandoned it ;)
So, in reality, the kind of day where lots of things are planned so let's hope it goes smoothly. I'm luckily able to take my kids to work with me as I couldn't find any childcare - they will sit quietly in a corner whilst I run a group - although my girly may well entertain the littlies if I know her. Then onto a fun swimming session i've found, and back to meet a shower guy. This is my latest hairbrained idea. If I get a shower that is heated independently, I could turn the boiler off for the entire summer (next summer, clearly. this would have been a much better timed idea a few months back).
Meanwhile I read a suggestion of creating a "to be" list. Here's the start of mine.

Today I wish to be:
compassionate
fun - loving!
attentive
relaxed
and warm and open hearted.

Such a fab idea - we can get so hung up on what we have to do, we can forget that it's way more important to be who we would like to be. Ultimately my goal is always to love, not to get stuff done. Enjoy your loving too :D

heavenly host

I happened to glance out of the window, having just been asked over the phone what "good and new" thing I wanted to share. There was the most incredible cloud I've ever seen - the corkscrewing parts in the middle a phenomenon I've never witnessed before, and all very reminscent of doves. Or as several facebook friends have commented, an angel.
Following on from last week's vivid rainbow, I feel very lucky. The sky is full of beauty. We don't often get to notice angels, but they are there.
I'm beginning to pack for Greenbelt and have heard rumours of another heat wave, which will be a welcome change from last year's torrential rain. I'm also back to work properly today and don't feel quite ready for that either. I shall be keeping my eyes open - glancing upwards as often as I can but staying firmly focussed on who is ahead :)

inspiration is everywhere

We were today inspired by the actions of a bloke in Preston who is using the temporary steps of which I spoke yesterday, to undertake a two steps forwards one step back project. We've not seen him - I guess you don't need to witness something directly to be inspired by it. He is spending much of the next month walking two steps forwards, then yes, you've guessed it, one step back - up the Harris Flight. It's described in the blurb I read as "a positive message, regardless of life's struggles, people carry on with their everyday endeavours." So when my kids were tired walking back from the other side of our small town having visited the cake lady (one of the nicest people I've ever met, so encouraging of my kids, it was lovely to be in her presence), I discussed the 2 s f 1 s b concept which energised them no end! We had to vary it of course or else we'd never have got home. We got lost as it was, and didn't even have the dog with us on such a long walk. So at one point it turned into 200 steps forward, 10 back. But as strategies for helping people concentrate on getting somewhere instead of moaning about how far they've come, I'd recommend it. I shall keep on moving forwards, with the occasional back shuffle, cos that's how life is...

all you need is love

I got some good doses of love yesterday. My minister encouraged me to be myself which is always sound advice. And in the evening a friend commented on how she had missed my hugs - being appreciated is such an affirmation for me and I guess for lots of us. I got to be kind on numerous occasions and that's a key thing for me. Whilst being kind is no bad thing and clearly great to do as much as possible, I am aware that too much of my self worth is wrapped up in whether I'm kind. I want to like myself all the time and not only when I'm "doing good" if that makes any sense.
I was awake so thought I'd get cracking with some of my computer tasks. Today I mainly want to pay attention to my kids and they rightly don't like it when I divert my attention to the screen so I may even turn it off so I can fully be with them. We have a long list of things we're hoping to do together - some are tasks but some will hopefully be fun. We have an appointment with a local cake lady to discuss the design of my birthday cake. Since the being 40 is only an excuse for celebrating, I don't want that to be the focus of the cake's decoration. The theme - in the choir songs too, and of my life - is love, and so the 3 of us are looking forwards to seeing how this might translate in cake. I'll keep you posted - tho not literally. She did say that fruit cake is much easier to cut into small pieces, and could even be sent to those who aren't attending. So I did contemplate it. But I don't like fruit cake and as it's my birthday, I thought it best to go for something I like. But I will in 3 weeks share a picture. In the meantime, all we need is love, love; love is all we need.

not walking my talk

I really need to learn ways of stopping worrying. Today's futile concerns are about my birthday party, still nearly 3 weeks hence. I'm partly excited - singing yesterday with One Voice on some temporary steps up to my local city museum reminded me just how much I love singing with them. Even in the rain we know how to have fun. So that's good - I need to be around people who know how to have fun!! I'm also feeling sad tho - several of my best friends aren't able to make my party, they live too far away or whatever. And I'm sad that none of my Black and Asian friends are likely to make it, meaning the choir leader will be the only Black person celebrating with me and that just feels wrong. And having spent much of last week not loving people in the way I'd like, I'm struggling to be nice to myself as I feel I'm just not walking my talk. I have two lots of church today, maybe there will be opportunities to get back in touch with the me I want to be.

tension

It's been a while since I had a tension headache - I used to get them much more frequently, so it's good to notice that I don't have them so often. But yesterday I was stressed and tired and by early evening had to go to bed for over 12 hours and was sick anyway.
Sorry these blogs are so dull. I shall seek out some inspiration and write more eloquently soon...

And back

It's good to be back - if only because I can blog so much more easily from my lovely computer :) I still need to go and buy some milk - not had a brew yet today. One of the best bits of the holiday was on the way back we detoured via an icecream place and I esp enjoyed the creme brulee flavour.
No singing tonight which is sad but I do get to sing with One Voice tomorrow.
Hopefully I'll get my head together too and can blog more interestingly...

sand

I'm not a sun, sea and sand kind of person but it was the holiday my kids wanted and their happiness is pretty much the most important thing to me. So yesterday saw me sat at the base of a large dune, enjoying the warmth of the sand through my dress. My girly wanted me to join in the barefoot dune running but I explained not everyone likes the feel of sand between their toes. She was especially pleased therefore to notice later that I was boldly paddling barefoot in the sea, warmer than I had expected. The dog had lost his ball in the water so I was trying to locate it. Had he not lost it, we may not have stayed through the drizzle and so have perhaps missed the most vivid rainbow I've ever seen.  Not too tired to get that metaphor!

let me entertain you

I brought my book group book with me as unusually I'm able to attend this month. As holiday reading choices go, a novel about the holocaust may not have made sense however. I wanted to laugh this holiday not weep. I'm glad to have read it tho, even if the emotions around loss and separation were unbearable.
In a more hopeful move to produce light hearted entertainment, we brought along the DVD player and 30 family friendly films. Sadly we forgot the remote. We have sat for some time to see if any are ones that will start by themselves if left long enough. No. I'm too tiredfrom sleep iinterrupted by scampering seagulls to work out the metaphor...

scampering seagulls

I'd forgotten how noisy caravan rooves can be. The downpours of last night had me convinced we'd have to have the car towed out of a mud bath today to get off site, but it looks fine actually. The seagulls are the worst. The look magnificent and I'm quite enjoying admiring them. But there are hundreds and they land on the roof with a jolt and scamper up and down, incredibly noisily.
Today's plan is a daytrip to Snowdon.

short cut

My newly nine year old thought it would be really funny to beat us back to the caravan last night after the late night entertainment by haring off by himself and taking a short cut. I guess most of you can predict what happened next. I don't know how long he was missing for, it felt like ages but was probably not even half an hour of frantic searching in the dark trying to stop my imagination from having a field day.
I was pleased that when we finally got to hug again I didn't tear a strip off him, I asked what had happened, what he was trying to do and if he had felt scared. I corrected myself when I told him it wasn't safe, cos in this instance he had stayed safe so I congratulated him on staying alert. I also sobbed with relief and hope he never does it again. He's not even woken up yet today, I think his near midnight adventure has had an impact.
As it's wet and windy today a lie in is no bad thing...

Sunday

One of the great things about being on holiday is losing track of which day of the week it is as youre no longer in your usual routines. The kids are booked onto various activities so we will need to remember what day we're on. Last night was kayaking which they thought 'awesome' so that's good.
Today is Sunday. I often go to church on a Sunday, tho not exclusively and I certainly don't think of God/my faith/church being a Sunday only thing. We're hoping to go to Britain's smallest cathedral and that may b today - I'm looking forward to that.

a change is as good as a rest

Which is good, cos so far I've not done much resting. I'm not very good at relaxing as you know and so far I've been rather uptight about things that have not gone well. But Ben has now bought me an appropriate afternoon drink (my original choice raised an eyebrow. I didn't know some drinks were only for an eve). And I've had a moan about some of the stuff in my usual so nice it doesn't sound like im complaining way, so hopefully it can get put right. And maybe the dog will settle... Here's hoping!

take some time to celebrate

The first album I ever bought was Madonna's "Like a Virgin". I can still remember the awkward silence in the car when I told my parents of my intention. As a parent now myself I can see why! So I still have a soft spot for lots of Madonna songs. For obvious reasons, her "Holiday" has been the song in my head these last couple of days. Yesterday I posted this quote from it on facebook but I don't think anyone got the reference.

"Let love shine
And we will find
A way to come together
Can make things better..."

I'm really hoping that a holiday will help us all find ways to make things better. It will take a bit of a headshift for me as I'm still a bit anxious - about fitting all the stuff in, about how much it is costing, about how much hard work having the dog there is likely to be. But I really really want to take some time to celebrate being with my kids whom I've not seen enough of this summer.
I love blogging and being on fb as it's the main way I keep in touch with my wider network of lovelies. With no wi-fi on the caravan site I may not be able to blog as frequently as usual, but I shall - as always - do my best to do what makes sense for me :D

wrong

My girly is sad and I'm not with her - that's v hard for the both of us. She wasn't able to talk to me last night about it and won't be able to do so til later. I've suggested that meanwhile she could talk to me in her head, or talk to God in her head, but I do know it's not the same as talking to someone who can hug you at the same time.
My littlest has turned 9 this morning and his presents and cards are unopened at the bottom of my bed, til he comes back at 2pm. Sometimes things feel just wrong.
Still, it's just a delay of a morning and I'll try and get loads of work done, and then we shall be together for over a week and will probably drive each other to distraction!
Last night I had just a few sweetpeas to give away and didn't have an opportunity til I got to where we rehearse so gave them to the guy on the desk. That felt all wrong too as I could see he wasn't sure what my intention was. I don't like this feeling of wrongness, this disconnection with people. Maybe I need a holiday ;)

last min

I'm trying not to be grumpy. But. The holiday company sent me an email reminding me about my holiday, suggesting that if I wanted to check if my particular holiday included towels, to click a link. The link took me to a page showing our holiday, with the current price of twohundredandsomething pounds instead of the nearly 900 quid I paid. And no, it doesn't include towels. I understand the concept of late deals, and of course am trying to hold on to the fact that we got a great deal at the weekend because I booked last min. But it feels very harsh to learn just how much less it would have cost booking our caravan this week - something I'd never have knowingly gone to look up cos I know the danger of comparing. I might thank the company for sending me the email and suggest they reconsider the link.
I only started packing yesterday, and those very same bloomin towels seem to be taking up all the space we have in the one suitcase I'm allowing between the 3 of us. There are 5 of us going. Plus the dog. So that's the main body of the car filled already. The dog's cage takes up a considerable chunk of the boot. I'm normally great at travelling light. In this instance I'm considering not just decanting travel wash into a little bottle, but not even taking any and buying it all when we get there. I'm keeping 3 emergency teabags for our immediate arrival, but otherwise all food shall be bought there, rather than my usual foodbox.
Our initial plan was to go to France en famille, and much as I'll miss the weather/culture/company, I have to say I'm now glad we only have a short rather than epic journey. The kids have already declared they've done enough travelling in the car this holiday and I'm not surprised. Having 2 separate households wanting to take them on different holidays has its advantages, but actually they have had enough of traipsing up and down the country now (and there's still quite a bit of it to do).
So yes I'm grumpy. Last main day of work, the getting a sing tonight. Hopefully I'll come back later a bit cheerier...

mirrors dimly

I was pleased with the photos I took in Coventry Cathedral - the reason I chose my particular phone was for its camera as that's the main thing I use it for. My kids both took some photos with it too, mainly through windows - the bunnies on the grass outside our hotel window, and the sun setting on the way home, through the car window. In their photos you can see what they were trying to capture, but also there are scratches, reflections and a misty film where the light bounced. Looking at them on my not-so-clean computer, I'm trying to work out if the smears are on the photo or my screen. Having deleted most, I then started to think about the symbolism there too - the stuff that's on our lenses impacting on what/how well we see. Or actually should we be dismissive of those fingerprints that reduce the clarity of what we view - just cos I think the main focus should be on what is beyond, who is to say that actually what is beyond is anymore important than what's right in front of us...
Hope whatever you're looking at today you get to notice just how amazing it is at any depth :)

Being sent to Coventry would be no bad thing

I loved Coventry Cathedral so much! I cried more than once. Thankfully my lovely, lovely friend was there with me to just hold me. Reconciliation is such a powerful theme. Talking to my Grandma about it later today, years on since she visited, she remembered the words written on the wall: "Father forgive" - not "Father forgive them", but the far more poignant and controversial at the time admission that we all need forgiveness for our part in all that's unjust and unpeaceful. (Unpeaceful may not be an actual word, but humour me - it's been an incredibly full on day.)

There is so much symbolism - if you've not been I can't recommend it highly enough. On first walking in, the inside looks pretty austere, but as we started to look around, all the masses of light and colour and meaning become apparent - and once you get to the altar and look back, you can see all the windows that were hidden upon entry. Did I mention I loved it? :)

good choice

the hotel is ace!! v pleased with the choice i made, kids have now been in a sauna for the first time, im delighted cos i dont have to wash these towels! there are bunnies outside our window. i even had an alcoholic drink with my meal, my ever astute daughter asking if my choice was something i actually wanted or was it cos it was the cheapest on the menu..the deal i got was great so i felt able to leave a verybig tip as well as tell them just how happy we are with the service - yay!!

Are we nearly there yet?

Nearly there now! Reunited with my children later today, tho a bit of a journey to go and get them. I want to make a note of my learnings, see if I can put them in place for next time they're away for a long stretch.

• I must buy smaller milk cartons when they are not going to be here. Milk that's gone off does not taste nice on cereal.
• I need to make arrangements for the very start at least, so that I'm not on my own and debilitated despite having lots I could do. So no point having a long list of inside tasks or even fun projects that I think I'll do on my own. I've not read a single page of my book whilst they have been gone. But going out on the bike ride with my friend was a fab endorphin maker.
• Little connections with others who mean lots to me helps get me through. A friend texted out of the blue to say she loved me and that meant so much. Another emailed to say she'd spotted I'd not posted much on fb, a sure sign that I'm struggling – I was so touched that she'd noticed. I need to remember to let people know I'm finding things tough cos only then can they help me.
• But of course what I actually need to do most of all is work on my emotional healing. I know that it's not really the children not being here that's hard – it's what it represents when someone goes. The underneath fear about people going and not coming back; the doubts as to whether people really want to be with me; the unresolved feelings of rejection and loss. Until I can heal from all that, every little leaving is going to be overly difficult. I suspect this one is much harder to do than remembering to buy smaller milk, so wish me luck...

Bad Samaritan

I'd always thought that one day when circumstances allow, I'd become a Samaritan. A friend has this week reminded me that just as I say to new mums, the situation I'm in now will not last forever, and actually it will just be a few more years then I will be in a different "season" in my life where childcare is no longer my number one priority and I will not have to miss out on opportunities that I currently keep saying no to. So one day I'd like to be able to volunteer for them. However, today I'm wondering if actually I'm not cut out for it. I have a couple of friends who did not have the best of days yesterday but because of their complicated lives, if I were to text and say I was thinking of them it, their situation would potentially become worse. I guess that is what I'd find hard about being a Samaritan - listening to someone at a hard time but not being able to ask the next day if they felt any better, or tell them that I still cared and was thinking of them. I guess when the time comes, I'll have to see if I've got more adept at trusting/letting go...

rude

Yesterday I seemed to encounter rather a lot of rudeness. This was particularly evident in the guy who leaned out of his car window as I crossed a zebra crossing, to shout out a sentence indeterminable except for the final word which was clearly "bitch". The trick I have found is to try not to take people's rudeness personally. People have issues of all kinds and can sometimes be so stuck in them their ability to interact kindly is impeded.
That was just one small scene in what turned out to be a soap opera script of a day. Today I'm thankful that once again the weather is dry and breezy, so I can continue to wash and dry the mountain of towels and bedding drenched by a leak from the loft. Sometimes having the practical crises alongside the emotional ones are a blessing in disguise cos it's easier to feel like you're taking practical steps to do something about it - they feel more knowable, containable and have a more easily defined and attainable end point.
I am very much hoping that today is so boring that no-one would wish to televise it...

fit for purpose

It won't surprise you to know that I'm not a fan of the phrase "fit for purpose", as I think everyone and everything deserves to be accepted just the way we are without expectation of how we should be. There was an interesting bit in my dream last night tho in which I was instructed to provide a ruler for my daughter's new school and had to make it by squishing 2 marshmallows together. Of all the things to draw/measure a straight line on a pristine piece of paper, a short, sticky glob of gelatinous pink squish is never going to do the job. I'm not sure what my dreams were trying to tell me and cba to analyze it.
Looking forwards to a lie in tomorrow, tho my excitement about singing tonight has been tempered somewhat by the realisation that it may be my last in over a month. My summer's childcare plans have also been flung into disarray so I really ought to be concerning myself with the re-arrangement of those but can't summon the energy - maybe I'm just going to trust that everything will simply fall into place with no effort on my part, or maybe I'm just too tired right now...
I wonder if today I'm going to be a marshmallow ruler? Could be fun :D

warts and all

This morning my mind was working over the implications of the phrase "honest as the day is long" and I asked myself the very question does that mean we're more honest in summer. I've since found this, with some amusing answers:

http://www.smh.com.au/news/big-questions/if-someone-is-as-honest-as-the-day-is-long-are-they-more-honest-insummer/2008/05/16/1210765144784.html

Apparently it's to do with "day" rather than daylight, but I did wonder if we are more likely to be honest in the light than the shadows or nightfall. And I like the concept that when it's light/hot we wear less clothing so are more exposed. You know me, I'm all for exposure - tho never literally, I like my scarves and cardis too much. I don't really understand the pull to hide - if who we really are, warts, flaws and all, are not wanted then maybe that's not the right place for us to be anyway. But that's me. We're all different and I can understand the argument that a wart under a plaster is maybe safer for everyone.

Today I have also discovered that denouement is to do with untangling of knots rather than a revealing in a becoming naked kind of way. Funny how you think you know something and it turns out you have the gist but actually not the right thing at all.

I've also been making space helmets out of card, tissue and polythene pockets. It's been an interesting day so far :D

dual ended candle burning

I'm awarding myself a mere 2 out of 10 for my attempt to get an early night, but I feel way more cheerful than I have in a while so it's OK! I was having a whale of a time trying to pick a hotel for Sunday - I'm collecting my lovelies from their grandparents who will bring them halfway back up the country, and then we will play out with friends the next day. The camping plan has gone awry and I'm now after somewhere else to kip - so could go for something basic, or could go for something exciting, with breakfast and a pool, and we could have a mini holiday. I love the planning holiday stage - looking at places and imagining me and the kids in that particular place. It's a good job I don't like shopping cos with my imagination a lot of money could get spent if I were to picture my "new" life with every exciting item available. I'm not very good at actually picking somewhere tho - the responsibility for making a choice that will please everyone.
I feel I'm in the downhill freewheel now - it's not long til we are re-united and the time left til I see them again feels manageable. Meanwhile despite my ridiculously late night I'm up early again for holiday club, but far from grumpy today. Today I can feel the love - hope you can too :D