mislaid

I've lost my pendrive. I wanted to transport (password protected) data between 2 places and carefully put it in my purse for safekeeping. Then promptly forgot about it and weeks later it's no longer there. There's a couple more places I could look, but no point re-tracing my footsteps after so long.
The hardest thing is to be vigilant in silencing the voice in my head shouting "how could you be so stupid". I wouldn't talk to anyone else like that, I certainly don't want to talk to myself like that. It's very hard tho. I don't feel I take as much care of "things" as I could. Tell me your fears and I look after them safely. Lend me a book and I can't guarantee a glass of water won't get knocked over it whilst it lurks by my bedside for months on end. This of course is the right way round. But because "things" matter to others, I feel I need to try a bit harder to make them matter to me.
I recently encouraged a friend to be kind rather than hard on herself for losing something, so I shall be practising what I preach.
I'm doing my best. I'm doing my best. I'm doing my best...

Love in action.

All the time I'm learning new ways of loving people. I know I have listed before things people have done that have shown me I'm loved, so I'm not going to revisit that list, tho my brownie-making friends, you know who you are :D

Next time I am privileged to have someone share they have a specific illness, or need for a medical procedure, I will offer to search for some info. Searching ourselves is just plain scary/silly as there is so much out there to fuel our already over-ripe imaginations. This morning an amazing friend found all kinds of useful info for me, without me asking, to put my mind at rest. She thought about what she could do that might help and did it. How fab is that?

Asking someone how they are/feel might seem very little but it really matters. Showing delight in someone's good news – that is such a boost. Someone yesterday told me they'd had some good news, and it turned out it was my good news – how great is it to hear that someone shares your good news as theirs?

I know some people who do love really well. I feel very lucky.

overflow

I was already having a weepy morning even before I watched this:

http://www.upworthy.com/if-you-were-looking-at-the-beautiful-picture-this-guy-is-looking-at-youd-have-this-reaction-too-5?c=upw1

I made a new gorgeous friend last night and we spoke lots about the importance of connection. When we're not connected it's so hard. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to live in a different country from your child. I'm very glad to be seeing some lovely people this afternoon with whom I have great connection and can weep away til my heart's content. I'm very blessed to have people I don't have to pretend with and can just be the me I am with my overflow of emotions. People who love us for being us are very precious. I think that's why dogs can be so lovely – they are great at showing delight when we turn up, and seem very accepting of who we are. They still have their own agenda of course, revolving around being walked, fed etc. But in the main, they just seem very comfortable to hang out with the who we are. I hope you notice just how many people are wagging their tail just cos you're you today too.

we are not alone

I found this very powerful. Embracing our light doesn't mean ignoring our dark. That none of us need battle alone with whatever our hurts are.

http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=upw1

We all need each other. I've also this morning come across this, and feel very lucky to have such people:

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

More soon...

Transition

We have now met the “pseudo parent” responsible for my daughter's welfare for her next 5 years at school, and I love her already :D Preparing for transition has been well thought out and the both of us are really looking forwards to this next stage of her life. I may need reminding of this when I have to write an inordinately large cheque at the uniform shop.

Last night I read the "compassion" chapter in the ace book I've borrowed. I love the imagery of us having soft hearts, and how every single one of us, no matter how cold we may come across, are in need of being patiently embraced by other human beings. I don't tend to see myself as patient but I'm practising :D

Tomorrow's a big day for me so I'm trying to stay busy today as a way of being patient!! Just wondering if I can mow the lawn in my uniform as I have a small window of opportunity before running a group...

Lifechanging

A friend described a recent trip abroad as lifechanging. He is an inspiration to me (as are so many people) and I've been thinking about what he said. I love how he is open to being changed by what he experienced, and think we can all do this all the time if we wish. Sometimes we expect the big things to be lifechanging and overlook how the small things impact. Tonight we're finding out what "college" my daughter (and as her sibling, consequently also my son) will be in at High School. This feels significant, but maybe a chance meeting today will actually have more influence. Thinking back on my high school days, the friendships and teachers I was most motivated by were not in my "form" groups.

Everyday, every moment, is life changing (tho often we don't notice). I often encounter new people, new ideas, that change my life. I sometimes try doing something quotidien in a slightly different way, just to feel it a bit more. And of course it doesn't have to be about the “new” - my “old” friends change my life too. I was listening to this Fischy song yesterday (a mere snippet below) and thinking that I'd like to have it played at my birthday party whilst we are eating (and so not singing) as I'm so grateful to those who inspire me to be kinder, braver, and to keep going...

http://www.fischy.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/4-you-are-an-inspiration-clip.mp3

Big big love to you and for all that changes your life today :D

darling

I've already been called darling today, by a friendly sounding bloke at a garage who is going to have a quick check on my car on my way in to work. This has put me in a better mood than the conversation I had yesterday which tho well intentioned, was a bit backhanded with compliments, commenting on how rough the boots made the otherwise feminine skirt, and how grey my hair was for someone so young!
I shall see if I can myself call the mechanic darling - I fear it won't slip quite so easily off my tongue. I shall decide on something more sincere and make sure I use it. Good luck with all the love you spread today :D

tenderness

I've witnessed various people falling out recently which I find sad to be around. I'm certainly not perfect myself and know that I shout at my kids way more than I'd like to. We made an agreement the other day that if having asked them very nicely to do something at least a couple of times, they would understand if I then got cross if they hadn't listened. But it turns out none of us like it if even then I get cross at the 3rd or 4th time of asking them to come to tea or whatever, so we need to revisit this. They really really don't like it when I use a cross voice on them, and I really really don't like it either.
I read again recently of a village where a child who has done wrong has their song sung to them by the circle of villagers rather than gets punished, and in my ideal world I'd only show love to people no matter which of my buttons they'd pushed: my tone would be tender at all times. I've shared this story with my kids and said how because I'm not perfect, I can't manage this.
I notice different tones of voice, and hear sparkle in some, defeat in others. A time I was particularly shocked was when my daughter was little and most people spoke to her with warm voices - one day a person spoke to her in a much more gruff tone and partway through referred to her as a boy. I wonder if lots of boys experience that - to be spoken to in less affectionate tones by most people from the get go?

I had such a lovely evening with my boyfriend last night - we'd not had time together in ages, and I think it's easier to be delighted when you are reminded about having to make the most of brief time together, rather than when we forget that any time together is precious. One of the unexpected upsides of my husband leaving is that when the children go to be with him - which I still find hard even now - it serves to remind that we're to make the most of what time we do get together, because it has become more rationed.
The written word tends to have only the tone we the reader perceive - it's why I much prefer face to face encounters or phonecalls than conversations via emails or texts. But I do try to write as well as speak with love - hope you can "hear" it!
xx

for best

A week ago I was given some flowers that included some wonderfully scented lillies. I have enjoyed these flowers so much - I love catching their scent as I move into the room they're in. Little things, when I focus on them, can cheer me up no end. I don't often have flowers and maybe I'm enjoying them all the more because they're a treat? Or maybe since I've had so much joy from them I should consider having lillies around more often?
I've just chatted to my grandma about how she saves her favourite puzzle in her puzzle book to do last of all. It reminded me of my daughter who saves her "best" bit of the meal til last, which I see I've already blogged about. I know of people who save crockery etc for "best", and I understand that it can bring a sense of occasion if things are only used for "special" circumstances. I'm also aware we can deny ourselves so much when we could be celebrating just how amazing each and every one of us are, what a miracle life is. So if you can, dust off the best cutlery, crack open whatever it is you're saving, sport your nicest possible socks and rejoice. Maybe right now is "for best", cos we will not get another right now, so this is indeed the best one going...

raining/draining

Trying to sort the pool finally moved to the top of the to-do list. It's currently draining at the rate of maybe a drip a second so I reckon it will be done by late August (especially as it may be raining more heavily into it than it is emptying). If we are to use the pool for anything other than nature projects, I suspect it will have to stay at the top of my to-do list every day that it is up. Whose labour saving idea was it again??!!

At least right now it is draining itself and meanwhile I can snuggle with the kids in front of a DVD...

I said it was green!

two birds

I had cause this morning to want to use the phrase "kill two birds with one stone" but have never liked the imagery so wondered if there was an alternative. I'm pleased to say others are way ahead of the game and was particularly delighted by this website:

http://www.ticklebugs.com/pages/contests.htm

My favourite contenders include
"Bake 2 desserts in the one oven"
and "Free two birds with the one key"

Language can be very powerful - I shall be on the lookout today for other opportunities to counter violence!! xx

in brief

I think the main reason I'm nervous about this afternoon's workshop is because I've not seen the venue so can't visualise myself running it (tho that didn't stop me dreaming about it in detail last night). For all the listening that I do, I think the visual is important to me - I like to imagine people's names written down for example when I'm told them.
I'm so glad there is singing tonight - I've not been able to go to either of my choirs for what feels like ages, and I need a really good sing. Hurrah for doing what we love :D

when the going gets tough

In life, it's not where you go, it's who you travel with.

My fellow travellers are ace and I'm so grateful for them. They take many guises – some are more distant than others, some are just via social media, some are squabbling in the back seat, but all of them are very precious and I'm v glad they're alongside me on my journeying.

Yesterday, sat on the bus, not knowing anything about the days likely to unfold for the rest of the passengers (except the one I chatted with briefly before she got off), I was aware that most of us interact not having a clue what is going on for the others around us. Later in the day, a bloke was kicking off and I decided not to intervene but was again aware we had no idea what particular struggles he was enduring in the moment. Each one of us is carrying our own histories, anxieties, griefs and hopes, and for the most part, we don't know what others are having to deal with and have to trust we and they are just are doing our best to move forwards with them all. I think we are all walking miracles, and should be celebrated in that.

A recurring theme at the mo is how sometimes people can struggle to get alongside others when we are heavy laden, and how being shunned by others makes the situation feel even worse. I feel really lucky to have several people in my life with whom I can be real, and who travel solidly alongside me – some silent, some very vocal, some dab hands at lightheartedness, some highly skilled listeners. My heart goes out to people who don't have such a robust team supporting them, and I think we all can be a minor part of everyone's team without even knowing it!

I know getting alongside others can be scary – what if we make it even worse? But what if the not getting alongside is what makes it worse? I know there are times when we just can't get alongside someone, it makes no sense. But when we can, even if it's just briefly, we are choosing love not fear. And that my friend is fantastic :D

habitual love showing

One of my fears about blogging is the same excuse I give as to why I don't preach - that I really only have the one thing to say. However, I'm now over the 200 mark, and whilst there is a lot of repetition of themes, it appears I do have more than just one thing to bang on about, or at least I've been able to comment on it from different angles.
Sometimes tho, I check that I've not said exactly the same thing before - and today I wanted to talk about connection but see I've already talked about it in myriad ways. Still, it's good to remind myself of my own wisdom, so I've enjoyed re-reading my own blogs!
Everyday at 5pm, my Dad phones his Mum. My Dad's currently in France for a few weeks and has still rung her from time to time, but I reassured him that in his absence, I would make sure I rang her everyday (tho not at 5, my life is just not like that). Everyday, we run through the same ritual of me saying I'll ring again tomorrow and everyday, my Grandma tells me I don't have to. I always reply I know I don't have to, but I want to.
I'm lucky that I have several people who let me know in various little ways that they think of me. I think it makes a big big difference to our sense of self, so I'm very grateful. It's all the things I got people thinking about in our Sunday service - how do we know when we are loved, how can we show that to others. I know I am loved. Sometimes it's not easy to know how to show others they are loved - but I shall be on the lookout :D

be prepared

I was a girl guide who took to heart the motto "be prepared". You can generally rely on me to have about my person a snack, plaster, tissue - whatever it is you might need. I do like to be prepared and when I'm leading something, put in a fair bit of preparation. But I have over the years learned that one of my key skills is being present and flexible - to go with the what is, and not the what I planned for. I don't know if that makes the time I spend preparing a waste of my time? Today at work I will be working with my colleague on preparing a workshop for Friday that I'll be delivering for the first time. I guess if I'm present in the preparation, then how could it be a waste of time? Maybe for me it's in the being prepared that I can then handle anything that comes up - even if I've not prepared for it!

A few years back I saw a scout's bumper sticker and am delighted that someone's thought of a humourous twist to the motto...

Be prepared - be very prepared!!!

Today I'm prepared for anything - all the love, joy, trust and delight that I can possibly notice. Hope you are too :D

heaven

"Look at the world with judgement and you see hell, look at the world with love and you see heaven."

This is my new favourite quote! I think it is so true that we choose to see what we see and how we see it. So we can be looking at the same situation and view it oh so differently depending on our levels of compassion.

I have a new pool nightmare situation involving swimming creatures. I am trying to view them as part of the world's glorious creation, with love. But I'm not managing very well and am more feeling the judgmental angle – should have bought the cover before we filled it and then this creating a new ecosystem wouldn't have happened. I really really don't like swimming creatures. The pool does not in anyway look like heaven to me, it looks like a green pond with gunge at the bottom and lifeforms inhabiting it. Clearly I shall have to refocus away from that, and concentrate instead on the kind people who have been thoughtful today. Despite painting lots of seascapes today, my heaven isn't water, but the friends who keep on loving, making me smile, caring for me and even being a bit silly from time to time. Hope you see heaven too :)

tag team

My girly is improving but still not well enough for school and I'm keeping everything crossed that neither her brother or I go down with it as I have a hospital appointment tomorrow I don't want to miss. I've already needed to find 2 lots of childcare as it's at school pick up time. I really don't want to have to find a 3rd member of the childcare tag team if either of them aren't at school!

On the plus side, as my bright-even-when-she's-unwell girl reminded me, it means we get more cuddles when she's at home. So I guess I have a day of extra cuddles, which much as I love my job, isn't such a bad swap.

confident

Odd day so far. Am just waiting to hear when my girly is well enough to be picked up from Skem. Have had a productive morning in the meantime, crossing off items on yesterday's to do list, whilst listening to songs from The Sound of Music. Incredibly, I've never watched it – maybe I'll add that to my to do list ;) There's a song I've heard for the first time about confidence and that may well be a key word for today. I saw this quote earlier:

“Confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong.”

None of us are always right, and most of us struggle to like people who seem to believe they are. I think it can be a fine line between arrogance and confidence – so I like this idea that confidence isn't arrogance cos it's not to do with being right – it's being ok with being wrong sometimes. I'm getting better at accepting myself when I get it wrong. And I'm glad I don't often let my fear of getting stuff wrong stop me from giving something a go anyway. So I hope you're making plenty of mistakes today, learning and laughing along the way, and being very kind to yourself and others when we show our imperfect selves :)

do what you love and love what you do!

One of my best moments yesterday was when my girly quoted back to me something she'd seen from one of the inspiring internet things I'd recently shown her. I was doing a spot of painting and she said “Mum, you should paint more often – do what you love, and love what you do!” Now I'm not entirely sure I love painting – and I only ever do it when there is paint to use up after the kids have finished whatever they are doing. (So as there was some sandy coloured paint and blue left, it was a sea-scene I painted.) But I do often get into my “flow” when I'm creating something arty-crafty, so she's probably right, I should be arty-crafty more often, even if it's not with paint per se.

Today I had 6 hours all to myself between church services which seemed an incredibly long time indeed. But maybe crafting services is another occasion when I'm in my flow, as the afternoon disappeared in no time at all and I didn't get done half of the things I intended (I have left the work ones for tomorrow, you'll be pleased to hear). I was very pleased with how tonight's service went, on how we can love others better, particularly Muslims. I think it's really important right now for Christians to look at what can stop us from showing love, and share ways in which we already do share love, and learn from each other as to how we can do that more. Lots of people showed me love and support for doing it, and so the love just grows and grows. Hope that's what you're finding too...

life-life balance

Today was one of those rare as hen's teeth kind of days where I didn't have to set the alarm clock. My girly and I have a day of hanging out with no fixed agenda, and no deadlines whatsoever – yay! I started off by declaring that I'm determined to do no work at all this weekend, but of course this depends on your definition of work. I'm well aware that we all do unpaid “work” all the time – things we'd rather not do such as clean the toilet, but that someone has to do it. So I shall of course still be doing household chores, and there's a service that – unusually for organised me – still isn't fully formed. Nonetheless, I was amused to wake up and discover myself part way through a dream of giving breastfeeding support to a friend. Some support I give in my paid jobs, some I do voluntarily, and sometimes it's just part of my waking (and sleeping) life! I'm really lucky to have found payment for doing things I enjoy. It's not always clear cut for me what is work, and what isn't. No matter, all of it is my life and so I don't feel I need to get a work-life balance as much as a balance between all the things I enjoy doing. Where I'm currently out of kilter is taking a bit of time for myself, so that is what I shall be attempting this weekend. I'm already this morning more in touch with how supported by my friends I am, so I shall hold onto that – the love rather than the doubts – and enjoy some relaxation. Hope you do too!

Inertia

I think I worked too hard yesterday. When I don't have company, that's what I do – I just keep working. And ironically now can't seem to get going to work cos I just don't have enough oomph left. Let's see what I can remember. Singing helps. I'm not singing with my choir tonight which is sad, so I will have to sing as often as I can elsewhere. Reaching out to others helps. I shall have to turn my screen off and get out of here. Reminding myself that this particular feeling won't last. Focussing on the good things. I can do that. And next time I don't have the kids or anyone to hang out with - I need to hang out with myself and NOT WORK...

fences

Amongst the myriad other things I'm currently attempting to cram into my waking hours, I'm trying to prepare for some “alternative” worship I'm leading on Sunday, so unusually have been looking at poetry. This is not something I'm using for the service but it struck me so I thought I'd share it:

The Fence by Lesley Dickens, in Faith in her words: Six centuries of women's poetry compiled by Veronica Zundel.

The framework was founded

before I acknowledged a boundary

but when I saw its bare structure

its feet deeply trenched, its arms

inviting cover, I began to gather

wooden slates, to shape and smooth,

to measure and to count the length.

I did not question. A fence is a fence.

I knew the carpenter's joy,

the pleasure and the pain of wood;

the smooth face of work well done

the bloodied broken hands

I understood. A fence is a fence.

No pretence. It separates, divides,

fulfils a territorial need, sets

out the space in which to live our lives.

The gap grew smaller til I could

no longer pass from side to side

though still could reach your hand

should your heart dare the crossing.

Without a question, I raised the last

plank, set it to bridge a space

took up the Roman nail, placed it

and began to hammer home a hope.

The darkening sky, a black crow's cry

The stillness of a waiting world

Restrained my thudding wrist

Drew my eyes to a wooden pause

To a half-buried memory of you

To a sense of security turned sour

To a prison's perfect perimeter

To the futility of fences in the ninth hour.

As the first tears fell, the drops

That precede the storm,

I lowered my hammer, to ask

the origin, the outcome of my task.

A fence is a fence.

A defence.

A pretense.

An offence.

From whence came the sword

That pierced my heart, to turn

me from habit to honesty

To cut across the great divide.

To challenge me. To hide

or to hope. Neither wood

nor rope could hold

nor my foolish frame withhold.

So must I at the last nail

decide

In whose garden I stand and

how wide

the gap to be bridged between

fenced-in hopes and the hand

that beckons from the other

side.

When we've put so much effort into the construction of our fences, I can understand our reluctance to break them down again. I've not yet regained the zing I had during last night's singing but will no doubt today be on the look out for mine and other people's fences, and offering/accepting a hand over...

with love to the CIA

A warm arms-wide-open welcome to each and every one of you reading this blog, including if you are from the CIA (hello!). One of my reasons for blogging is to spread the love, so the more people who read it the better. The CIA probably don't have “choose love not fear” as part of their mission statement so it's great if someone from there gets to read my own particular perspective on living out life. Call it tenacious, stubborn love, or what you will, I'm a fan of being part of something and trying to make it the best it can be with love from within. No organisation/relationship is perfect but by hanging in as well as I can and keeping on working on the hurts I have felt so that I can keep on love love loving, I hopefully will manage to continue to "be the change [I] wish to see in the world". I know people are sometimes inspired by what I write cos you tell me (thankyou!). I read several blogs where people don't comment – I try to when I can, encouragement is good!! Even these comment-free blogs I feel contribute to changing our world step by step. I bet the CIA have to read some rant filled diatribes, wouldn't it be fab if reading my blog was a pleasant counter to that. (and yes, I know I'm missing the point, and I know they will be skimming for key words and not my have-a-hug-you-matter message, but even subliminally, I hope this brings hope). It's hard to avoid getting shut down by the fear, but it's not impossible. Good luck in choosing the love and joy today people :D

PS, I put "spread the love" into a search engine. There are lots of us with the same wish :D

http://www.lukas-art.com/

is anybody there?

I've just bought some more of the delicious soft but crusty white bread. It's more than I normally would pay but if I enjoy it so much more it presumably becomes better value than buying something cheaper/larger that I enjoy less. Sometimes the bigger choices I've made make the smaller choices easier – by choosing to be veggie, I am less overwhelmed by a menu. Sometimes I can be clear on the bigger picture – to love as well as I can, but the actual detail can then get complicated.

A technical glitch meant I couldn't access facebook and things for a while tonight, and I once again felt panicky at being out of touch. But the truth is once someone is in your heart, they are still there even if t'interweb is down. Everyone used to survive in “the olden days” without being ever connected. Maybe I just need to trust that some more...

Dog people

“But what if they don't like him?” I whined to my boyfriend. He responded: “They like dogs. He does what dogs do. Dog lovers like what dogs do.” And he was right. Within minutes of introducing Whizz to the people who will look after him when I camp this Summer, they were declaring “oh I love him already”. Which had the knock on effect of me being able to see how he is delightful in many ways – his exuberance is attractive (and not always the nuisance I see it as). So, useful to notice that when we see and point out the positives, others then may get reminded of them too.

I'm not really that interested in dogs, but I am interested in people. Within moments of meeting people I often think (internally, tho occasionally I feel able to declare it) “oh I love this person already!” I know it's easy to get put off when people show their hurts in ways that don't seem kind or constructive. But that's people, it's what they do sometimes. They also show their hearts and their hopes. And as a people lover, I like what people do. I don't think any of us are limited to a role – we can be dog people and people people and anything-else-you-can-think-of people. I suspect that early experiences influence how receptive we are to the delights we can see in dogs or people or whatever. But no matter what happened early on, our eyes and hearts can be opened so that we can let others in just a bit more.

Today I like my dog more than I did this time yesterday, and I'm grateful to the couple who helped me see him in a better light. I realise I do this with people a lot – encourage them to see others in a better light. Sometimes we're not ready for that – we haven't been heard well enough about what a pain in the bottom being a dog owner/wife/worker etc is to be open enough to be reminded of their likeable points. So it's a balance of listening and maybe then helping focus attention on all that's good. Sounds about right to me!

soft

I've recently signed up to get notifications from upworthy, which shares some inspirational stuff. Yesterday I watched a short clip (link below) on living our lives and I liked the point that life is about the people we meet and what we create with them. I can't always be with the people I love (no building large enough, for starters!) as they have to go to school, or work, or live in far away places and have other lovely people they also want to be with. But that doesn't mean I stop creating joy, love, hope, and fun with them, if only in the depths of my heart.

In many ways I feel I do grab my life with both hands and live it out. But I'm aware I still spend a vast proportion of it doing what I should, what others want and expect, what I feel really ought to be done. There's no getting away from the boring tasks that have to be done today, but I shall try to do each of them with my full attention and look for the joy. As a first step, I've put on one of my long flowing skirts. I love wearing them but most days am either in uniform, or think that jeans are so much more practical for walking the dog. And I'm probably in a minority of people who are pleased it's not so sunny today, as it means I can wear my hug replacement therapy that is a snuggly scarf. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now and so am actively seeking out ways I can be gentle/kind to myself. Soft clothes are doing it for me – hope you find whatever you need to live your life to the full today :D

http://www.upworthy.com/this-is-an-ass-off-the-couch-kind-of-video-just-an-invitation-to-rock-your-inner-buddha-2?c=ufb1

too many tabs open?

An allegory shared with me last week was how our brains/lives can operate like having various windows simultaneously open on a computer. Right now, it feels as if I have more tabs open than could fit along the bar at the top of my screen, and cos I'm not checking on each window frequently enough, things are getting missed!
Today we were fed at church so that was one less thing to worry about, and tomorrow I'll make a concerted effort to box off the Christian Aid Week stuff that's still lingering. It's nearly 3.30pm and I've not had a brew yet today so am going to make a cup of tea and see if I can get a sit down for a while...
Meanwhile, my wise son tried to explain the attraction of silly string - "it's not supposed to be a helpful thing Mum, it's a fun thing." I still don't quite get its appeal tho I appreciate his attempts to get me to see beyond an object's utility. Maybe closing down a tab or two will free me up to play a while :D

Beautiful butterflies

I watched an ace thing last night on how we all can change the world moment by moment by what we do, or don't do. The link is below if you'd like to watch it too. I love that the guy deliberately grew too many tomato seedlings so that he could give them to his neighbours so that they would start growing their own food. This kind of intentionality of which I've spoken before (my friend calls me “naughty in a nice way”) makes my heart swell :D

In the talk he quotes Raymond Williams, that “The key is not to make despair convincing, but to make hope possible.” It's that choosing love not fear again, and spreading it.

I believe we are all beautiful butterflies, changing our world for the better with every little meaningful action. Today is my town's Club Day and loads of people turn out to watch as all the churches and schools come together to parade and I get to smile at tons of people that I've come to know in the 14 years that I've lived here. You won't see my wings, but I'm proud to be one of so many people who I know daily take little or big steps to make a difference. I do hope you enjoy your fluttering today :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JH6FBwbqxUA&feature=youtu.be

World Peace

One act of kindness I was on the receiving end of yesterday was a friend, who I know needed to be somewhere else, unhesitatingly offering to come over and be with me. That is one of many ways we show each other on a daily basis that we are significant to others. I don't think it's just me who sometimes has those doubts, “do I really matter?” The answer of course for each and every one of us is an unwavering “YES” And I guess it's good for us to look at what would have us doubt that and work on knowing it for ourselves. But until each of us have got to that place of confident trust, there are so many little things we each do for each other to remind our loved ones and strangers that their presence in our lives makes a difference. I suspect that if we're absorbed by (or even slightly distracted by) our fear – “am I really wanted in this friendship/workplace/universe?” – it's that much harder to fully delight in the others who are here in it too (this plays out in tensions at national and international levels as well as in our homes). I know that's when jealousies surface - if we feel we're not prioritised by (or listened to well, or get to spend time with) our boss/friends/family/government, it can play into our insecurities - does someone else matter more? And so I think that's all we need, to start believing that no matter what has gone on for us up to this point, the truth is we have significance. I know I keep banging on about this – maybe I'm trying to drum it into my own heart – but I do see the doubt in others too. And maybe that's my solution for world peace, just let every single human being know they have a place. I know it's not straightforward tho - it's not brought about by treating people the same as we have uneven starting points, and we do prioritise how much time/resources we spend on different people cos we all have different needs at different times.
I think we can create many opportunities to show others they matter: a smile, a donation to people we don't know, changing the empty toilet roll, letting a driver into the heavy flow of traffic, making someone a brew, taking time to listen by turning away from the screen – the list is only as limited as our imaginations. Yay for everyone who does anything today to show you that you matter. Yay for everytime you are able to notice those little things others have done and appreciate them for it (rather than focus on where we wish they'd done more/something else!!). And yay for anything we do that reminds ourselves that we matter to ourselves too :D

Stand firm

Life seems to be pretty generous with its challenges at the moment. And I'm doing well with lots of them. I have fab friends who listen, who are just “there” for me in some shape or form. A friend who knows my views on prayer has cheered me no end by giving me an amusing image to hold on a tricky day, and instead of offering to pray, has told me she is singing a song we both know about standing firm. The challenges will work out in whatever way they work out and I'll deal with them as best I can, which will involve feeling my feelings and having a good cry about them, and then using my clear thinking as to how best I want to handle each of them. Choosing to be as loving as I can towards myself and others. Standing firm in that I know I'm not alone and am also very capable and rooted. But not feeling I have to have a bravado if actually I want to lean on others for a while. I don't know that everything is going to be alright in one sense, but I do know that everything is going to have love in it, it always does.

choc ice stick

It's tempting to write today off as a really rubbish day. But that won't help me go to sleep positively. So, I'm particularly pleased that today I finally sorted some dog care for when we go to Greenbelt as that's been a massive cause of stress for me. I enjoyed some quality minutes with my boy whilst he was out on the street on his bike. And I had a rather nice choc ice. It was on a stick so it doesn't feel right calling it either a choc ice – but neither was it a lolly or an icecream. Nonetheless it was just the thing to calm the heat from my curry. Yum.

Nightswimming

Spurred into action by my ever ripe imagination, I got up at midnight to try and swap the pool filter covers for plugs. My mind had decided that the weight of the water could put pressure on the tubes when the filter wasn't operating, forcing them off, and that if I didn't swap them, I'd wake to a big flood. Back in bed later, I figured that maybe I couldn't fit the plugs due to the pressure of the clips on the pipes on the outside. There was a lot of pressure worrying my head last night.

What surprised me most tho was how much warmer the water felt, submerging my hand at midnight, than when I'd plunged it in at 5pm to swap the plugs for filters in the first place. Now I don't believe the water was actually any warmer, I presume it's to do with the contrast in air temperatures. I actually braved full immersion in the afternoon – it was excruciating, but I can now report that I can do three stokes from one end to the other. I wasn't sure I'd ever do it again, but after last night's discovery, maybe all I need to do is wait for the sun to sink, and then take a dip.

And of course, being me, I can't fail to seek the metaphor. I wonder if sometimes things feel rubbish just because I've previously been living so eye-splinteringly brightly, and it's just the shock of the contrast. Today is another very full day with an early start and late finish. I shall remember to take my sunglasses!

great pretender

One of the bits of baggage that can sometimes come along with being middle class is the pressure to pretend that everything is just fine. Not to air our dirty laundry in public, not to confront our imperfections, not to let the side down by admitting anything is wrong or that we need help. That can get a bit wearing at times I can tell you.

I am often able to find the positive in things and that is a great benefit and has seen me through all kinds of tricky times. However, it is also important not to mask the fact that sometimes things are not fine. Sometimes things feel crap and sometimes I struggle. I'm no saint/angel who can manage thoughtful consideration at all times. I am a wonderfully imperfect human being with my own hurts and challenges, who sometimes soars and sometimes crawls. Right now my head is pounding so off I shall crawl. And if I don't feel like soaring tomorrow, then that's fine too.

Big mistake?

So, impulsivity may not be the way forwards for me. I'm not yet convinced that the pool purchasing was such a great idea. The kids still think I'm the best mum in the universe, so that's good. But I'm realising I've only swapped time spent lawn mowing for increased laundry and mopping up of muddy floors. It doesn't exactly blend in with the garden, which whilst that doesn't particularly bother me, I do wonder what our trying-to-sell-their-house neighbours make of the monstrosity. My ever optimistic daughter – wonder where she gets that from – thinks it could be a selling point to a family with kids who would love to get invited over. I am trying to think how to prettify it but suspect if I paint flowers on it that could damage the liner. And, like any new hobby, the initial outlay is only the start. I've belatedly discovered the ongoing costs and hassle of things like filtration, I need to investigate chemicals (yuck) and if I'm ever to use it myself, will have to purchase some solar heating for it (the word cold doesn't do it justice). I'm a little worried that maybe I'd be throwing good money after bad – my former policeman pal is coming over tomorrow – what if he declares it unsafe and then we don't get to use any of it? Nonetheless, it's only money (and maybe the goodwill of my neighbours).

I need to stop imagining calamaties and get on with trying to enjoy it. We have 2 more hopefully sunshine-filled days before the kids are back at school. So, put a wetsuit on, come on, come on...

Open arms

We passed a mum berating her son yesterday “you only want a cuddle when you're in trouble” and my heart went out to them both. The mum who would clearly like to snuggle with her boy much more often and in all kinds of circumstances; and the lad, who like us all, could do with tons of affection and closeness when we've mucked up. It put me in the mind of elbow's open arms and the line “the moon wants a scrap or a cuddle”. Sometimes we can't quite work out what we want, we need to engage somehow and don't quite know how to do it, so sometimes end up in conflict, when really we'd like to get close. I'm so lucky, I sat cuddling my boy throughout today's church service, and know lots of people with open arms, willing to accept me just the way I am. I do know times when I'm feeling huffy and the last thing I feel like doing is throwing my arms wide and embracing the people who have upset me. But life's too short not to.

So here's to all the arms we encounter being ever available – and most of all, the only ones we have any control over – our own!

we matter!

Last night's Ceilidh was brilliant. Getting to hold hands with tons of strangers. Seeing the energy levels of my son as he whirled round the room. Hanging out with my friend, eating a lovely veggie pie and home made cakes. Snuggling with my daughter after being apart nearly a week. Live band, twirling skirt, joy, connection - how lucky am I? And just when I didn't think it could get better, someone I didn't know approached me to thank me for something I did a year ago. So, for the times when we doubt that those little things we do make any difference, let me shout it out now, for myself, and for you too. THOSE LITTLE THINGS MATTER! Every time we are kind, every time we listen, every time we choose love over fear, we contribute towards creating a lovelier world. We may not ever get to see the impact, we may think we messed up and could have done it better in hindsight. We may at times wonder why we bother. And those little things may indeed go un-noticed, unappreciated. But it doesn't mean that our attempts don't matter. They matter lots. In ways we may never get to know. So today I hope we can all trust that our little acts of kindness are changing the world :D

Absence makes the heart...

grow fonder?

get forgetful?

grieve fervently?

I think it can be all these and more. I realise my mistake. Yesterday I was trying to work out my summer holiday childcare. But trying to do that whilst I'm apart from my children was just unbearable – I don't want to imagine any more time away from them. I need to wait til maybe 20 mins after they're back tonight when they're already bickering, and then it might be more possible to picture positively.

I find it so hard not being with those I love. There are so many people I'd like to be with more. One friend we have found a single night where we are both free so are intending to meet up halfway between us, pitch tents and catch up, then go back again. Another friend I've not seen in ages it doesn't look like I will get to see, she's just too far away. 

I'm having a party at the end of summer to celebrate being 40 and so many people have shaped my life that I'd like to have celebrate with me. I'm really hoping loads of people will be able to come and hang out for food and singing. Meanwhile I will have to keep figuring how to stay in touch. Getting the invite finished would be a step towards that, so that's on the long to-do list for the morning. Hope you get to enjoy hanging out with your loved ones today too :D