forgetting the words

I’m not always a powerhouse of positivity.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me – do other people feel stuff as intensely? Do we just keep quiet about it ‘cos that intensity might not be normal? Well, in the spirit of thinking maybe this might reduce someone else’s isolation – or just my own – I’m going to try and share just how overpoweringly desperate I can feel sometimes. It’s usually but not always late at night, and always when I’m by myself. I _know_ they’re just old self doubts, but that doesn’t stop them feeling massively, threateningly powerful. Each time, I’m surprised at just how strong the feelings are, and really have to talk myself into a place where I’m able to sleep/stop the thinking/feeling. I completely get why people do things like drink to numb the pain, because it feels excruciating. I have my own list of things that help – sometimes I can’t remember what they are, but mostly I get through by telling myself things to contradict the fears. Sometimes I read an escapist novel to remove myself from the intensity. And always I bring to mind a couple of people who I know that if I couldn’t talk myself out of it, I could call up. Even tho it’s really really late. Sometimes I hear their voices in my head cos they have said things to me, like “well I think you’re amazing” (thanks Ursula). Another brilliant friend once said to me that when she was struggling, she heard what her friends were saying to her, about her, and even though she couldn’t quite believe it, she knew that these people were good and wise people and so they must be telling the truth. I have several wonderful people in my life, who I have been able to be vulnerable and woeful with, and sometimes even downright horrible to, and these people love me nonetheless and when I’m at my worst, help remind me that I’m still great. I’m very grateful and honoured to have them in my life.

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” Donna Roberts.