Silliness reigns!

I think some of us can pick up a sense of “responsibility” that can be quite useful in some respects – makes things happen when someone takes charge, thinks about the bigger picture etc etc. I wonder if those of us who ever took care of younger siblings are particularly prone to this? However, I have just realised that some of my “silliest” moments this year have also been some of my absolute best…

In no particular order:

Re-arranging the spices on the supermarket shelf to spell out the word “bottom”

Rolling down a dewy hillside with a fab friend

Wearing a jester hat to and around my local supermarket one random grey day

Starting a relationship with someone before I was totally, properly “ready” – beginning with a 45 min round trip for a 3 minute picnic in the rain…

I’m thinking next year that to counter my weighty feelings that I should at all times “do the right thing” and be v v responsible, I shall aim to do at least one silly thing each day. Can’t wait for the fun that’s going to bring :D

gender divide?

I'm delighted to have several wonderful, open, generous, dependable men in my life at the moment.

It's such a gift for several reasons. I firmly believe our liberation is bound up with the liberation of others. I know that we are not going to end either sexism or men's opppression whilst we are not able to listen well, learn from and trust each other as allies. I feel my own personal healing has come on in leaps and bounds recently, and think that is linked to the learning about myself that I've been able to do from having close friendships with men. Thirdly, getting fresh perspectives on some of the pressures and joys of being male is important to me to assist me parent my son as well as I possibly can.

It's not always easy, being close to men, as a heteosexual woman. My boyfriend is very accommodating of my love for, and closeness with, other men - perhaps cos he's so loving himself.

I think we can get separated off from one another early on to do with our gender. One of the first questions new parents are asked is if their baby is a boy or a girl, and I've seen how babies can be treated differently based on the answer, in terms of tone of voice, and expectation. (An hour old baby girl being told it wasn't lady-like of her to burp; the babygros that label as either "pretty princess" or "here comes trouble".)

For a long time I've been blessed with having many amazing women in my life who have trusted me and accepted my vulnerabilty. Being real with, and getting close to, anyone - whether they seem similar or different to me - is SUCH a priviledge. Right now I'm appreciative of all the people who I'm proud to call my friend :D

Pressing Buttons

It’s been quite a week and it feels as if the theory I love about counselling has come home to roost! It’s like I’ve really grasped what I’m been sharing for years, that our feelings, are only feelings! They can feel MASSIVE and threaten to overwhelm. Other people’s feelings when they dump them on us can feel threatening too. And conflict, something I’m not usually a fan on – I’m def getting more to grips with that. So the arguments, the disagreements, the mean comments or actions – it’s just our “stuff”, pitted against each other. It’s old hurts, past experiences raising their head. I often call it having our buttons pressed – something happens and it triggers an old feeling from an early experience where we ended up feeling less than wonderful about ourselves, and all that self doubt comes flooding back, and we feel the hurt until we’ve had chance to heal from it and remember just how wonderful we are now, and were back then.

All workeable through, if we choose to. We don’t have to, and we certainly can’t make others do it, so in a conflict sometimes the other person doesn’t want to take the opportunity to look at what’s going on for them – it’s not yet feeling safe enough for them to do that, perhaps. They’re doing the best they can, just as we are.

I don’t have to feel so scared of other people’s hurt, I’m better able to see that it is “just” their buttons have been pressed (does it feel unsympathetic to tell them that tho??). And when I feel upset, I can notice that it’s just some of my old stuff has been triggered – nothing I can’t handle (with a bit of help maybe!!)

Celebrating!

I am in such a celebratory mood at the moment! Love, life, learning – I’ve had a cracking week of reflection and growth. Being at an interview helped – do we get enough opportunities to notice our skills and say how great we are? In real life we’re not encouraged to do that much at all, but it’s what’s expected in an interview!

I once did an activity where we had to say good things about ourselves without qualifying or minimising and it was excruciating… I have definitely learned to love myself so much more of late… I am much more comfortable now with noticing just how well I’m doing, and appreciating myself for my talents, skills, all I can and do bring to the world :D

Hope you likewise are able to realise what an asset you are…

Flogging a dead metaphor

Lots of reflection recently about where/who/what we put our energies into. I believe we each have choices about a lot of what we do, and that includes choosing who we interact with, what we respond to – sometimes the things we get pulled to respond to are perhaps not the best use of our times and talents. I have a wise friend who sometimes asks me what is my investment in something/someone. So I might be try-try-trying to make something happen and it’s taking a lot of effort, and she encourages me to think about why I’m continuing to pay it attention. She also calls me tenacious, which I like. One of the things I like about marriage is it’s about making a commitment to keep at things even when they are tough. I make lots of commitments in my head. I believe we live in a culture that promotes quick fixes, and a “what’s in it for me?” mentality that means we sometimes walk away from people/situations where had we stayed we may have learned a lot about ourselves/others/life. So I have made commitments that mean I will try and think the best of people and examine the barriers I have that would have me stop wanting to be close, stop trying to find a way forwards. There are times when giving our energy despite little obvious gain is worthwhile – in the long run, or from what I’m learning in the process.

Does this mean I always put continual energy into something that seems fruitless? Another friend asked me, how do we know when the horse is dead? And that’s when I realised I was perhaps flogging a dead metaphor, cos whilst I know that there are endings, I mainly believe in transformation rather than finality. Things that seem to have ended, through death, or loss, or say a project or job coming to an end, yes they are an ending in one way. But some stuff stays - memories, hindsight, and potentially transformations – new learnings from old experiences. Wise Friend One also helpfully pointed out to me that the ending of my marriage was not the ending of my relationship with my husband but a transformation into a new relationship with him.

We get to decide when enough is enough – maybe for now, maybe for ever. And to do that we might need to take time to ask ourselves or be asked, why is this so important to me to remain tenacious in this instance? Do I really want to stay at this or is something unhelpful keeping me at something that it is now time to let go of?

As always, more questions than answers, but I really enjoy this thinking… :D

Crisis of counselling confidence…

Trusting each person is doing their best they can at any time is brilliant. I love and go along with that. Being non-judgemental, again, that is what I aspire too.

However, I was really touched recently reading about someone who intervened and stopped someone from taking their own life. Was the desperate person doing the best they could – yes, I believe that – they felt they had no other options. Did this mean the intervener had to trust they knew what was best for them and not encourage them to think differently – no, I think not. So where is the balance? If I think someone is in their ‘stuff’ and so can’t work out what’s best, I could offer them some time to talk things through. If I felt someone was running away from things and choosing harmful responses (judgemental?) I could again ask how they were, were they happy with the choices they were making, did they want to do anything different, what, how etc.

I guess it can be good to have an awareness of when I’m helping someone (also/just) for my benefit. Does that make me wanting to help wrong/less than useful. Maybe not. I know sometimes I feel ‘responsible’ for things I’m not responsible for… and yet I believe we’re ALL responsible for more than we often take responsibility for.

Still have lots to learn? Yes.

Doing the best I can? Indeedy :D

thinking about penguins

I love the phrase “whether you think you can, or whether you think you can’t, you’re probably right”. I think the things we pay attention to, the things we impart our energy too, they are the things that grow. My current theme appears to be based round a quote from Mumford “where you invest your love, you invest your life” I often check that the things I’m investing in (time wise, money wise, attention wise) are the things I want to be, not the things I ought to be, or that others think I should be.

Our minds are powerful. If I ask you not to think of a penguin, what are you thinking of right now? Probably a penguin. In the same way, I learned not to suggest to a child in danger whilst high up “careful or you’ll fall” as then what is in their mind is the falling. More useful is to focus on how well they are balanced. And so it is that I resonated with a quote sent to me by a friend today:

A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt. He said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one." The grandson asked him, "which wolf will win the fight in your heart?" The grandfather asked "The one I feed".

Every day and every moment I get to choose which wolf in my heart to feed, which thoughts in my mind to nurture and which not to attend to. Right now I'm going to choose the lovely wolf and the thoughts that tell me I'm lovely and so are you :D