paradise lost

There are some songs that I have to switch away from when they come on the radio. Often the carpenters. It's something to do with me being transported back to a time of innocence, sitting in my dad's car as a young child . For some reason these songs upset me - it feels like I remember a time when I had no sense of the hurt I would go on to experience in various ways in my life. And so until I've done whatever healing I need to do, I find these songs unbearable. Funny.

Last night we enjoyed the film Saving Mr banks. I cried, obviously.
These two paragraphs are not unrelated, which is odd cos I wrote the first paragraph before watching the film.

Haven't got anything more positive today.

no nightfall when it comes to love

Today I'm hoping will be gentle. I loved the singing last night, I had to risk using my chest voice rather than head voice for line 3, and it sounded so much better when I did. Risking sounding wrong, it's the way to go :)

Gardening and cleaning windows, not sure how gentle that is but my plan now involves my latest book group book in front of the fire :-)

I really like this from Pip Wilson:

The sun doesn’t stop shining

it is just ::

we sometimes step into the shade

we sometimes step into another persons shadow

we close our eyes

we hide behind sunglasses

and

sometime night falls ………

When it comes to LOVE

There is no nightfall

but

we can and do 

step into

shade

shadow

or hide ………

There is NO nightfall when it comes to LOVE

even though we feel it sometimes.

Love has no OFF switch.

Romantic love can fall

Human love can fall

Divine love has no OFF switch

Divine love has no nightfall

No shade

No shadow

No sunglasses

No hiding place.

We don’t have to love to be loved.

No nightfall.

We don’t have to change to be loved

If we became perfect today

we could not be loved more tomorrow.

A LOVE that will not let you go 

glass throwing from my stone house

I'm fully aware that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones (tho prefer my title, I feel more ragey than stupid). Wealth is comparative, and I firmly see myself in the category of people who have More Than Enough. This is because I have a whole wardrobe full of more clothes than I could wear in an entire month, I have enough money in my bank account to replace my boiler when it breaks, and last year I was able to take my children away to Belgium for a week. These to me are all signifiers that I'm lucky enough to have a surplus. In the eyes of the state tho, my income is not enough for 4 people to live off and so is topped up by tax credits, and when I look at sliding scales for fees to pay for events, I'm always on the bottom rung.
So in many ways I'm not in a place to talk about greed and priviledge - I could give more than I do to try and redistribute my wealth. I understand and also succumb to that fear of a future-not-having-enough and so rather than give away most of my clothes, or that boiler money, I hold onto it because "I will need it some day". There is some wisdom in this - I'm responsible for the welfare of my children and it would maybe be foolish to keep zero pouinds in my account knowing that there are definite big expenses on the horizon. And so I can relate to that similar pull for others, a desire to accumulate to provide for an uncertain future. And yet, I'm also aware of a sense of frustration with the Conservative rhetoric "we're all in this together" when I hear how its leader may have earned £500,000 by renting out his home since moving into Downing Street (does he have to pay rent to live in Downing street? I presume not!) According to the Independent newspaper's article I was looking at, 39% of Conservative MPs are landlords. Now I don't have anything against landlords per se - we all need to make an income and if that's the job someone chooses that seems fair enough - only in these instances it is making money, on the side, out of the fact that the public is paying for where they actually live.

Some of this indignance undoubtedly springs from my own current situation of insecurity. I was pleased that even at a redundancy meeting there was cake and biscuits. I have an awesome boss. In 2 weeks time it will all be decided so at least it isn't going to be long and drawn out.

resisting disconnection

My head is very very full and so instead of writing a blog I'm sharing a picture with some very wise remarks from one of my friends:

I'm lucky & blessed to know some lovely, kind, generous, thoughtful people & have some wonderful wonderful friends smile emoticon heart emoticon

....in this part of the world where forging deep connections, building strong relationships, cultivating real closeness goes against everything which capitalism pushes & attempts to enforce.... waging daily battles against isolation, disconnection & closing ourselves off is integral to our survival & physical/mental/emotional health, & one of the many struggles within the fight for human liberation, personal & collective.... any relationship of love, closeness, connection, (with all of our inevitable complexities) is therefore a small victory to be cherished, held onto, remembered, and honoured.... heart emoticon

with a little help from my friends

Yesterday was a much better day, full of lovely texts in the end. Made up for the previous day's lack of contact. More hugs today and a test I've not revised for - it's on what I do every day so if I'm doing it wrong I need to know.

Today's learning is that I find it really really hard not to speculate.

gamut

Many feelings yesterday, though mainly at the sad and lonely end of the spectrum. I wisely chose to watch a bit of Dave Gorman in the evening.
Disappointed to have missed the beautiful unusual sky that was raved about on facebook. Hope you got to see it wherever you were.

I had no enthusiasm for getting up this morning after little sleep and knowing that today I will have to process yet more pesky feelings. An unexpected text got me going. Not the usual unexpected text that gets me going, involving some essential for school that needs locating. But one telling me I was loved and wishing me a joyful day. Joyful will be a stretch, but I know it is there if I look. And I'm very appreciative of the unprompted loveliness of the text. Think who you could send an uplifting text to - the effect is profound.

Fool's Quest

I finished another of my much enjoyed Robin Hobb books, so searched online for the next one and can't find it any cheaper than £13 as it was only published last year. (I don't like to buy things online as I prefer to buy local, but my bookshop no longer orders books, and by buying online I can buy books secondhand which I much prefer than buying new. Best of all is when I find them in a local charity shop). No way I can justify that price so I will get to practice patience. I do have another set of her books that don't fit into the same set of books so maybe I will give that a go. I was a bit put off as it is about soldiers, but as I have delighted in pirates and assassins then I'm sure I'll cope.
We won a prize at the weekend in a fundraising raffle. It was a pass for a shooting club. It reminded me of the other time I won a prize in a raffle - a meat hamper. (Just in case you don't know, as a vegetarian pacifist, these prizes are not a perfect alignment).
Today I will be trying not to wait on a pivotal email. I was expecting it yesterday and even tho I kept telling myself it wouldn't arrive on a Sunday it didn't stop me looking a thousand times!! It may not even come until Wednesday. Patience patience patience.