Reflexivity

 I’ve long used writing as a means of processing. Under my bed is a stash of diaries in which I journaled all kinds of thoughts as a teenager, filling an entire page each night with my insecurities as well as how many choc ices I’d consumed that day. Some days I would write words in two different pens to produce a beautiful two-tone image, delighting in my creativity that I was clear was for my eyes only. I stopped when at aged 18 I was in a shared house and someone took the diary to read, and so pouring my heart out onto paper no longer felt safe.

Fast forward a couple of decades and instead of pens and paper and pseudo-privacy, there is an option to press a publish button and unleash your contemplations on the wide world. And so I started a blog. 

Ten years ago today I was in some ways in a good place despite still grieving the end of my marriage. I’d recently met Ben for the first time, tho we’d yet to start going out. I had supportive friends. I enjoyed my three very part time jobs. But still I noticed an absence of adult company, as a single parent of two children aged 6 and 9. It’s interesting to look at the varying frequency of my entries, starting fairly intermittently, then reaching a couple of years where I blogged sometimes twice a day. Now that I have lots of interaction with adults (my offspring included) there’s much less need for a space to craft and share opinions. There are still occasions where I want an outlet to express something longer than can be posted in a Facebook status, but these are now few and far between. 

A few remain as drafts, from times where I’ve needed to vent but realised that to share publicly would not be wise. Those that are published vary from tedious renditions of dull days, to upbeat messages that I feel proud of having written. Like the teenage diaries, I’m pleased to have preserved some thoughts that no doubt my memory would otherwise have let slip away. Some have caused contention but mainly they have had minimal impact on the world, a very small audience and a rare comment - and that’s fine by me. My purpose is not to attract ‘followers’ but to channel some of my thinking in a way that’s productive for me rather than have the words circling in my head. It’s been a good way of letting some friends know how I’m doing and I’m especially grateful for those who check in with me having read what I have shared.
Maybe one day I’ll even shift it from my ancient tablet onto a device where I can easily include photos :)