Endings

Things feel pretty rough at the moment, and that's ok, I believe the grief at the ending of a relationship has to be lived through not ignored.
I'm not deliberately seeking out articles, but both of these have wandered into my path and resonate. The first is on what is helpful for people facing loss and what isn't - I know several people at the moment dealing with great loss and it's really useful to think well about what can inadvertently cause more hurt:

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason

The second is not really about actual endings but about ways we can help our minds focus on what is important and is a really good reminder of living each moment fully:
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/four_reasons_why_endings_can_make_you_happier

It can feel hard to live life fully when feeling sad, but the truth is it's not all bad - I've managed to get myself a new job, and a quote for a new boiler. My plan for the next week is to do some needed self care and have some Internet free time. I don't think I'll manage many consecutive days but I'm going to give it a good go and focus on my family awhile :) I hope whatever you are up to that you are present and caring for yourself too :D

Pain

I remember now.
The desperation to numb the pain enough to manage to fall asleep.

And I know this is how it is for some people all the time. It's why so many of us are workaholics, alcoholics, watch so much tv, stuff our faces (and I include myself in these things, it's not a judgement on others). The pain feels unbearable, we need respite from it.

Don't stop believing

I don't think anyone would describe me as impulsive. I tend to weigh things up, deliberate, eventually decide, slowly, on what's for the best. I do feel I keep an open mind tho to opportunities. Tonight's singing in the rain was lots of fun. A friend came to watch and gave me some beautiful flowers from her garden which was so lovely. I had no plans for the rest of the evening so when I spotted a chance to help out, I offered to cover the sound desk for the following guitarist. This is about as impulsive as I get, opting to go for something I know is out of my comfort zone skills wise (and actually it was easy peasy, the hardest bit was locating the power switch in a hurry). I got to enjoy some unexpected outdoor live music instead of hanging out on my own at home.
After a difficult and unbalanced week I'm hoping to now catch up on some rest and smell the flowers :-)

Appearances

It has been a week! My first on reduced hours only I've still worked loads and am in a London meeting for the day tomorrow so it's not exactly been the opportunity to catch up I'd hoped for. Yet. It's easy to stay busy, I might have to encourage myself to take time out to reflect on the what next. Maybe the upcoming train journeys will be good for that.
I've had a couple of comments on my appearance this week. Firstly being called a gentleman. It's not the first time but it does get me musing on the judgements people make. And yesterday I went, somewhat reluctantly, for a massage. I have massive amounts of tension in my back and shoulders but feel aggrieved at paying an eighth of my week's wages on 20 mins trying to shift it. The place I go to also does nails and so i took it as a compliment when the masseuse said what beautiful nails I have, and asked are they real. It's all a bit odd, our fixation with how we look and the effort we put in. (They are real, I can't imagine anything else. I don't do anything with them, only file them when they break cos I'm too lazy to even get round to cutting them usually). I don't tend to spend either time or money on how I look, I don't have a beauty regime ( is this why I get mistaken for a man? Tho I know men who look after their appearance) my clothes are often literally falling apart at the seams. I do periodically shave my head tho cos it makes hair maintenance easier :-) One of the downsides of weekends on my own is that there's no-one to check my hair when I've shaved it. But what's the worse that could happen? I will go on my picnic with maybe a tuft or two and some people might think I look odd or unpresentable. And that doesn't matter at all. (I'm not immune tho.  It took a few shots before I was happy with how I looked in the photo...)

Social media snapshot

I'm very aware that at any one time we show people what we want to show and it doesn't always reflect the whole. So at the moment I'm blogging on boilers but actually have a whole pile of deeper concerns that are not getting a media airing. And that's ok, we each get to decide what we show where. It feels a bit weird tho to be writing about superficial stuff and not mentioning the death of someone I have so much respect for who showed me how to live life well, how to appreciate time with loved ones and to understand that life is a gift not a given. 

Today at the hospital where I work I got to go into this ace teepee - I love what they are about and will go back to hopefully talk to them about it next time.

Pioneer

A few days before my firstborn was due the boiler was condemned.  It was winter and I really didn't want to bring my baby back to a house without heating or hot water.  So some speedy decisions were needed.  Nonetheless my usual priorities prevailed and I'm pleased I insisted on the most environmentally friendly option available,  resulting in us having one of the first condensing boilers,  pioneering the way for what is now standard.
Nearly 16 years down the line and I'm once again considering options,  without the urgency this time,  but sometime soon action will be needed.  One of my favourite joys is to read in the bath,  something I don't often get chance to do,  so when I do,  lukewarm water is a disappointment. So the need to get round to addressing the issue is increasingly pressing after tonight's non leisurely dip.
The thought of having instant hot water by going for a combi boiler is tempting. The price of a biomass boiler (and the requirement of weekly cleaning) is prohibitive. I'll keep mulling over options.  When work quietens at the end of the week I will hopefully get to make all sorts of financially prurient decisions. I am hoping to make savings by stopping paying for what I don't need,  like a TV package,  and I bet I have surplus insurance I can cut. I hate doing this kind of thing but the reduced pay packet combined with more time not working will spur me on. Go me!

Misfit

It can be isolating to see yourself as not fitting in. Several times this week I've been made aware of what feels like the predominant culture of capitalism, where alcohol seems central and shopping essential. For me it's a joy and relief to spot others who appear content in their own skin doing their own thing. I could all too quickly believe I'm weird for not getting a thrill out of what is clearly so popular. That I don't belong. Then I remind myself that there are plenty of other people enjoying themselves in their own way out of my sight. Being out of my comfort zone just means my comfort zone is elsewhere. My happy places (Dufton, greenbelt, reading a book in the bath) would feel tortuous for other people.
Ultimately we're all different but have More in common than that which divides us.