blinded by the light

It feels like summer has arrived - it is light so early now I keep being fooled into thinking I should have been up hours ago.
I've done some good work already tho and now off into the sun for my main job. I didn't really get around to relaxing with the bank holiday weekend, tho i did clear a bit of space last night, throwing stuff out, as I was in that sort of mood. Keeping everything crossed now that the car will start with its brand new battery.

Car has started every time today :) And I'm right, Summer is here! 26 degrees when I got into the car in the centre of Blackpool to try and come home only the traffic was a bit gridlocked. Home now tho and jobs 2 and 3 to do before I can hopefully relax in the gorgeousness.

I get lots more work done when I'm not parenting in the same day! I am missing them tho and am glad they are back tomorrow. More hugs needed.

lifetime guarantee

We disagreed on the new car battery. I personally didn't see the point in paying extra given that I can't imagine the car lasting us beyond the year let alone beyond a 3 year guarantee for a lifetime one. But the main result is we now once more have a car that starts. Green flag have heard a lot from me this weekend. It was a big responsibility driving it back knowing that the battery wasn't retaining any power at all, so if I stalled it on a country ditch, it was not going to start again. A somewhat less film worthy version of "Speed". It meant we altered our plans from going to grange over sands to drop the kids, and instead ended up at Kwik fit. Much less picturesque and no toffee pudding. We shall have to reschedule that for another day.
Home now, with the washing and jungle to deal with. This is my first internetting of the day, and we didn't even have the radio on in the car. I will upload those pics soon, just going to work a bit on this before it rains

...

bluebell wood

When (if) we get home tomorrow I will share some of my pics of the ghyll carpeted in bluebells. It is beautiful. I went a couple of times yesterday and hope to go again this a afternoon after church. Its sunnier today so will no doubt take even more photos.


The sun has gone behind some grey clouds so I may have an afternoon nap instead. I've not slept well since getting here as I keep processing Friday's work meeting.

Car wouldn't even start with jump leads so got green flag out who started it instantly. Will buy a new battery tomorrow (that's not an option in rural Cumbria on a Sunday) once we get nearer home, then swap this whinging for lovely photos.

if money were no object

I never like the question about what I'd do if I won the lottery as the responsibility to give away the money wisely is just too great. How I would carry on doing my job but maybe as a volunteer so I could focus on the supporting mums rather than spend any time justifying the role which is what has to happen if funding is attached to it. I much prefer this question asked yesterday where I could do what I want for a month, with money no object.
I would pack up the car, only not this car (which stressed me no end yesterday by not starting, and now it is going again has a worrying rattle from underneath). It would be a reliable spacious car, and in all my loved ones would get and head off to the north west of Scotland. There would be a planner - not me - who would relay a manageable timetable, no pressured deadlines. They would just let me know what the next b and b is that they had booked, or the next campsite. We would have a sat nav (in real life I'm hoping to buy a sat nav this week, it's tricky doing home visits without one) that would guide us to each lochside spot, where we would linger for a day or 2 or3 before moving on. There would be rafts waiting to play about with on the lake, and cream teas and hot showers. All meals provided, I'd have to arrange nothing. Time to read, walk, chat, play board games.
Meanwhile back at home a team of cleaners would come in and give the house a deep clean from top to bottom. Gardeners would clear the jungle. Someone would deal with all the post, all my work commitments, so when I came back all refreshed nothing had mounted up in my absence. And on the last day once we were home again and settled back (no post holiday washing, that had all been done as we went along) we'd buy a kitten , kittens bring so much joy.

Bloomin car. Won't start again. When's this month starting then?

sleep for a week

My boyfriend has a band that goes around the wrist and measures all kinds of clever things like pulse, and can apparently work out the kind of sleep patterns the wearing goes through. I borrowed it last night tho the battery ran out part way through so the data isn't perfect. I don't really like having any restrictions so don't wear anything like a watch or rings (not even by day any more) so I think it will have impacted on the results anyhow as I was conscious of it. But I am interested so might ask to borrow it again another night. Not tonight tho, as I will be in a different bed and never sleep so well in a different sleep environment. Tho it is Dufton, one of my favourtite places in the universe, and so I'm hoping to find the weekend restorative :)

whodunnit

Choir was cancelled so I decided I would finish my book which I have enjoyed far more than I expected to. A satisfyingly large amount of plot twists, a couple of which I had anticipated but the majority were surprises and I'm left thinking that maybe I should re-read it in the light of the new perspective. I think that's the sign of a good whodunnit :) It was late tho by the time I was done (over 600 pages remember) and sped my brain up rather than slowed it down, so I did not have a great night's sleep. Good job it's a slow start today :)

Fab friends

I'm feeling v grateful. In the last 24 hours I've been given not one but two slices of cake (I didn't take another picture today, but it was very similar to the posting of yesterday); had a friend phone who knew she only had 10 mins before going out but was determined to make contact as she knew I'd taken some time off work; had a check in text from a friend who hasn't texted before AND had someone ask the question that really is so simple but one of the best questions I think anyone can ask: "How do I help you?"
I really like that question, it is so empowering as it gives space to the person to work out what it is they need and it shows an openness to give what it is that is needed. I shall practice using that question more often (when I know I have the capacity to give what is then requested).

I'm glad there is singing tonight tho I've not had time to listen to the rehearsal I missed last week yet...

on alcohol

I hate alcohol.
I hate the physical impact it has, the loss of control, the staggering, the unintended expulsion of bodily fluids, the mess.
I once was asked to give a lift home to someone who had been drinking at a university event. I reluctantly agreed on the promise that she would not throw up in my car. She promised she would not throw up in my car. She threw up in my car. I still feel indebted to my amazing friend who cleared it up once I got home even tho he hadn't even come to the event and didn't know the other person at all - some people are incredibly lovely like that.

And that's one of my experiences of alcohol, that a person's best intentions can come to naught as the alcohol impairs our ability to judge just what we are capable of and what promises are not possible.

The lack of judgement is one of the things I rally against most. All those people who have got behind a wheel truly believing that they are capable of driving safely. The hundreds of lives turned upside down by that poor judgement.

And so I hate the mental impact, the way alcohol robs people of their ability to think clearly.

I hate the emotional impact alcohol has. The way it takes people away from me, having loosened a person's connection with themselves, and taken away their ability to connect with others. I kind of understand that this is the reason why most people consume alcohol in the first place - to numb the feelings so we don't have to be continually living with the doubts and fears and stress.

I hate the emotions it fuels. The bravado of just how many pints have been imbibed in a culture that extols excessive consumption. And in that same culture, where one in 10 people are ruled by the alcohol, rather than in charge of it, those feelings of guilt and shame that leads people to hide how much they have had.

I hate alcohol. But I love cake.

vivid

One of my dreams last night was incredibly vivid and involved lots of wasps, some caught up in my (long) hair buzzing by my ear. It was very life like and I was relieved to wake and find it was just a dream.
I am taken aback that this is the last week in May already.
The dog has not been right today. I hope he's better soon, I don't have enough capacity to worry about him as well!

loving every neighbour

I remember that I worry about this every year, but today several people have told me they can't make the service. I know it isn't about how many come, but I do hope somebody comes. The theme is loving every neighbour, I really like the link between us loving our neighbours overseas and loving those whose doors we have knocked on this week.

I was right, not many came, but I was pleased with how the service all came together. Bit more counting tonight and a celebratory drink methinks. How big were the Yorkshire's tonight??!!

big breakfast

I'm very happy that one of "my" churches has hosted a big breakfast for Christian Aid. Very sociable and delicious. Now watching a cookery programme, a plum and marzipan tartin looks amazing.
Today may not be massively productive given how tired I feel. But that's ok, its the weekend.
Fresh air activity involved heading to field of very long grass to see if we could locate the ball that the dog lost last time he was there. We gave up after an intensive tooth combing and at that very moment I discovered it. Hurrah!
Some productivity, party clear up, lots of peskiness. Battling that old struggle that people don't want to spend time with me, luckily each child has come to hang out with me for a few minutes and I've started my new book group novel, a 615 page whodunnit by Joel dicker. That should keep me good company :-)

loft warming

£538 is cheaper than a new car, tho there is still a bit we need to sort on it. And I'm very grateful that it was able to be retested at the last minute yesterday or else today would have been much more of a juggle.

There's a loft warming party tonight whilst I'm out gigging, so this morning has involved lots of hoovering before work!

Gig was great, even if we performed it at twice our usual speed :-) And how brilliant was it to end the night dancing to a sdmallsamba band in a packed fire shop!

start to finish

I admit to feeling somewhat discouraged yesterday when I awoke to pouring rain. I knew I had the final three streets to collect in and did not want to get soaked. It turned out that by the time the evening arrived several hours later, the weather was lovely and sunny and I needn't have worried.

Today has an element of waiting to it. This time a week ago the car failed its MOT, today we hopefully pick it up and find out the cost. My girly has her exam results in a few mins but I won't find out til after school. And one of my best friends is in hospital waiting for an op. Meanwhile I get to spend a lot of my day in meetings. These are just the things I know about - I'm aware the day's end can be radically different from the day's start.

However your day starts/finishes/whatever it has along the way, I hope you get to notice the lovely bits.

how strong is it?

I really like the shape and colour of this mug at work. But when I make a cup of tea in it, I don't know how long to leave the teabag in as I can't tell what colour the water has turned.
Lots on this evening. Collecting in my final 3 streets went well,  I complimented various people on their pleasant smelling flowers :-)

play notes

I have no interest in eastenders so have come upstairs to escape and read. Only the bed is warm and soft and my eyelids are heavy.
This year I have wished several door answerers a happy birthday after enquiring, having spotted cards in the windowsill. I even sang happy birthday to a neighbour tonight. My favourite excuse this year for not having an envelope was from a dad who said his girls use any envelopes that come through the door to send notes to one another. He gladly filled one of my spares and I contemplated leaving a stash for his children to play with.

unfurled

Back at work today, tho easing back in gently.
My biggest regret of the day is only tiny, I stopped to admire an unfurling fern frond, but didn't take a picture for you all. I may be able to capture it later as I'm back along the same street tonight to collect envelopes.
First a bit more unfurling of my own - I ordered the third book in my latest trilogy, thinking I'd have easily finished the second as I was having nearly a week off, but guess what, I found other things to do instead of just sitting reading (like ripping up the solicitor's paperwork that's no longer needed). So now I'm going to have an hour of reading before the next stage of things to do.

Collecting going well.

ready?

I'm in my Christian Aid t-shirt shirt, ready for the week. I won't wear it all week, don't worry. Some things are different this year. I might only go round once, will need to decide before I start. And the service I'm leading is at the end, in thanksgiving, rather than a commissioning one to begin. Not my choice, but again ,we will see how it goes.

I'm just going to go to each of my 9 streets once. So I'm already a third of my way through. Not many conversations yet. And in retrospect it wasn't wise to leave delivering to the street with all the steps til just after my roast dinner...

den

Its another beautiful day. Several places where I ought to be, several where I could be. But instead I'm honouring a commitment I have made to my book to spend some time alone. The teenage den is finished but the teenager not here, so I may go and check out the comfort levels there. I've made arrangements to text a friend later to check in to see if a cycle/cake/chat is needed in case the day feels overly long or lonely. I'm pleased to have set that up.

I'm very grateful to the friend who in response to yesterday's blog sent several texts of tips. It's good to have good friends :-)

I had a bike ride with my friend in the sunshine, and did lots of weeding in the sunshine.

Here's a pic of the den, tho when I read in it. I had the curtains and window open to let the sunshine in,  rather than the fairy lights. 

how?

I still don't know how to stop the thoughts.
I have a feeling that a meditation response would be to stop trying to wall them out but let them come, notice them, and set them aside. But then look, here they are again!

Perhaps I need to learn ways of stopping?
Perhaps I am trying too hard?

I'm glad I have booked the massage, but I notice it still feels like a deadline, with things I feel I need to do beforehand. The sun is shining so I tell myself, oh I really must get that load of washing on, then that invoice needs paying, maybe if i leave earlier I can pay it on the way... how do I stop the endless pressure on myself to keep doing things now if not sooner??. Stepping outside of our default way of being is hard.

If anyone has any tips that have worked for you, please share. I don't need telling what I'm doing wrong (I do that more than enough for myself ) but am open to suggestions as to what has helped you that I might try.

So far the only suggestion I have received is to get drunk. There must be other ways.

time out

As you perhaps spotted in yesterday's blog, I'm taking a little bit of time out to stop and smell the flowers. Hurrah! More photos later...

I've hopefully successfully uploaded my first ever video into my blog. Amusingly, whilst it's not quite watching paint dry, it is just of grass. But I loved watching the field shimmer as the wind blew it. The video doesn't even show the effect that I could see. But it was lovely.

woo hoo, not only have I booked myself an hours massage tomorrow, but I've also just ordered a colouring book, rural landscapes, 2 pounds and 20p, yay!!!

smelling the flowers

I think it might be a lilac outside only it's white not purple so that might not be right.(apparently it is) It has a lovely scent. My plan is to keep going out to have a good sniff of it, cos it won't last long.

Here are some other beauties from this morning.

Hiding on the back doorstep

I had breakfast with this view. Blogger hasn't behaved today, so sorry that the context for this pic arrives late. I hid outside for breakfast, it was a smart move. If you zoom in on this pic can you see the skirt of raindrops underneath the table?
I should eat more breakfasts outside, it reminds me of camping. Happy days.

More cherry pink

I've been asked to explain more about what I meant when I blogged before. Seeing lots of beautiful pink blossom tress yesterday with their gorgeous litter, the fallen petals clogging the street edges so prettily, I wish this had an accompanying photo. Maybe by the end of the day it will.
I don't often think about my days as head of percussion in the school orchestra. Sometimes I enjoyed it but mainly I found it a responsibility (that's my pattern, I'm much more aware of it now than I was when I was at school). The cherry pink piece is the only one I now recall that we did, cos it was hard for me to keep in time and my on time snare drumming seemed essential to the success of the sound. I know every instrument counts but if feels like there's perhaps more margin for error with another instrument as they can perhaps blend with their other instruments - there is often more than one violin for example, but only one snare drum. Tho a big blow of a french horn at the wrong moment would also have the potential to wreck the timbre too. 
At my drumming circle the other day the leader asked if I was up to driving the piece, I panicked and said no, but towards the end of it, I was feeling like I was. I had the bass drum, which underpins the sound. It was fun, but not something i'm going to make a habit of doing cos my fun times need to have less responsibility than the rest of my times :)

It's an amazing drying day. A perfect day to have chosen to work a half day from home :) I've even done the hand washing. And had icecream in the sunshine. Lucky me :D

day of rest

The garden needs mowing but that might not happen. I'm deliberately doing very little. Its challenging but necessary.
As you know, I'm not a gardener, but I have a garden, which as my former neighbour once made every clear, makes me a gardener. For a non gardener, I have a ridiculous number of packets of seeds. I don't like seeds, they never turn into anything cos I don't remember to tend them whilst they are critically little. But as I don't like waste, I have once again ported up some would be plants. We'll see what happens, and if that's nothing, next year I'll just buy ready grown plants.

board not bored

We're going to buy some more board games. I do enjoy a good game. I was so tired after my work day I could easily have taken my headache to bed at 5 when I got back. But thankfully we were going out and the company, the food, the games re energised me.

Maybe I've shared it before but I like the quote we don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing. More playtime please.

cherry pink and apple blossom white

I'm very tired.
It's a long time since I've heard a live orchestral kind of band with that many instruments. It took me back to playing the snare drum for cherry pink and apple blossom white with the school orchestra. Such a responsibility.
I need to thin the tomato seedlings. I'm not a gardener. I don't want to snuff out the life a seedling to make way for a stronger plant to have sufficient space. Goes against all I stand for. Sometimes I over think things.

fast lane

Some roundabouts have two lanes as you approach, and both could be used for going straight across. Usually i queue politely with the bulk of the traffic on the left. But sometimes I'm that bit bolder and head for the right lane. I'm not doing anything wrong in fact I'm helping the traffic flow more smoothly as I'm not adding to the queue. But it's not my natural response.

Today I drove up to the roundabouts in the right lane.

This isn't just a metaphor, that was for real. In the metaphor I'm not even on the road, I'm careering on two wheels, the other two up in the air, as I skirt past the rest of the traffic that just isn't going fast enough. I'm not occupying a lane in my own right, I'm on the edge, over the edge, driving dangerously and still not making it on time. That's the metaphor.

I'm not daft, I can see that this in Not Good. Right now, I'm parking the car overnight, in the right kind of place and not getting back into it until I'm safe to drive again.

I parked the metaphorical car on the trampoline for a while,  there weren't many clouds to gaze at but the birds were lovely to listen to and it turns out lots of flowers have been blooming whilst I have been too busy to notice.  And now I've reparked in a duvet den with a new book.

gender and toilets

The division of us all into one of two genders infuriates me. The damage it can cause is so unnecessary, and sometimes it feels like small steps could make a big difference. This article got me thinking:

https://emilycheath.com/2016/04/27/on-restrooms-gender-and-fear/

I'm going to see if I can get the toilets at church become unisex. However, i also have rather a lot of other things going on at the moment so my actions may take a bit of a while to get started.

flow

The world of The Invisible Library was so intense that I needed a break before immersing myself elsewhere and so I didn't read a novel yesterday. Instead I picked up a book I'm part way through and really must get round to returning, on Happiness. Interestingly, the section I was up to was on work and how many people assume work is something to be endured rather than enjoyed. The writer states that actually lots of us experience more "flow" (when we are engrossed in what we are doing) in work rather than leisure situations. I certainly feel in my flow when I'm running a group or doing a home visit. I love supporting new mums. My main job has lots of that, my new job doesn't have any, so new challenges.

This is inspiring:
http://momastery.com/blog/2016/04/27/love-revolution/
I don't think I'll be back from work at 3pm (which is when I've calculated - with help form the internet) that this is happening. But I'll check it out ASAP. There are some awesome people involved - Glennon Doyle, Brene Brown and Rob Bell.

A long day, packed tons in. Tomorrow not likely to be any shorter.

Extra day

A grey bank holiday monday but i'm feeling grateful for what feels like a "bonus day". I feel i really need it to catch up - on lots of things. On rest, having worked some of yesterday and saturday. On chores (seeing as I worked and so haven't done my usual weekend catch up on domestic chores). And sadly, on work, as the things that need doing don't know it's a bank holiday. I'll just do a very little so that I can get them out of my mind instead of the thoughts carreering round in my head like they did last night. Hence me being up now ready to do a bit of emailing now, before 8am on a holiday.
I'm also wanting to have some family time. We've booked to see Civil Wars as the kids are uber keen to see it. i've said I might slip out to watch the Jungle Book next door, but they assure me I'll like it. I'll like being with them, so will have to leave with enough time to try and get seats together.

I've been feeling odd these last few days. Physically, a bit under the weather, but also I wonder if I had a pervasive dream that has overshadowed the day, but something is a bit weird.

There's something quite satisfying about it not being 9am yet and I've done an hours work (that's it for the day now) and tidied the house a bit and got the washing out, and no one else is even awake yet.

A wet May bank holiday Monday is the perfect time to put away the Christmas decs. This isn't quite as lazy as it sounds. I've been waiting til all the dust in the loft from the decorating was done with. The plan was to get the Christian aid bags at the same time as I need to divide all that today. The baubles are no longer on the landing, but the bags were forgotten in the process. I'll go up again later.

Lots of jobs done. Hope I like the film (especially as it's nearly 3 hours long )

higher revs

I was asked out by a lovely woman yesterday, which made my day. Turning down a date is not a familiar experience for me. I wonder what surprises today will hold. I had a practice in my boyfriend's car yesterday as from now on that's the car I'll be driving to work. So this morning is my first solo outing in it as I'm working at the hospital. There are a couple of particularly key differences that I musnt overlook. It doesn't have an automatic handbrake like I've become accustomed to. And it drinks petrol, important when filling up obviously, but also means it needs higher revs than I'm used to. So that stalling sound is just me as I get the hang of it.

No stalling today, and helpfully the car beeps if you try to drive with the handbrake on... :-)
Headache so snoozing on the sofa. Hoping to finish my book group book. Finished and not entirely happy with the ending.