terrified of losing people

I wrote this blog a fortnight ago and wasn't sure about posting it. Yesterday whilst not doing anything in particular I was again hit by a wave of fear and grief that brought instant tears - it's never far away, I clearly still have much to work on.

I remember when I was at high school and an older pupil died of meningitis, and another time when a car accident killed some students. The whole atmosphere changed. At university I was shocked by a death that left me interacting intensely with people for a while after, wondering if this would be the last time I saw them. And I've never eaten spaghetti hoops on toast since the moment the chaplain came during that tea, to tell me my auntie had died (those were the days before mobile phones).
I feel I live in a culture that doesn't really do death very well. There's a famous quote from Benjamin Franklin about the only certainties being death and taxes. I'm not earning enough this year to pay income tax, but there will be death and there are times when this scares me so much. So I feel I need to keep looking at it so I can integrate death better into my living. I don't think our denial of it helps any of us.
So what is it that terrifies me? The thought of losing those I love is simply unbearable. How can I live my life if those that mean so much to me are not in it? I sometimes find the fear of loss wins, and I tie myself up in knots, knowing that I want to be grateful for the now and that its silly to waste even a moment being sad about what hasn't yet happened. And yet I remain terrorized. I wonder if its a control thing, the not having any influence over people living or dying and the massive impact of the difference between those two states. Is it to do with regret, that because I don't know who is going to die when, how can I do enough to let people know I love them, that they matter so much to me?

There's a line from a seize the day song I draw on when the fear is overwhelming, about leaving the light on. So some nights that's what I do. In the morning I usually discover I've at some point without noticing turned it off.

http://www.seizetheday.org/music.cfm?trackID=43&albumID=3&alphabet

I don't want the fear to win. But I do understand how for lots of us it can grab us and hold on tightly.

... I'm still feeling sad that you're all going to die, but there is cause for celebration today as the second fracking application has been rejected too. What with marriage equality won in the US last week too, is does feel as if sense prevails in some ways.