Bah Humbug

Theologically and politically, there is a lot for me to love about Christmas… God, feeling disconnected from humanity, ponders and hits on the perfect solution – to turn up as a baby. Who can’t help but smile when they see a cute little face and hear those soft gurgles? And what an opportunity to show that wealth and a celeb culture are insignificant, if God opts for a poor family, an unmarried refugee mum.

Musically I love Christmas too – the old chart hits that bring back happy childhood memories; the new variations of some gorgeous carols; and some spine tingling choral pieces. Yum.

But… Like a lot of people, I feel an enormous amount of pressure to conform to commercialized expectations. I ought to enjoy the social aspect of Christmas – I love to connect with and appreciate people. But when that becomes equated with giving some kind of gift to represent how I feel about them, I just go to pieces. Why on earth would I want to spend my time in shops piled high with stuff none of us need, looking for that elusive present that will allegedly bring joy to the recipient? I know I sound grumpy, and that’s cos I am! It brings no joy to me, that pressure, because I simply don’t believe the myth that things bring us happiness. Yet I still feel bound by the convention that dictates I _have_ to give people things. Even if I’ve lovingly hand-crafted it myself; even if it’s an “ethical” gift, it still seems contrived.

There are lots of wonderful people in my life whom I love dearly. Surely I don’t have to present them with a present just to prove that? I’m off to re-read Doing December Differently by Nicola Slee and Rosie Miles and hopefully I can rediscover my Christmas joy…

Things my daughter has taught me.

1. Love is infinite.

2. My patience is not!!( I would not have survived parenting so well if I had not co-counselled every week.)

3.      My daughter taught me to fully show our love, and not minimise, or reserve it. When she was 2 or 3 we made a rainbow get well card for someone I knew but she didn’t. Inside she drew lots of kisses and I asked why, as she didn’t know him. She looked at me as if I were daft and said “he’s not well, he needs all our kisses”.

4. Cuddles are the best thing in the world.

5. It can break your heart to see your child suffer and not be able to protect her, or fix it and make it all better.

6. When you’re not happy about a situation, lying on your back and throwing your arms and legs in the air whilst protesting loudly is a great thing to do.

7. Living in the moment is the most fun.

8. You don’t need to be a qualified minister to bring people together in communion.

9. I am a brilliant mum.

10. We can learn as much from our children as they can from us.

Firth of Forth bridge

As I child I really enjoyed a visit to the Firth of Forth Bridge. I was told that as soon as the painters have got to the end they then need to recommence at the beginning, the job takes that long. I don’t know if it’s true, but the image has stayed with me. I often feel I’m doing tasks like that – I sweep the dining room floor, pause for a brief second to survey my work, and then in the blink of an eye, the dust, pet hair and crumbs start accumulating once more and the chore needs repeating. Domesticity doesn’t please me in this way as it never feels like I have achieved or finished anything… On the work front I have a to-do list broken down into manageable daily chunks so that at the end of each day I feel a sense of having completed something. But the trick for me is to not get bogged down by just ticking off the little unending tasks. I have to keep focussed on the bigger picture, the deepening of the relationships, the way my family is developing, the life that I am leading.

So maybe my last task of each day should be to step back and admire the glorious bridge in its entirety :D

Damn with praise

I’ve just enjoyed an article that I think can encourage us all to re-consider how we interact with others (and not just with children, although that is the focus of the article).

http://www.naturalchild.org/robin_grille/rewards_praise.html

It critiques the manipulative culture of praise and rewards , showing how when we are rewarded for doing something we then become less likely to do it outside of getting that reward, whereas we once perhaps did it JUST BECAUSE WE ENJOYED IT!! We can become addicted to the approval of others, and feel loss when we are not praised, and start to do things just to impress others not because we want to do it. Particularly of interest for me is how damaging it can be to praise someone’s potential with phrases such as “I know you can do it” or “you’re getting better!” as the implication is that they are not yet good enough and need to improve. It has always been important to me that my children know they are already good enough. I don’t manage it all the time by any means – I have used bribery, including emotional bribery, and I have rewarded behaviour that I want. But I did ask the other day what it is they thought they’d have to do to make me proud of them/love them more both now and in the future, and both were clear that there was nothing they would have to do, that I wouldn’t love them any more if they did or didn’t get a job/pass exams/have a partner/tidy their bedrooms etc etc.

I'm much better now at noticing when i'm wanting other people's approval and it would be fab if i could raise my children so they were less motivated by it. The article instead proposes we affirm others through appreciating them and suggests various helpful strategies such as by using I statements (I could do a lot better on this, I often say "You’re a star” when with more effort I could tell someone what it is I appreciate about them.) It can also help to encourage the other person to reflect on how they feel about it/what they are pleased with (I am good at doing this – go me!!!) or help them to notice eg you look like you enjoyed that.

I think it’s really tricky for any of us to get away from rewarding - it happens quite a bit in schools where to date I’ve managed to resist some of it – homework for housepoints is still optional , and I never insist they do it, preferring to let them do whatever project they currently are excited by (this week it has been constructing a monopoly-style board game that includes the ownership of planets and even the universe…)

Our whole culture is coated in it for us as adults too – the advertising phrase that annoys me most is “because you’re worth it”, as I want to scream – what, and the woman who walks miles each day to get clean water for her family and has no money for food let alone a hair product (if that’s what it is for?)- what, she isn’t worth it????? Why is it we are encouraged to think we “deserve” to reward ourselves? This to me is about profit-making out of attempts to fill our insecure “holes” at its most blatant. Grrrrrrrrrr.

This much I know (but frequently forget so have to remind myself)

1. I am loved. And loveable and loving. Worthy of respect, a miracle, full of potential yet not needing to do a thing to prove it. As is every other person on the planet.

2. I am doing the best I can at all times and in all situations – I can expect the best and yet not beat myself up when what I manage does not feel as good as I would have liked, as I am not perfect – but perfectly OK. And I can apply the same principle to everyone else too.

3. I can trust that nothing is going to happen, no hurt or experience, that will overcome me. Love always wins. I am a creative, intelligent, loving human being who can (with sufficient space) work things out for the best. Just like everyone else.