I predict a riot....

Reflecting on what it is I need to let go of, in readiness for some worship I’m running tomorrow, I am realising it probably isn’t what I thought it was! I think a lot of my anxiety stems from not knowing (any more?? As if I ever did!) what my future holds. I’m probably not the only one - is this why horoscopes and psychics are so popular?

My present is fine. I don’t know what is coming next, and don’t want to spoil the now with my constant worry – Where am I going? Ought I be doing things differently now to achieve a different future?

What I really want is to stay totally focussed on the present - so what would it take for me to trust that the future will be what it is and will be fine? Again, it feels like there is a balancing act between accepting and so being content with how it is; and knowing I also have it within my power to change things for the better. A friend reminded me recently of the serenity prayer – it probably comes down to that. So let me remind myself…

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."

Tantrum…

IT’S NOT FAIR!!!!!

Kids are great at getting their feelings out. That’s sometimes inconvenient/embarrassing for us parents, but I have learned a lot from my children, and the value of a good tantrum is one. I tend to call it venting as that sounds a bit more grown up, but sometimes I just need a really loud protest at how things are simply not the way I would like them to be.

I’m currently still working on ‘letting go’ of my expectations and dreams I had held for sometime. Illness, infirmity, infertility, infidelity, disability, redundancy, bereavement, or in my own case, separation… I imagine all of these things (and more) can have us feel like we are not living the life we had perhaps expected of ourselves when we were young. I grew up with the fairytale expectation that I would meet my prince, marry, have children and live happily ever after. Yet pretty much everyone I know is living their lives having to face some kind of loss. So it’s how we adjust to those losses, how we grieve them, that I guess makes our lives what they are.

Tantrums/venting/ allowing ourselves to deeply grieve, cry, shout or whatever we need to do is one way… I’m lucky to have several people with whom I can do that safely, a sympathetic friend who knows we just need to let it all out and won’t think any worse of us. I know some people who almost seem defined by their losses – and when life has been particularly tough, I guess that’s no surprise. I know other courageous people who have grieved deeply and so have dealt with a whole host of disappointments, failures or setbacks and now carry no bitterness or regret. And that is what I’m aiming for. So grieve well my friends, for whatever it is that you have lost...

Perfect Day

The song I probably play most is Perfect Day - the version I have is the 1997 Children in Need one, with various voices. I play it when I am having a great day. And I play it when I am not, as a reminder that I have the power to turn around a miserable day into a more positive one. I read the other day that we’ll all experience suffering - but that we choose if we experience misery. And I do believe that with enough love and inner resource we can, and obviously do, work through lots of hideous stuff to emerge stronger or with new insight.

Similarly, we can each decide if our day, our lives, are ‘perfect’ (or at least good enough to bring contentment). I think we can pour a lot of money and planning into trying to have a good time. I don’t know about you, but the times I find myself enjoying life most are not usually the ones that have been much anticipated, or have cost a fortune, or have required a whole lot of energy to make it happen. My perfect moments are when I catch myself at peace with myself and whoever I’m with. Swinging arms with my daughter along to Dancing Queen. Really really enjoying the food that is in front of me. Being unexpectedly complimented. Noticing the berries in the hedge. It’s all about being totally present, not sucked back into the past or worried about the future. Avoiding the “I’ll be happy when...” way of thinking that postpones our enjoyment of the here and now even if it isn’t what we were expecting, even if we want things to be different.

It is of course a balancing act - whilst I love the feeling of contentedness and that at one level all is “just right” in the world, I also don’t want to lose my sensitivity to the fact that there is much that is not right in the world, and my drive to make things better for ourselves and for others. But then again I like a challenge :D

What about you?

colouring in

Some people may say that spending over an hour creating an elephant picture was not a good use of time. To those people i may well stick my tongue out, and remind them that this is my life. I had such a sense of achievement for turning an idea into a reality (esp as i managed to use technology to do so) and was most definitely in my flow (i do love colouring).

Do you have conversations in your head that go along the lines of "I'd like to do that" "but there's so many other things i ought to do instead" "but i'm going to do this anyway, just because i want to..." I so rarely make that decision to grab the opportunity to do what i want, not what i ought.

I have been reflecting this week on how i _ought_ to be living my life. Should i be doing more paid work? I had a great discussion with a friend about it, and i honestly think that each of us have to work out what it is that's right for us as to how we spend the time we have. The contributions i've made to society this week, and the moments when i've felt especially fulfilled, have not necessarily been the times i've been doing paid work. It's been those times that i've had capacity to listen and to connect. that's what has me look in the mirror and go yes, this is how i'd like to be living my life if it was my last day. that and using felt tip pens...