appreciation

it’s really uplifting isn’t it, when someone appreciates us. I’ve learned that the best kind of appreciation has to be specfic - it can be wonderful to be told we’re great, but it’s far easier to hold onto if it’s something more tangible than that.

years ago i was once told “i could marry you for that cup of tea!” - he didn’t, but i can still hear it now - it stuck as evidence of something someone had noticed that i had done well!

even better i guess is when we’re encouraged to notice for ourselves what we’re doing well, so we can appreciate ourselves. I often try and ask people when they’ve just done something such as lead a session “what is it you’re pleased with”. I’m frequently told that’s a good question to ask (see, instant appreciation of me too - win, win!); although sometimes people struggle to notice what they’ve done well and are pulled to notice what they could have done better, so need a little encouragement to feel ok about being pleased with themselves (back to the theme in the "you are brilliant" blog...)

So, let’s keep noticing how well people are doing, and tell them. You might just make someone’s day!

I love you

At a recent co-counselling event, I was struck by the saying that we are all loved way more than we have a picture of. And that we love people way more than we usually let on.

Today I want to let people know that I really really really love them. I don’t want to wait til the most amazing people in my life die before I start eulogising them. I want them to have a glimpse right now that they make a tangible difference in my life, that I am so glad I have met them and learned from them and had the opportunity to love and be loved by them.

But how do I do that? Buying gifts just doesn’t do it for me. Thinking to phone them can be a start. Giving them a massive hug is another... using both my arms. Or maybe I just need to say it?

I’ve been thinking how do others communicate to me that they love me? I’ve very fortunate to have had several people in my life unequivocally tell me that I am fully loved - they have told me and I have heard it. Others frequently show me their love without words but in kind gestures.

Times when I’ve felt love stongly includes when I’ve been ‘needy’ rather than useful, because I’ve been able to seperate out the feeling of being loved for who I am rather than a gratiitude for what I do for others - I was so touched by the friend turning up with a picnic of goodies when I was encamped in a hospital ward for 3 weeks; and by the numerous friends who have listened for hours whilst I have sobbed about how devastated I was by my husband leaving.

I’ve also been able to notice how loved I am when it feels like someone has ‘sacrificed’ something for me - baked a whole tray of Brownies and not had a single one herself; given me their car when they could easily have sold it; passed on a treasured possession; trusted me with a secret.

So today, I will try and give - give of myself, my time, my stuff, and see if I can begin to show just how much the people in my life mean to me.

you are brilliant

i have a friend who has noticed we often are critical of ourselves in photos and i have been noticing how hard it can be for us to like ourselves generally, and to take compliments in particular.

i was with a bunch of strangers this weekend and asked them to tell me an interesting fact alongside their name, and it was really quite tricky for any of us - me included - to share something about ourselves that we thought could be classed “interesting” - and yet, just like the time i asked people to say what they liked about themselves - people were far more readily able to say something interesting about someone else in the group.

so what is it about admitting to our own brilliance, our uniqueness, our wonderfulness that scares us so?

for starters, many of us are not in touch with it - we’ve accumulated so much self doubt, we’ve internalised so much criticism, that we notice and dwell on our imperfections and failings.

and then there’s the fear - if i share something i feel good about, what if i don’t live up to it? will everyone be looking out for the times i’m not as good as i claim to be? what if they think i’m boasting, full of myself?

i’m interested to know where this idea came from, that boasting about ourselves is such a bad thing... one of my fave quotes is often attributed to Nelson Mandela but was actually written by Marianne Williamson and goes like this. Read and enjoy :)

"We ask ourselves:"Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."