Time

I'm still reeling with shock that a man was murdered yesterday in a road rage incident not far from my house. There's so much that's horrific about this and I'm struck by how people's lives can change in an instant. The family and friends of the man. Those who saw it take place. The 4 young people in the car whose life trajectory will now be shaped by what happened.
I can think of several life altering moments in my own life, usually unexpected telephone calls with unhappy news. Yet I know life is more than this, we are more than the out of the blue changes, that the daily small interactions shape us too.
For me this has felt like an incredibly long week. Time is weird isn't it. I guess we can make the most of it however it feels.

Singlist

I can't recall ever noticing this much stress in my body before, so am giving myself some intensive TLC tonight. Breathing and biscuits in the newly uncovered garden, and some loud singing and dancing to get that tension out. I thought I'd compile a sing list.

Run, leona lewis
Idlewild, Travis ft Josephine oniyama
Fix you, Coldplay
Somewhere only we know, Keane
True colors, cyndi lauper
You raise me up, josh groban
Let it be, The beatles
Hallelujah, alexandra Burke
You say Lauren Daigle
Ooh child, five stairsteps
I am not forgotten, Israel Houghton

Dystopia

I'm not feeling at my most hopeful at the moment. I didn't even make it to church yesterday, which is unusual. I applied my remedies tho... Saw a friend, ate nice food and had a good sing - karaoke in the lounge by myself, the dog slightly perturbed by my enthusiasm.
Part of it stems I think from my recent entertainment being dystopian fiction. I think the tv programme 'Years and years' is brilliant. Set in the not too distant future, I have found it depressing because I think it's so plausible. My book group book, The Circle, also doesn't seem impossible, with its obsessive watching of folk and compulsion to acquire "likes". Meanwhile the Tory leadership contest has its own dystopian feel yet is an actual reality going on in my background, nothing I can do about it so I need to focus on the things in my life I can influence.
Years and years ends this week and I get a new book group book on Wednesday. I think I need to seek out that which brings joy and hope so will keep my eyes open. There's an abundance of flowers and a whole lot of lovely people out there. That's what I need to fill my time with.

Managing risk

It's been a tricky old time, not much wiggle room for anything. The grass is as high as an elephants eye (almost) and blogging hasn't happened. I bought myself a further copy of embracing uncertainty, as I was uncertain where my current copy is :-) but not even opened that. Still hopefully just a few weeks more and then hopefully things will be on a firmer footing.
Meanwhile I've been annoyed by insurance and need to make a sensible decision about my girly's phone rather than a knee-jerk reaction to the extortionate amount I paid last time. It can feel hard to know what to do about protecting against a potential future when of course we don't know what the future holds.  I wish I could just live in the now, and not have to make decisions about pensions and insurance. Being a grown up sucks sometimes.
This weekend I'm trying to imitate my dog instead. He doesn't seem troubled by what is to come and spends his life sleeping on the sofa, eating, and the occasional bit of curiosity. Sounds good to me.

Messy

 But if the world is watching, we might as well tell the truth. And the truth is, the church doesn't offer a cure. It doesn't offer a quick fix. The church offers death and resurrection. The church offers the messy, inconvenient, gut-wrenching, never-ending work of healing and reconciliation.

Rachel Held Evans

I can't claim to be fully conversant with all of Rachel Held Evans' work, tho I aim to rectify that a bit. She died yesterday, at the age of 37, and it feels important to share her wisdom and insight that so many of us need.

I particularly relate to this quote at the moment, as I am grateful for folk in the church who stay alongside when things are messy. I also know it's what I'm called to, to keep on loving even when it's inconvenient, feels never ending, and is the kind of love involving pain and doubt rather than flowers and sunshine. Gifts of growth rather than jewellery are far more my thing.

Healing and reconciliation are not simple actions but ongoing processes. Endings are not the end but an integral part of development. It's not a sanitised, easy to digest message. It's one that gives genuine hope tho.

Rest

The dog hurt his paw a while back and the vet said he needed to rest. The dog however doesn't understand this instruction and is not resting well. Even when his limp was at it's most severe he'd hobble around hopefully, thinking he was about to go on a long walk.
This weekend I too need to rest. I'm much more understanding of this need and am happily ensconced on the sofa. If only the dog would stop whining..,

Not giving up giving up

Lent ends tomorrow,but my commitments do not. I tried a whole range of things this year, taking some inspiration from 40 Acts ( daily suggestions for acts of generosity) that saw me raise conversations about period poverty for example. I also made more of an effort to choose vegan. Mainly tho my efforts focussed in reducing my plastic usage. This was really quite tricky, and I didn't always manage. Some foods we have not had much of as a result - soft fruit for example which I couldn't source without plastic. But overall what we have eaten has tasted better as I've had to put effort in to avoid tubs.
The warm potato salad I've just consumed was delicious; the coleslaw I made earlier this week really felt like I could definitely count it as vegetable portions; the hummus a garlicky delight. Better yet I then used the chickpea water to make a vegan meringue topping for a lemon meringue. I didnt whisk it long enough but it still tasted yummy.