No need to fret

Last night I was part of a trio singing a verse that included the line "no need to fret, no need to fear" from a rather large stage at the opera house. I did fret, and my tummy still hasn't unknotted itself. Something would have to be different for me to want to do that again as that feeling of sickness is horrible and I'd much rather sing and enjoy it.

There's been some great bits this week, I got very excited by an article by Jane Leach about the pastoral theology of attention, all about noticing voices. This helped compensate for my disappointment on reading the highly anticipated love languages of God book. I was fooled by the promising rainbow splashed cover and subtitle about us reflecting divine love. Whilst the concept of the 5 love languages remains of interest to me, I couldn't bear the hideous theology of sickness, his abhorrent views around sexuality and his inability to use inclusive language, all somewhat surprising in a book about love.

I'm hoping to soon borrow a book about noticing impacts on our body. Right now with my twisted insides, it feels that info could be useful!

Beaumaris / Brexit

Last week I got to have a good look around Beaumaris castle, an excellent place for hide and seek with it's long corridors, myriad toilet cubby holes and symmetrical layout of towers and double walls. Ranked by UNESCO as a world heritage site, there was lots to enjoy, and my only regret (and I don't usually have regrets) is that I didn't video myself singing "swing low sweet chariot" in the chapel, as the acoustics were the best I've ever heard.

And yet it was never finished, this great example of a castle never got to be a castle, money ran out, and all those years of effort by so many labourers were wasted when the desires of the elite changed and finances were diverted to warring elsewhere.
Given that the news that day - as most days- was about Brexit, I couldn't help but draw similarities. I'm so cross that so much energy and money is going into what strikes me as a folly, when there is so much else we could be paying attention to, like addressing climate change, and tackling the growing use of food banks.
Despite never being completed, beaumaris still brings delight and learning today, so I guess wasn't totally in vain. I really hope that years down the line some good can come from this Brexit process, that it will have given a chance for people's voices and concerns over how we fit into Europe, to have been heard. The endless debating infuriates me and I suspect we will never really reach an end as whatever the outcome, people's perspectives on it will still need to be heard. As always, I want to stay focussed on where I can make a difference, and my own eternal question is more around "what matters?" Which for me is only how we keep on loving, whatever the situation...

Bruise

I am thoroughly enjoying my job and yesterday ran an event and noticed I felt so at ease. It is using a lot of my gifts and I really like how every day is so different. It wasn't all delightful tho. The kitchen entrance had an open child gate on it, and for some reason, every single time I entered the kitchen, I bumped my thigh on the frame. By the afternoon I was developing a bruise on the bruise and it was rather tender. I was really surprised that I kept not learning, but repeating my mistake despite the pain. One colleague said that next time she'd have to remove the frame for me. I'm not sure how easy that would be but it got me thinking. How many times do we make the same error before we start to do something differently? And might it sometimes be worth removing the source of pain if we really are struggling to adjust?
I'm a big believer in our ability to develop, to learn from our failings. But it's good to be open to other options. Maybe next time I could take a little cushion or something, to tape over the offending sticky out bit?
Today I wish you ease for the things that repeatedly bruise you.

Droplets from "the places that scare you" by Pema Chodron

I took action, yay, and bought myself the book, only £1.50 second hand, I'm pretty easy to please :-) Already on page 1 there were two quotes I wanted to share so I kept a running collection of them, which is why this blog post has taken a while to materialize.

It is very much a book centred around Buddhist teaching, so if that's not for you, maybe you wouldn't enjoy this book. However I'd recommend it any way, for as Suzuki Roshi is quoted as saying at the start on having an open mind - " In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's there are few".

As a beginner, the book contains a fair few concepts that I've not been able to get my head round. I have a friend who may be willing to help me understand the Buddhist teachings better than I managed on my own reading of this book. Lots to think about tho. And she writes: "If we put it [a drop of water] on a rock in the sunshine, it will soon evaporate. If we put it in the ocean, however, it will never be lost. Thus the wish is made that we not keep the teachings to ourselves but use them to benefit others"
Now of course technically nothing is ever lost in the closed water cycle, it merely converts to another form. But I like how it can symbolise for us that putting our learning alongside that of others is better than staking it out as exclusively our own.

There's lots on how we create fear as we seek stability rather than accept how things are, in a constant state of change. As she says, "there is no cure for hot and cold." Later in the book there's a similar call to seek equanimity rather than be pulled to hope or fear. I've had to reexamine already my predilection towards hope so this interests me. I understand what she is saying, that we can get caught in a cycle of attraction and aversion, and can see merit in "the vast mind that doesn't narrow reality into for and against"

In the chapter on strength I like her call to a "commitment to use our lives to dissolve the indifference, aggression and grasping that separates us from one another... to respect whatever life brings... to use discomfort as an opportunity for awakening, rather than trying to make it disappear". The end of the book focuses on our pull towards comfort. It's been interesting, but has taken some effort. I already have my next non fiction book lined up, "The love languages of God" by Gary Chapman. I wonder if you'll get to hear about that too?

Enigma

Note to self: whilst I want to keep watching films that raise vital social justice issues, these are best watched when there is then time to channel my outrage, rather than me try to sleep after. It's not even the first time I've watched The Imitation Game, and I rarely watch films twice. Once again I'm appalled, upset, and so angry. And of course I can't guarantee I would have stood up against homophobia or slavery even tho I'd like to think I would; and there are no doubt atrocities happening right now that I'm turning a blind eye to that future generations will ask why didn't I act.
The current book group book, Homegoing, is horrific too, about the treatment of black people throughout history. Right now I'm feeling pretty disgusted with how so many of us treat others. We still have a lot to learn.

Sensitivity

You may remember that I like to be warm, frequently to be found in at least one scarf and a big fan of the unexpectedly large amount of heat generated by candles. Thankfully it's a mild weekend to have a boiler on the blink, but I'm still missing it. At 14 degrees in my room, that's enough to spark a headache, so as soon as my girly heads to her dad's I'm going to acquire the oil radiator from her room to take the chill off mine.
I really don't know how people on the street physically survive, and indeed I'm aware that many do not. When I get overly cold I can feel my body starting to shut down. I know some people don't register temperature so intently, I see them out in shorts no matter what the wind chill factor. Is it to do with our varying regulation systems? Maybe I'm just a sensitive soul?
I know I'm sensitive on the emotional front (probably not news to anyone) and have been particularly moved by the last two films I've chosen, crying copious amounts even for me. I'd highly recommend both - Lion, and The Shack. Identifying strongly with the feelings of loss by a parent in both cases, I found them really powerful. Watch them and weep :-)

Knickers to the naysayers :-)

There are some people who tell me that I take my principles too far. I suspect that my achievement this afternoon will confirm that in their eyes... But that's their view and they're welcome to it. I am feeling super proud that rather than throw out a 20+ year old pair of favourite knickers, I used some material from the rag bag to regusset them so they look as good as new :-) This for me is not make-do-and-mend, as I don't feel I'm making do. And whilst I can afford new underwear, I don't believe the planet can...