unwashed

I got up in the middle of the night to repeatedly iron my girly's PE socks. She had told me on Friday that her kit needed washing as she'd had cross country running, but we dived straight off to Messy Church and no-one remembered to do anything with the kit until I was checking something last night and suddenly recalled the conversation. Cue lots of stress and handwashing. I don't have a tumble dryer. Awake in the middle of the night stressing about just how much I have to do today, I figured that if I ironed them the heat would help them dry. They were mainly dry when shoved back in the bag this morning but not completely so. I have concluded I'm not organised or patient enough to be a parent. Yesterday involved a lot of frustrated parenting and wasn't helped by declaring loudly how much I hate parenting at times.
I did enjoy a moment of joy walking back from church when a lad of maybe around 10 exclaimed delightedly "Did you see that squirrel?" I enthused that I had, "wasn't it wonderful!" We get loads of squirrels in our garden but I love that it's an excitement to people, and it reminded me of when I visited friends in London and pointed out the overhead aeroplane to my toddler. As our hosts were on the Heathrow flightpath the plane was unnoticed and unremarkable to them.
There is no way I can do everything on today's list so I guess I will just prioritise - none of it is life threatening so I don't know why I've got so stressed about it...

sparkling black ink and white feathers

My book group book is - as lots of my book group books have been - not something I'd have picked to read. But I'm thoroughly enjoying it, a magical read in more ways than one, and I love that some of the pages have lines and stars - someone clever somewhere has made black ink seem to sparkle. It does seem to match the quotes on the front, such as dazzling and enchanting - or maybe I have been duped, as that is what the book is about - how we see what we have been made to see.

A long train journey meant that I not only got to read a good chunk then, but as I was so tired when I got back I couldn't bear an evening in front of my computer so read in the bath too, and feel thoroughly relaxed. Result. The temptation this morning was to "just make a start" on either of the enormous action lists from both yesterdays and Friday's meetings, whilst the children aren't here before church. But I'm not. If I work today too that becomes far-too-many-work-days-in-a-row.

I sat beside a family on the train and had some great conversations with the 6 year old. As she was getting up to disembark, she pulled a white feather from behind my ear. This seemed very fitting given my novel about illusions - I asked if it was hers or if she'd found it there. She told me it was there already, I said she could keep it (walking into my work meeting with a white feather behind my ear was not the look I was going for with my new boss). I was then particularly pleased with myself for after a rummage in my bag I was able to find another for her younger sister - it would have been a mean gift to the mother if i'd only given a feather to one of her children.

These are my favourite kind of gifts - random as opposed to forced (because it is Christmas) and free and already in existence rather than expensive and produced from a resource that could have stayed put/been made into something useful instead of clutter destined for landfill. But the best gifts are our time and thoughts. I have several friends who are grieving and my hope is I can show my love/hold them somehow. When I'm sad and lonely that's what I want most of all, to be held. When we're apart from those we love that's just not possible. The conjourers do all kinds of tricks - I'm wondering if I can somehow convey across the distance the warmth of my hug or hand. If you feel a squeeze later, you know I managed it ;)

speed

Got to dash - train to catch - so ironically thought I'd share this, from a fab friend this week:
http://embed.ted.com/talks/gavin_pretor_pinney_cloudy_with_a_chance_of_joy.html
Love it - all about slowing down and marvelling at the mundane.
I was v kindly given some damsons last weekend and despite 2 people telling me the stones would rise to the surface when I simmered them, both times I did the stewing it, didn't work. In the end I got my fingers in to de-stone them - messy but effective. And I concluded I'm from a generation who expect their food to be convenient, dealt with before we get our hands on it, rather than spending hours (seriously) trying to get the insides out.

So today, I'll be looking for where I need to get my hands dirty rather than stand back and wait for it all to be done for me. And will seek out the glorious in the everyday. V grateful for all who encourage me in these things - you are brilliant!!

swords

I support new parents so I cannot possibly moan about how little sleep I had. However one of the tricky things about being in a relationship with someone who works nights, is that on the occasional evening that we spend time together, we are in different zones. I'm not only up this morning to help get the kids ready for school before going straight off to work myself - I also need to be out of the house tomorrow morning at daft o clock to catch the first train to Birmingham. He can sleep til midday both days and makes no sense for him to go to sleep my ideal side of midnight. We have been watching Game of Thrones - it's then no surprise that my dreams involved sword-wielding and fear - who is the enemy? - tho in my dream setting, at a Cathedral wedding. I was watching last night and caught myself thinking "she shouldn't have told someone who she is!" - which is so the opposite of what I actually believe - which is that we shouldn't hide who we are for fear of others finding out. That trust is the only way to build relationships tho it brings with it the risk of exposure, of being let down, of having a sword through your ribs.

I've been struggling of late with the line in the Bible that goes "I have come not to bring peace but a sword". As someone who wants to bring peace but has recently felt that in some places I have been divisive, which has broken my heart, I have never found an understanding of this verse. So I'm really pleased to have read this, which focuses on how we can challenge traditional powerful hierarchies:
http://www.jesusradicals.com/%E2%80%9Ci-have-come-not-to-bring-peace-but-a-sword%E2%80%9D/

I'm going to look out today for where I'm reluctant to trust, and make sure I spend no time at all wary of anyone bearing weapons. Big love :D

not impossible

I'm amused by one of my things on today's to-do list: "don't make my son's lunch". It's because there's a school special lunch tomorrow instead of him taking a packed lunch. So I've already and always done this but can't really cross it off as really it's later I need to remember _not_ to do it. I'm still sad today but that's fine - sad things have been happening so it's ok to be sad. Not having enough fluids probably isn't helping so I've just made myself a hot chocolate coffee - not something i ever do. I've found two teaspoons in the hot choc jar (no wonder I always run short of teaspoons). I've decided the learning is if you don't do something yourself, you don't know what others are doing. So I'm thinking of trying something ridiculous. To go away on a work conference for two night - MIDWEEK. Most of my colleagues go every year. I've never been. Even thinking of all I'd have to organise has me sighing. Already this week I've paid more on babysitting than I have earned - the costs (and not just financial) of not being here to parent can feel very high. And don't get me started on the dog... But it shouldn't have to feel impossible. I have 2 months to sort it, I'm a woman of great creativity - I can do most things if I put my mind to it.
Right now I'm putting my mind to making today's to do list a bit funner - I've obviously not got the right things on my list as I've done lots this morning but not crossed a single thing off...

New list:
Listen to new album of one of my fave bands.
Remind my friends how much they mean to me
Do all those things that continually need doing but never make the list - washing, dishwashing, pet feeding etc
Sort something for the entire rest of the year that i normally manage only a month at a time (woo, go me!)
Mind hug loads of lovelies
Locate missing spoons
Treat myself

Hope your actual/mental/not even thought out list has lovely things on it too :)

funeral

sometimes the "highly unlikely" comes to pass after all. I was unexpectedly able to go to my neighbour's funeral. I'm glad, I shall miss her. The words at the end of the service were great - tho led by an Anglican Minister they were the URC words of her church - I have found them online and share them below as it's a great call to us all as to how we can live and grieve.
I have bought ready made mashed potato for the first time ever. All I want to do when the kids get home is cuddle up to them, so I chose tea with minimum prep. My girly wants to audition for The Sound Of Music at her school and as we've still never seen it, tonight (before choir) is the night to camp under the duvet. Perfect.

God, source of all life,
mysterious, profound, generous in love,
we give thanks because we have seen you in N.
We give thanks for his/her life;
for all that he/she was,
and for all that he/she gave of himself/herself
to his/her family, to friends,
to the community of faith in the Church,
to the world of work
and to the wider community.
We thank you for….
We give thanks
for what he/she was to each one of us.
We give thanks that he/she was such a person
that we are moved to grief and sorrow by his/her loss.
Help us, through his/her death,
to see more clearly the significance of life
and to grasp more firmly the hope
that we are more than our years
and that love is stronger than death.
We pray for ourselves,
disturbed by the great mystery of death,
facing the questions it raises and the loss it brings.
We pray that we will not be overwhelmed,
but may face honestly what confronts us,
so that we may sorrow freely
and turn to life again
with courage and with hope.
As we honour N
we commit ourselves to care for each other,
to bring hope to the despairing,
and joy to those who sorrow.
God, be with us here this day
and in all the days to come.
May we live as those who remember the past
and who have hope for the future.
We pray in the name of Jesus Christ
our Lord and our Redeemer.

wings

On facebook today I've seen a lovely picture - you'll have to imagine it - of colourful birds snuggled together, with the caption "A beautiful expression of love is to want the best for someone whether it includes you or not." This seems to be apt for me of late - it's so hard tho. And I have friends whose children have flown the nest recently and I can't imagine how hard that must be too - but whilst I can have empathy there's no point me worrying about that for myself too yet - plenty enough to concern me right now without jumping that gun! We have to feel so secure in ourselves to be able to put our wanting to be in someone else's life aside so that they can choose for themselves to go it alone. The more we can heal our old doubts as to if we were really wanted in the first place (just the way we are, our gender, our misbehaving, our numerous inabilities to live up to whoever's expectations we were listening to); how we kept getting overlooked when the captain was picking the sports team one by one in school PE; the friends and the lovers who walked or never seemed to make the same effort back... all those incidents that got us wondering if we were really really totally and completely wanted, anything that stopped us recognising we are vitally important. When we've healed enough from all that, I guess we can keep our hearts open wide enough to let people fully in, and then not try and grasp at them but let them - if that's what's right for them - continue on or away without us.

It's entirely possible I've gone on and on about this in my blogs before - I've not done a search as I'm simultaneously (look away now Dad) trying to cook tea and get the house ready for a meeting I'm hosting, as well as keep half an ear out for warring kids who still need to do homework/get ready for cubs. But this has been on my mind a lot these last few years, and the fb image reminded me of it so much.

It's tricky cos I know it involves the feelings of both parties - maybe the one who wants to not include the other anymore is protesting to check that the other values them - I know when I threaten to leave my job it's usually cos I just want someone to go - "but Kristie, it's so wonderful to have you here, doing what you do so brilliantly!" Maybe the leaving party wants us to show we'd fight for them to stay?

When one of my best friends moved away it was a tricky tightrope - I was so gutted, and yet so delighted that she'd chosen what is right for her.

I wish you could see the picture - we are all so bright and beautiful - and our wings offer us so much. Right now I think I'd best not burn the tea...