communicating our hurts

you’ll know by now that i think connecting is important, that loving one another is all it is all about. i’ve got to notice again recently how our hurts can get in the way (i keep forgetting: our brilliant thinking can get clouded by our unresolved ‘stuff’)

so when i’m busy nursing my own hurts and doubts, it leaves me less willing/able to connect with others. and when someone tries to communicate their hurts to me, i can get panicky (are they having a go at me, do they not like me?) instead of instantly recognising that they just have a hurt they’re trying to deal with.

someone pointed out recently that maybe some folk try and start arguments as it’s the way they’ve learned to vent. i don’t feel comfortable with conflict - until i remember that again, it’s just people trying to communicate and connect.

that’s all we’re trying to do

and so i have choices - let my fear win by retreating into my self doubt. Or see it as an opportunity to connect. here’s a wonderful human-being showing a bit of themselves, sharing their doubts and hurts. if i can remember this in the moment, it transforms it from something scary into something wonderous. this person may be (intentionally or not) lashing out, they may want to cause hurt. but it’s only cos they’re feeling hurt themselves. i don’t have to let it play into my fears, but can instead see the vulnerable person they are, just like me with my hurts. no better, no worse, just hurting.

and hearing - really hearing - each others hurts is a transformative act in itself. if i keep remembering that then the fear won't win. Love wins :)

Relationships are everything

One of the organisations I volunteer with is called NCBI and we run workshops around conflict resolution and prejudice reduction. I have learnt a lot in my time with them, and one of the key things is prioritising keeping/making good relationships with people. As a Woman of Principles, I can sometime lose sight of what matters. Yes, I want justice for everyone, so yes, I want to end oppression, stand up for what is right, challenge people to rethink consumerism etc etc. But if i for a moment forget people’s humanity, then it just wasn’t worth it.

I’m feeling particularly pleased with myself this week, because I made a conscious decision to _not_ lose sight of people and my relationship with them because of a concern for having my needs met. So, there was a dispute over who was responsible for paying quite a bit of money for my boiler to be fixed - me, or a couple of different possible companies. At times, I wanted to get stroppy, and so had a bit of a cry with my friend, and then went back to the situation remembering that all these people I was talking to were warm and lovely people, doing their job as best they could. I have stayed upbeat and friendly - sometimes firm, but always keeping love for the people involved central, rather than my fear, hurt or stroppiness. So now, whilst it’s great to have a mended boiler, what’s even better is that i didn’t have to rob anyone else of their humanity in the process :)

Year of the Friend

It’s been a tricky year for me this last year, and as part of marking its end, i’m consciously celebrating the many friendships that have helped get me through.

I’m a firm believer in the commitments made in marriage, and think it is great when we meet someone with whom we want to share our whole life, and hope to grow old with. And yet, I also think we put a whole lot of emphasis on (heterosexual) couplehood that i think can undermine how full our lives are because of the range of people in our lives, rather than being made ‘complete’ by just a Special One.

That’s why i struggle with the phrase “my other half”. I like the sentiment of being made whole by being with someone... and yet how can one person possibly fulfil all our needs, and be everything we feel we are lacking in our life? For me, I’m very glad to have a whole range of wonderful people in my life, each of whom brings their unique qualities that add to the richness of my life.

So Thank you for being my friend :) xx

it’s not a competition

Self esteem can be a slippery thing I’ve found - maybe it’s just due to how my life is right now, but it does feel as if i have times of contented self assurance and times of intense doubt. But a phrase I seem to use repeatedly - to myself and others, is that “it’s not a competition.” I use it to remind myself that i needn’t compare myself to (either find myself wanting in comparison, usually, or occasionally to feel ‘better than’) other women, other parents, other kind people, whatever my insecurity of the moment is. I am indeed the only me, and cannot and should not try to be like anyone else - it doesn’t matter one jot how they are - what matters if I am giving “being me” my best shot.

It’s hard tho isn’t it...

I even say it when people are trying to compliment me - have you noticed that people sometimes struggle to appreciate us for ourselves without comparing us to others? So i might get told “that was the best xxx I’ve ever heard” - which could feel flattering - but i don’t want to feel good at the expense of someone from the previous week who if overhearing would now feel their xxx was not as good...

So I’m going to keep noticing when I feel tempted to compare myself, and encourage others to do likewise. :)

help me!

i’m not all that good at letting people help me. i like to be independent and it can be a struggle to remember our mutual interdependence. and yet i like to help others, so it’s useful for me to remember how hard it can be for some of us to accept help.

so what makes it hard?

admitting we are needy can be tricky, it makes us more vulnerable, can feel like we’re giving away some of our power/control. I think that if we hold some identities where our power has had to be fought for, this can be especially hard. So if we’re women, or working class, or a young person, for example, it can be hard to allow others to help us. For starters, they may not give us the help we actually need - it’s a risk, they might be so ingrained in their ‘dominant’ identity, they might do things their way, in the way they think is best for us, without checking what kind of help we are hoping for, what WE think it is we most need.

Or by admitting we need help, we worry it might confirm people’s stereotypes of us. I find it much easier to ask for help in the areas of my life where i don’t feel i have anything to prove. I get people to listen to me all the time cos i know it will help me. But i hate to come across as incompetent when it comes to say, technology, cos I don’t like to confirm in anyone’s minds that women are no good at that kind of thing. No pressure there then!!!

Also - what if i then 'owe' the person and can't return the favour? Or find in the future i need even more help - i don't want to 'use up' all their generosity now cos maybe i'll have a greater need later. So the fear could win. Or so could the love, and i could trust that they are happy and willing to help me just as often as i need, cos they're nice like that :)

So, I want to keep on welcoming people to help me, to give of themselves just as I want to offer myself, my time and my talents to others. And with such co-existing, I and the world will be much better :)

appreciation

it’s really uplifting isn’t it, when someone appreciates us. I’ve learned that the best kind of appreciation has to be specfic - it can be wonderful to be told we’re great, but it’s far easier to hold onto if it’s something more tangible than that.

years ago i was once told “i could marry you for that cup of tea!” - he didn’t, but i can still hear it now - it stuck as evidence of something someone had noticed that i had done well!

even better i guess is when we’re encouraged to notice for ourselves what we’re doing well, so we can appreciate ourselves. I often try and ask people when they’ve just done something such as lead a session “what is it you’re pleased with”. I’m frequently told that’s a good question to ask (see, instant appreciation of me too - win, win!); although sometimes people struggle to notice what they’ve done well and are pulled to notice what they could have done better, so need a little encouragement to feel ok about being pleased with themselves (back to the theme in the "you are brilliant" blog...)

So, let’s keep noticing how well people are doing, and tell them. You might just make someone’s day!

I love you

At a recent co-counselling event, I was struck by the saying that we are all loved way more than we have a picture of. And that we love people way more than we usually let on.

Today I want to let people know that I really really really love them. I don’t want to wait til the most amazing people in my life die before I start eulogising them. I want them to have a glimpse right now that they make a tangible difference in my life, that I am so glad I have met them and learned from them and had the opportunity to love and be loved by them.

But how do I do that? Buying gifts just doesn’t do it for me. Thinking to phone them can be a start. Giving them a massive hug is another... using both my arms. Or maybe I just need to say it?

I’ve been thinking how do others communicate to me that they love me? I’ve very fortunate to have had several people in my life unequivocally tell me that I am fully loved - they have told me and I have heard it. Others frequently show me their love without words but in kind gestures.

Times when I’ve felt love stongly includes when I’ve been ‘needy’ rather than useful, because I’ve been able to seperate out the feeling of being loved for who I am rather than a gratiitude for what I do for others - I was so touched by the friend turning up with a picnic of goodies when I was encamped in a hospital ward for 3 weeks; and by the numerous friends who have listened for hours whilst I have sobbed about how devastated I was by my husband leaving.

I’ve also been able to notice how loved I am when it feels like someone has ‘sacrificed’ something for me - baked a whole tray of Brownies and not had a single one herself; given me their car when they could easily have sold it; passed on a treasured possession; trusted me with a secret.

So today, I will try and give - give of myself, my time, my stuff, and see if I can begin to show just how much the people in my life mean to me.