Let it begin with me

Victorious is not a word I think I ever use. I don’t think it’s a winning situation if there’s a victor. My response to marking 75 years since VE Day is to post a video of Edwin Starr‘s “War, what is it good for “ as I worry that in a time of crisis there might be an eagerness to find something to celebrate, and the temptation to focus on partisan sacrifice rather than acknowledge every loss of life, civilian and military, from whatever nation on whatever side. I can understand a celebration of a war coming to an end (tho for many it didn't). I cannot however go along with the idea of hailing a victory, or the nationalism that can come with applauding soldiers of a winning side.

I’m aware that this will not be a populist view. And I respect that others hold
very different beliefs from my own. That respect is probably an essential
 attribute in a pacifist, otherwise we’d be fighting all the time;)

I'm reminded of the song "let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me"
and am putting energy today into thinking how I can actively bring about peace.

Here it is if you'd like to sing along :-)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=86_4BesaOVc&feature=youtu.be

Forgotten me not

Since going into lockdown (a couple of weeks before most people as my girly was not well) I have not had much time to reflect. Adjusting to a new way of working has taken a lot of energy. Who would ever have believed that I’d lead online tech training? Not me, that’s for sure. But these are strange times.
As well as the steep tech learning curve, there’s been the less unexpected response of looking for how I could apply my existing skills to help. My phone listening has come into its own and I am grateful for a local organization that were so speedy in setting me up as a telephone befriender. We all need each other more than ever before and I’m spending a hefty chunk of my day connecting - via text, messenger, and the new hot phenomenon that is zoom. I’m having to try really hard to ensure I give my eyes a bit of a screen break. In this I’ve had the revelation that my burgeoning garden can be a blessing not a curse. The incredible weather has encouraged me out into it more than ever before and instead of the weeding being a dreaded chore I am finding pleasure in being out amongst the blossom. The wilderness only appears overwhelming if I see it from that perspective and instead I’m choosing to enjoy the forget me nots as well as picking some for distribution amongst neighbours.
I think a lot of us are also exhausted by what has been termed "anticipatory grief", the emotions surrounding the insecurity of what we may still lose, on top of the people and plans we have already lost. 

Today I took out to the compost the fallen apart tulips my dad had sent. And yet even the dropped petals were beautiful. There really is still joy to be found in unlikely places. 

The fluttering tenner

Unexpected sunshine instead of the predicted continuation of the downpour that has been February, meant standing in the park suddenly became feasible. The annual giving-flowers-to-strangers day is a moveable feast, depending on when I have time to do it. I went prepared, taking a few already bloomed daffodils from my vase at home, which was good as the ones I then bought in the shop were tightly budded so less appealing.
I wasn't out long, only one person declining this year, and as usual, a fair bit of curiosity as to why I do it.

I thought I'd dropped a label that fluttered off in the wind so ran to retrieve it rather than cause litter, and would you believe it, it was actually a ten pound note. This presented a small quandry... Am I meant to go and buy a tenner's more daffodils? Give it to UNICEF (I'd posted earlier in the day about world hunger)? Would it be a bad use of police time to hand it in? Or do I just leave it for someone else to find?

This is exactly why I don't do the lottery, as winning would be way too much of a weighty dilemma as to how to distribute the windfall.

I'm sure I'll be presented with lots of opportunities to give it away :-)

2020

Do I make the cheesy reference to 2020 vision?
It's tempting, especially as I've ended the previous decade with a tricky yet delightful jigsaw given me as a Christmas present from my offspring. A happy memory of the three of us is the image of the 1000 piece puzzle, and each piece is pixellated rather than immediately obvious. The hours I've bent over it these past few days gave me time to reflect on the similarity to parenting, that it often seems unclear and hard to discern exactly what is what, but with much persistence the bigger picture emerges and there are moments of sensing achievement.
The last decade turned out a bit unexpectedly on many fronts and there have certainly been challenges, but I've met so many incredible, wonderful people on the way, so the facebook decade photo I just posted has me smiling at the start and end.

Sweet dreams

I do like a beautiful smell ( tho nothing overpowering, and I don't do perfume) so what a joy yesterday to be given a particularly lovely lush bath bomb, that when left on my pillow for a couple of hours, scented my dreams as I drifted off to sleep. I've now moved it to my t shirt drawer and think I'll keep shifting its location.
The delight has continued today... I was so pleased to see my daughter's polling card. Not only does it signal her transition to adulthood, it gives me hope that maybe a new generation of voters will want something better than our current situation. I desperately hope so.

Well-being

Each year I get to pick a "shared value" of my work team, and demonstrate throughout the year that I'm working on it. This year I've chosen "valuing our well-being" and am noting the "our" - it's not going to be all about me... But it can start with me :-)
I've found that - especially when I work a late night, but even when I don't - I'm prone to waking up in the middle of the night, mulling tasks over, planning what to do next. I'm going to try various strategies to stop doing this, beginning with firmly (but gently) telling myself "not now" and deliberately shifting my thoughts, repeatedly if they get dragged back. I'm increasing my attempts at calming yoga each night. And will look out for other strategies too. Of course I don't want to find I'm adding to my stress by piling pressure onto the first work based frets with a follow up of " I'm meant to be evidencing that I'm getting better at this"!
I think it's an important attitude and one others could consider too. Yesterday I knew that I was doing the driver behind a favour, but he didn't see it like that with his gesturing and grumbling. But if I had ploughed into the cyclists in front who were turning right, he'd have had to use even more of his day sat there, to give a witness statement etc. I tried to be generous towards him, maybe he was desperate to get to hospital to be with a dying loved one. We never know what's going on for anyone else.
When we don't prioritize our wellbeing, my experience says our bodies take it upon themselves to make us do so, and we get sick so that we have to slow down, reassess and hopefully learn. Today is one of those fabulous days when I didn't have to set an alarm, and there is nowhere I have to be at any time of today. Of course there are things that need doing... If I miss a day of laundry it starts to pile up, and I do need to plan Sunday school for tomorrow. And the leaking tap is bugging me. But mainly today I can tune into my flow and go with it. I hope you too get a day like that soon.

Knitting rainbows

My partner is a tele watching kind of person. I'm not a tele watching kind of person. But I've found a compromise - if I can knit Christmas presents (scarves, I only do straight lines) during his quiz shows then it works ok for me. If he's watching - I say watching, sometimes it's more background - a programme with a storyline I've learned it's best if I go and read upstairs as otherwise I'm unwillingly sucked into the narrative when he's not necessarily watching anyway. My aging eyes are not so good now at shifting between the screen and the knitting, so I can only knit if I'm not actually wanting to view what's on.
Today's a full on day of church (Fijian lunch after the Harvest service) then work over Manchester way, so I'm pleased to have managed lots of relaxing yesterday. Book group book in the bath, film cuddled up on the sofa in the evening, plus a lovely stint of volunteering in the morning. I do like it when I achieve balance!