pink elephants on parade

Every day, in fact every moment, changes our lives. Sometimes massively, sometimes almost imperceptibly. We generally don't know at the start of the day just how life-changing it might be. So I don't know what today holds. As I'm unusually working in Blackpool on Monday maybe I'll spend some of today on my Monday roles? Maybe, now the leak seems to have dried up, I'll work out how I can replace the bath panel. Perhaps I'll even go and buy the jar of marmite that keeps slipping my mind but first I'm leading Sunday school so best get to that.

raising my voice

Parenting had gone pretty well this week, I don't recall shouting at all. Maybe this patience malarkey is paying off after all?

I really enjoyed raising my voice last night to 'you raise me up'. I was attempting to sing a different part to usual rather than leave our lovely tenor on her own. I was pleased to feel less of a liability than a previous week when I'd made a similar move of solidarity only was asked to return to the altos as I think I was hindrance than help. Last night I got to growl the low notes with gusto.

Sometimes I guess we can sing all the wrong notes in all the wrong places. I'm glad to be part of both my choirs where there is emphasis on joy, that mistakes are seen as evidence of trying and that improvement is encouraged by listening to others. You can draw your own parallels I'm sure. I have an early train to catch, a day's cpd in Cumbria.

...
I keep forgetting I don't like pendelinos. So tired now.

it's the wrong trousers!

As I was leaving work yesterday someone commented on my new style uniform and only at that point did I realize I was wearing the wrong one.
I now feel maybe that was symptomatic of the whole day. The wrong bag meant the eggs smashed, the paper handles unable to bear the weight. The incorrect penalty letter. An email saying I've done something else wrong.
It feels wrong to be parting from my kids for a few days just when I feel i've rediscovered my parenting skills. It still feels wrong that my friend died, wrong that I can't hang out with those I'd like to hang out with. Wrong that I live in isolation when I was designed to live in community. Even spotify is all wrong.
Let's hope that today I'm wearing the right trousers.

(I would like to point out the artistic licence I've taken with today's title. Actually I wear the same trousers for each of my main jobs, it's only the top that differs, but where's the comic inspiration in a title of 'it's the wrong top'?)

can you feel it?

"Where do you know her from?" the guy I lift-share with asked me as we clambered into the car after the gig.
"I've just met her," I replied.
She'd come over and asked if I did hugs. A better response at this point might have been "Does the Pope pray?" but when you're talking to a vicar you've just met, you can't always be certain of the appropriateness of religious humour. She felt we were kindred spirits and I agreed. We had just a couple of minutes chatting after the hug, but I've now found her on facebook and I'm hoping it's the start of a beautiful friendship. Tho the actual start was perhaps in the interval when I approached to check if she wanted a brew bringing out to her as she was stuck on the raffle table rather than able to make her way into the refreshments hall. When I returned she was so grateful, I explained it's part of my strategy for supporting leadership :)

It was a day of connections really (unlike other days how?!). I thoroughly enjoyed the training I was on, looking at the dance of reciprocity and considering other terminology for things I already do a lot of :) And there was cake :D

A song in my head tho is a round that I learned at girl guides that goes "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver but the other gold." Now I'm of the view that silver and gold like everything else, are simply part of creation that we have ascribed differing value to when they're actually both beautiful (and in my view no more beautiful than say a leaf. I can see pitfalls tho in a bartering system based around leaf circulation). So to all of you reading this whether you have known me a long time or not, I'm sending love and images of vibrant-coloured autumnal leaves. Enjoy :D

....
next year im not giving up anything for lent. life is hard enough without getting these extra challenges chucked at me. today has been tough :( Just waited an hour in a queue to get through to HMRC having opened a letter saying I had a £100 penalty for not filling in a form (one I'd been told back in oct6 2013 that i didn't have to fill in). Now I've spoken to someone it does indeed appear that it was an error on their part but for that hour i wasn't very patient. It's also just so flipping lonely when I have challenges like this and don't have folk to lean on/cry with. The co-housing at the weekend was so appealing. Once the kids have left home I will be sorely tempted. The other challenges of the day like the broken eggs I'd cheerfully taken in my stride. But then a tipping point comes and that's then that. The dog isn't being very patient now. Grrrr.

FLARE

My town's a great place to live, and particularly interesting at the moment. There's beautiful carpets of crocuses in several places, and there has been filming on location in a house on my street this week for this:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3430548/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
There are signs everywhere saying "FLARE" My guess is it stands for Film Location Access Route E.... (can't think what the E might be). I'm awaiting an answer from my filming buddy.

I pprobably shouldn't have stayed up so late last night. I read all of the second half of the book so that I could get it over with and not have to pick it up again. I wept buckets. On a positive note it means I have identified where I need to keep working on what is clearly a deep and terrifying fear.

Today I have a long day of training. It looks like really interesting rather than boring training about family relationships, tho I can see there's the potential for me to feel rubbish about those times I've failed with my own kids. At the weekend I was free and indeed encouraged to cry or yawn or whatever I needed to do to let my feelings out as I listened to the information. I imagine that won't be the case today. and of course i've done tons of training on relationship stuff so am needing to go in with an open mind.

one consequence is that there's no time for any pre or post work catch ups - that's usually my time to put washing out, walk the dog, check facebook, llittle connections, that kind of thing - the important things that keep life and me ticking over. But not today, as not only am I leaving early, I'll be getting back much later than usual and then rapidly heading out to do a gig with choir. singing also helps me keep life ticking over as it should so not too bad really :)

I hope you too today have new Experiences to stretch you, yet time for those little important bits that make up life in all its fulness
B-)

spilling the beads

My current book group book, "Afterwards" by Rosamund Lupton is unbearably sad. I'm regretting starting it - I want to finish it now as I would like to find out what happens. But it is insisting I connect with the character's fears and losses when I already had plenty to be feeling and exploring without a novel's help. I guess it's all my unresolved stuff that can only be improved by looking at it - everything is an opportunity :)

Several weeks ago when sorting out the arty crafty cupboard, I collected some items that may be of interest for the girls next door. Inexplicably I've not taken it round to them yet, so it's waiting by the front door for that next step to be taken. Amongst the items is a tub of a few thousand tiny beads, Last night was not the first time it got kicked over.

As always, I wonder if there is any connection between these things - I do feel that I'm not a particularly bounded person, I frequently let my inner kaleidescope of stuff spill out - in safe spaces at appropriate times :) I think that in doing that I'm then able to keep in with folk when things get tricky as I'm able to look at what's going on for me rather than blame them. Partly this is great for me as it means I get to keep ace people in my life rather than lose them. But it's bigger than just me, I'd suggest it's not just personal it's political. I think we can often get divided off one from another when we just don't have to be, and the looking at my stuff is also an affront to racism, homophobia, classism etc. And of course I've not always succeeded in staying close to folk, I don't want you thinking I've got it all sussed when I haven't!!

Much love to you today in your endeavours to live the meaningful life you wish to lead, in whatever shapes and forms that takes :)

deep deep love

A question for me right now is, if this is the kind of world I want to live in, how can I best bring that about? It is so brilliant to have deep connection with others that has nothing to do with sex or wanting someone for yourself alone, and has everything to do with being free to be fully ourselves with one another without fear.

Think for a moment about the deepest relationships you have. The people you can be fully you with, those you share your scariest fears and ugliest doubts and they still love you and cherish you. Those who delight in you and show how they love to be with you, who are totally convinced that you make their world a better place, and that the world simply is a better place for you being in it. Those who believe in you, who want for you to be even more able to shine. And those for whom this is what yo do for them. Now imagine that you could have that with everyone you meet. For some that might be an awful prospect, but for me it's heaven.

The idea that more of us could have that really appeals. Maybe my next step is to think about becoming a teacher of this kind of counselling, so that more people have access to it? I shall keep thinking on it :)