laying burdens down

Life is feeling a lot like an endurance test at the mo, and I know that's not how it is supposed to be. So I could do with reducing the number of trials, or the impact of them. Fortunately I'm going to a Lenten labyrinth this morning so will lay down some burdens there. I was supposed to be stewarding it, but my wise minister suggested I attend just as a participant, seeing as each email I sent him gave a decreasing number of minutes I was actually available to help out.
Another option of course to stop life being such a battle is to increase the amount of fun. I will consider the possibilities.

My status on facebook yesterday was:

angry people want you to see how powerful they are

loving people want you to see how powerful You are.

I might have this as my mantra for a while.

proud

I will not be in a court in Wigan at 10am today to hear my name be read out. I'm feeling all kinds of things, one of which is regret that the first time my name is read in court it's for this, and not for something I could feel proud of - standing up for justice, causing mayhem in the act of trying to make a difference. Well, too late to change it now.

I'm due in work shortly after that time but my hope is to mark the moment by phoning people about Christian Aid week - so that I'm not letting it stop me from being who I am, something about carrying on moving forwards and living as much as possible the life I feel I should be living.

I'm sad, and still so full of cold as to be weary, but I'm mindful that part of me is still pleased with myself. I'm aware of the sayings about it being easy to love people and act kindly when it's easy. I'm conscious that it may have felt simpler to swap love for hate, to be fuelled by bitterness rather than try and keep seeking the best in those presenting the challenges.

The judge when he or she reads out our names will have no idea at all of the background or the way we have been managing this difficult time. Despite their title, I don't feel they are the ones to judge - those of us actually involved are the important judges of how we have responded. As always, I've not been perfect, but actually I can feel proud of myself. I still won't be divorced, there's more negotiating, paperwork and solicitor fees before that happens. But today is definitely a day for listening to Seize the Day songs. These two are court cases I'd have rather have been in:
http://www.seizetheday.org/music.cfm?trackID=108&albumID=8&alphabet
and
http://www.seizetheday.org/music.cfm?trackID=82&albumID=6&alphabet

and today I shall celebrate that I'm doing a reasonable job of seizing the day and living how I'd like to. I know I've shared this before but I'd forgotten just how inspiring I find it:
http://www.seizetheday.org/music.cfm?trackID=29&albumID=2&alphabet

I hope you remember today whatever it is that inspires you and you too seize the day :D

...
With hindsight it would have been better to ensure I wasn't on my own. But my fab solid friend came online so I asked her to just "be" with me for those few mins, whilst I cried and sang. Was too upset to make calls, but it worked out ok, as these things always do.

restraint

Very grumpy, but not with you dear reader :)
Written stroppy email to try and convey how grumpy I feel. Trying to resist urge to send email. Know that passing on grumpiness isn't very effective. Reciting to self "give people a bit of your heart not a piece of your mind". There was another good bit of wisdom on fb too, something about not trusting your tongue when your heart is bitter. I know my life certainly would be much better if others had kept that in mind, so I will hang fire. It's a thin line tho isn't it. If you don't let others know what you feel, then they don't know. If you only show patience, and your best attempt at kindness, then they think you're kind - wait, that's not so bad. I just don't want to be a doormat. Being assertive is fine. Letting people know how I feel is fine. Sometimes it's just counter productive tho.
I think it has helped to get down on paper, so to speak, some of my annoyances. I shall be sensible (when am I ever anything else?) and will re-read it in the cold light of day and see if it needs warming up a little. To be honest, my "complaint" letters are usually so friendly, people may not realise I'm complaining. Maybe I'm just scared of people thinking I'm not happy with them.

I'm hoping my Grandma will be discharged from hospital tomorrow. I've missed being able to ring her, even tho it's not really any longer than I would normally go without talking to her. I'm used to people having fb and being instantly contactable I guess.
I also miss my cat. And it's hooked back into my first memories of loss - I was gutted when I lost my first pet as a child. Each morning so far when the dog has jumped off my bed, I've steeled myself for the yowl and got ready to jump out and intervene, only to then remember that the dog and the cat won't fight anymore. Silver linings.
...
I've not even re-read the email, but will do when I get chance and modify it.
Off shortly to watch my girly perform in the the sound of music. Hope whatever mountains you've had to climb today, you've been giving it all the love you can give and following your dream :D

full of cold

Still feel spectacularly rubbish :( Am beginning to wonder if I'll be well enough to give blood on friday? Emotionally less wobbly tho so that's good :)
Early work start today tho as out at a group. Going back to bed for ten mins now tho, this was just getting onto my computer whilst I could!!

Cup a soup time - can't taste anything so may as well have something v easy, warm and soothing for my throat!! And the sun is shining so will then get out into it - had a v productive morning so that's good.

David, this one isn't going to make it into the book is it? ;)
I guess some days just aren't full of inspiration, some days are just full of snot...

priorities

Pesky child, wanting to create tokens of love rather than getting on with their homework. What kind of prioritising is that and who on earth could have communicated that message as to what is most important? Anyone would think life was for loving people and showing them that they mattered, rather than getting jobs done and doing as we're told...
And being more generous than me, she used WHOLE glace cherries to decorate some of them!!
;)

it's not fair

I had a massive attack of it's-not-fair-itis this morning. Foolishly I stayed up way too late last night reading, which left me too tired to cope well with the crappiness of the morning. It includes the unfairness of today's solicitor bill whereby I have to work for over 3 hours to earn enough to pay for a 6 min email. Thing is, I know that it isn't fair for anyone, so many people I know have had crappy weeks this week. There have been discussions of a footballer earning a quarter of a million each week, and there are many trying to survive on less than a dollar a day. So whatever we earn it probably doesn't feel fair. Every single one of us experiences loss, grief, doubt, it is unfair for us all.

I know materialism is not the answer but I might look up fluffy fairtrade towels. All my towels are thinner and stiffer than cardboard. And tonight I will try for a much earlier night. Hope whatever unfairness you have felt today that you've taken it in your stride and not let it deflect all that is lovely.

you are my sunshine

The days after my husband left were really really hard. I'm very lucky to have had a friend who checked in with me, day after day, for months. Asking how I was, reminding me I was loved, and that I was not on my own. Singing back my song when I'd forgotten what it sounded like. Charting my progress when it felt like I wasn't moving forwards. For me it was a very tangible act of love and commitment.

Maybe a time will come when I do the same back for them. In the meantime, knowing how it made a difference to me having that contact (some days it was the only reason I got up), I now try and do something similar for others when I sense that some regular checking in would help. I'd like to do it much more - with all of my friends in fact. But that's not possible, so I'm doing it in short bursts, one at a time. Emailing/messaging and not expecting/insisting upon a reply. Just being there, just a little contact. I won't get it right all the time but I know my attempts so far have been appreciated.

The day has already run out but I'm still hoping to have a quickie look at an unexpected gift from my Dad that arrived in the post today. Entitled "one million lovely letters" it's about the love letters a woman in adversity writes to strangers who are feeling low (I can see why my Dad thought it would be up my street!!). The blurb on the back includes "I set up One Million Lovely Letters to help other people, but it has helped me too - more than I can begin to say... I know it will be alright. We can be each other's positivity, each other's ray of sunshine. We are all connected."

I suspect you will hear more about this book once I've enjoyed it :) Meanwhile, cheesy as it may be, thankyou for the sunshine many of you have offered me and rest assured of my full-on-wattage sunrays whenever I can :D