Firth of Forth bridge

As I child I really enjoyed a visit to the Firth of Forth Bridge. I was told that as soon as the painters have got to the end they then need to recommence at the beginning, the job takes that long. I don’t know if it’s true, but the image has stayed with me. I often feel I’m doing tasks like that – I sweep the dining room floor, pause for a brief second to survey my work, and then in the blink of an eye, the dust, pet hair and crumbs start accumulating once more and the chore needs repeating. Domesticity doesn’t please me in this way as it never feels like I have achieved or finished anything… On the work front I have a to-do list broken down into manageable daily chunks so that at the end of each day I feel a sense of having completed something. But the trick for me is to not get bogged down by just ticking off the little unending tasks. I have to keep focussed on the bigger picture, the deepening of the relationships, the way my family is developing, the life that I am leading.

So maybe my last task of each day should be to step back and admire the glorious bridge in its entirety :D

Damn with praise

I’ve just enjoyed an article that I think can encourage us all to re-consider how we interact with others (and not just with children, although that is the focus of the article).

http://www.naturalchild.org/robin_grille/rewards_praise.html

It critiques the manipulative culture of praise and rewards , showing how when we are rewarded for doing something we then become less likely to do it outside of getting that reward, whereas we once perhaps did it JUST BECAUSE WE ENJOYED IT!! We can become addicted to the approval of others, and feel loss when we are not praised, and start to do things just to impress others not because we want to do it. Particularly of interest for me is how damaging it can be to praise someone’s potential with phrases such as “I know you can do it” or “you’re getting better!” as the implication is that they are not yet good enough and need to improve. It has always been important to me that my children know they are already good enough. I don’t manage it all the time by any means – I have used bribery, including emotional bribery, and I have rewarded behaviour that I want. But I did ask the other day what it is they thought they’d have to do to make me proud of them/love them more both now and in the future, and both were clear that there was nothing they would have to do, that I wouldn’t love them any more if they did or didn’t get a job/pass exams/have a partner/tidy their bedrooms etc etc.

I'm much better now at noticing when i'm wanting other people's approval and it would be fab if i could raise my children so they were less motivated by it. The article instead proposes we affirm others through appreciating them and suggests various helpful strategies such as by using I statements (I could do a lot better on this, I often say "You’re a star” when with more effort I could tell someone what it is I appreciate about them.) It can also help to encourage the other person to reflect on how they feel about it/what they are pleased with (I am good at doing this – go me!!!) or help them to notice eg you look like you enjoyed that.

I think it’s really tricky for any of us to get away from rewarding - it happens quite a bit in schools where to date I’ve managed to resist some of it – homework for housepoints is still optional , and I never insist they do it, preferring to let them do whatever project they currently are excited by (this week it has been constructing a monopoly-style board game that includes the ownership of planets and even the universe…)

Our whole culture is coated in it for us as adults too – the advertising phrase that annoys me most is “because you’re worth it”, as I want to scream – what, and the woman who walks miles each day to get clean water for her family and has no money for food let alone a hair product (if that’s what it is for?)- what, she isn’t worth it????? Why is it we are encouraged to think we “deserve” to reward ourselves? This to me is about profit-making out of attempts to fill our insecure “holes” at its most blatant. Grrrrrrrrrr.

This much I know (but frequently forget so have to remind myself)

1. I am loved. And loveable and loving. Worthy of respect, a miracle, full of potential yet not needing to do a thing to prove it. As is every other person on the planet.

2. I am doing the best I can at all times and in all situations – I can expect the best and yet not beat myself up when what I manage does not feel as good as I would have liked, as I am not perfect – but perfectly OK. And I can apply the same principle to everyone else too.

3. I can trust that nothing is going to happen, no hurt or experience, that will overcome me. Love always wins. I am a creative, intelligent, loving human being who can (with sufficient space) work things out for the best. Just like everyone else.

I predict a riot....

Reflecting on what it is I need to let go of, in readiness for some worship I’m running tomorrow, I am realising it probably isn’t what I thought it was! I think a lot of my anxiety stems from not knowing (any more?? As if I ever did!) what my future holds. I’m probably not the only one - is this why horoscopes and psychics are so popular?

My present is fine. I don’t know what is coming next, and don’t want to spoil the now with my constant worry – Where am I going? Ought I be doing things differently now to achieve a different future?

What I really want is to stay totally focussed on the present - so what would it take for me to trust that the future will be what it is and will be fine? Again, it feels like there is a balancing act between accepting and so being content with how it is; and knowing I also have it within my power to change things for the better. A friend reminded me recently of the serenity prayer – it probably comes down to that. So let me remind myself…

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."

Tantrum…

IT’S NOT FAIR!!!!!

Kids are great at getting their feelings out. That’s sometimes inconvenient/embarrassing for us parents, but I have learned a lot from my children, and the value of a good tantrum is one. I tend to call it venting as that sounds a bit more grown up, but sometimes I just need a really loud protest at how things are simply not the way I would like them to be.

I’m currently still working on ‘letting go’ of my expectations and dreams I had held for sometime. Illness, infirmity, infertility, infidelity, disability, redundancy, bereavement, or in my own case, separation… I imagine all of these things (and more) can have us feel like we are not living the life we had perhaps expected of ourselves when we were young. I grew up with the fairytale expectation that I would meet my prince, marry, have children and live happily ever after. Yet pretty much everyone I know is living their lives having to face some kind of loss. So it’s how we adjust to those losses, how we grieve them, that I guess makes our lives what they are.

Tantrums/venting/ allowing ourselves to deeply grieve, cry, shout or whatever we need to do is one way… I’m lucky to have several people with whom I can do that safely, a sympathetic friend who knows we just need to let it all out and won’t think any worse of us. I know some people who almost seem defined by their losses – and when life has been particularly tough, I guess that’s no surprise. I know other courageous people who have grieved deeply and so have dealt with a whole host of disappointments, failures or setbacks and now carry no bitterness or regret. And that is what I’m aiming for. So grieve well my friends, for whatever it is that you have lost...

Perfect Day

The song I probably play most is Perfect Day - the version I have is the 1997 Children in Need one, with various voices. I play it when I am having a great day. And I play it when I am not, as a reminder that I have the power to turn around a miserable day into a more positive one. I read the other day that we’ll all experience suffering - but that we choose if we experience misery. And I do believe that with enough love and inner resource we can, and obviously do, work through lots of hideous stuff to emerge stronger or with new insight.

Similarly, we can each decide if our day, our lives, are ‘perfect’ (or at least good enough to bring contentment). I think we can pour a lot of money and planning into trying to have a good time. I don’t know about you, but the times I find myself enjoying life most are not usually the ones that have been much anticipated, or have cost a fortune, or have required a whole lot of energy to make it happen. My perfect moments are when I catch myself at peace with myself and whoever I’m with. Swinging arms with my daughter along to Dancing Queen. Really really enjoying the food that is in front of me. Being unexpectedly complimented. Noticing the berries in the hedge. It’s all about being totally present, not sucked back into the past or worried about the future. Avoiding the “I’ll be happy when...” way of thinking that postpones our enjoyment of the here and now even if it isn’t what we were expecting, even if we want things to be different.

It is of course a balancing act - whilst I love the feeling of contentedness and that at one level all is “just right” in the world, I also don’t want to lose my sensitivity to the fact that there is much that is not right in the world, and my drive to make things better for ourselves and for others. But then again I like a challenge :D

What about you?

colouring in

Some people may say that spending over an hour creating an elephant picture was not a good use of time. To those people i may well stick my tongue out, and remind them that this is my life. I had such a sense of achievement for turning an idea into a reality (esp as i managed to use technology to do so) and was most definitely in my flow (i do love colouring).

Do you have conversations in your head that go along the lines of "I'd like to do that" "but there's so many other things i ought to do instead" "but i'm going to do this anyway, just because i want to..." I so rarely make that decision to grab the opportunity to do what i want, not what i ought.

I have been reflecting this week on how i _ought_ to be living my life. Should i be doing more paid work? I had a great discussion with a friend about it, and i honestly think that each of us have to work out what it is that's right for us as to how we spend the time we have. The contributions i've made to society this week, and the moments when i've felt especially fulfilled, have not necessarily been the times i've been doing paid work. It's been those times that i've had capacity to listen and to connect. that's what has me look in the mirror and go yes, this is how i'd like to be living my life if it was my last day. that and using felt tip pens...