1988

2018 is about to start and yet I'm immersed in 1988. I've been reading my journal from that year, wanting to get back in touch with how I felt when I was the age of my teenage offspring. It's a different style to my blog, given it had no audience, tho similarly allowed for reflection and a chance to feel less isolated. I guess I'm a big believer in the power of our own ability to work things through given space :) So there are feelings things there that interest me. Mainly it documented what I did, the lessons attended, what I wore (fluorescent pink was my favourite colour at the time). Music was key, I've written out lyrics and stuck in cuttings from smash hits, and the Pet Shop Boys seem to get a mention most days. I was not yet vegetarian and am surprised by how often I refer to McDonald's. It's interesting to see how different I am now, tho I can still identify to a certain extent with the girl I was.

It's a day for reflections isn't it. 2017 has definitely been challenging, and I'm struck today with how little I've physically sorted in the house - that often happens when I'm contending with emotional stuff. Whilst the sun is shining and I have the motivation, I'm trying to clear out things that have accumulated (dust, clutter) - it will take much more than a day, but any step forwards is a step forwards :D

Catching up

Just a small amount of work today then I am done. This means that today I have finally put up the Christmas cards. I have mixed feelings about cards, they can feel a lot of effort and like everything, if I let go of expectations and welcome the what is, it goes much better. So I can celebrate the joy they bring : here are 3 of my favourites, as I like humour and beauty and the love and tenderness evident in forehead kisses. I don't exchange cards with lots of my loved ones and that's fine. This is what works - all my interactions differ and so some people I send cards, some I hug, some I might not do anything but it's all ok.

I have also spent a considerable amount of the morning trying to photograph the underside of my bath, which was not as easy as I thought. The result I think also has a certain beauty (the fact that I think it looks like a leaking breast tells me I need a holiday) but I'm not currently seeing any humour or tenderness. One day maybe I will be able to look back and smile, cos one day I will have got it sorted...

Countdown

Working over Christmas has been rewarding and also challenging in terms of juggling parenting etc. I'm glad there's only 2more days then I get 5 days off, it will be good to have a break. My worsening cold has made sleep difficult the last couple of nights, adding to the grumpiness. I will be glad to have chance just to curl up in front of the fire and read. I don't really do much present giving or receiving at Christmas but am totally delighted with a super soft dressing gown. Spending some time in it will be ace. Hope you too are enjoying your time and gifts :-)

Ps, rewarding but challenging could possibly sum up my whole year, tho sometimes I have to focus hard to see the rewards. 2 lots of redundancy is not great even when I try to concentrate on the opening door rather than the closing one.  And as the year ends I still have water coming through the kitchen ceiling that always stops each time I get a plumber round to investigate. Pesky.

The what next

None of us know what is next. Often we plod on, assuming the next will mainly be similar to the now. When we know that the next will not be like the now, it can raise all kinds of feelings. It can also help us appreciate the now, cos we realise we won't have it for ever, so that's good :-)
I am exploring what my next might contain. Can I find funding for a hug venture? How could I think well about safeguarding implications? Or is hugging as a job not really what I want to do anyway? If not then what? Is it looking for what is out there and matching myself to it? Or shall I create something for myself? And have I ever written this many questions in the same paragraph before?

I already accidentally wrote 2018 on a cheque, maybe I'm ahead of myself. Yet how exciting to have a good ponder about what I'd like my next to look like :-)

Cable ties

As you know,my preference is to choose love not fear. So I'm trying not to be concerned by the radio show subject on Friday discussing how reliant we are on internet cables across the sea bed that cover miles so cannot be easily protected. The threat to their security isn't new, indeed cable sabotage was a technique used in world war 2. So whilst I don't want to fret, it certainly got me thinking just how dependent on communication I am for almost every aspect of my life. The dog is my only non mediated relationship, every other one uses technology to stay in touch,even my kids who I live with. Everyone else including my family, best of friends and my partner, I maintain contact with through frequent texts, emails, the internet, or calls. All of which rely on those cables. I do still see actual people in real life, but those arrangements are made of course via technology because the people in my life are spread over a considerable distance.
My job too is completely done via email and text and calls. I use those cables to pay for my food shop, to listen to music, to keep up to date with what's going on in the world. It's hard to contemplate how different my life would be without them. Just me and the dog maybe?!

Heedless of the wind and weather

Fa la la la la, la la la la.
The last couplet of deck the halls seemed most apt last night. One of my choirs had a prime spot for Lancashire sings Christmas, and our efforts were appreciated by those driving or walking past. It was however incredibly rainy tho that didn't dampen my spirits and I had a good sing and dance. Was glad to get back to a warm house tho, I can't imagine how it must be to be homeless, especially in the current weather.
A knock on effect was numerous flooded roads this morning, I turned round on more than one occasion. One road seemed impassible to me, not only could I not see the end of the flood, but both sides of the road were no longer defined, and knowing there were ditches at both edges, it seemed ludicrous to me to sail forth. So I didn't. There are times to be heedless of the weather and sing with gusto, and times to not be heedless :-)

Where is the love?

I have long liked this black eyed peas song and it was really speaking to me clearly this morning on the radio. Imagine my surprise when, once it had finished, I switched channels and it was playing there too.
Sometimes the world seems caught up in money making and war mongering. Believing that life isn't anything to do with money can sometimes seem at odds with everything when you live in a capitalist society. I need to stay connected with people who understand what's important to me and don't think I'm odd. Or wrong. Maybe today would be a good day to write cards to people like that, reduce the isolation.

Stocked up

The matrix signs on the m6 were alarming, warning of severe weather tomorrow, though the forecast seems to have been revised since so I'm less concerned now. It's cold but beautiful here, dusting of snow on the fells, frosted veins on the fallen leaves.
When I was much younger we got snowed in once and couldn't get back. Whilst I do need to be back (hopefully the vet will remove the dog's stitches on Mon) there are plenty of supplies here if we were to get blocked in. This is just one shelf...

My plan is mainly to hang out in front of the fire and I won't be on my own :-)

Little blessings

Feel more connected again now, grateful to those of you who got in touch, thankyou.
I've picked up the book again and am back at it (embracing uncertainty). I've been remembering today the wisdom of writing a list of what I like to do, and what I do each day and where the list differs adjusting accordingly. I've booked in some time off this week. And now the dog' s dressings are off he's speaking to me again and no longer has to have his paws covered for going out.

And in the spirit of counting the little blessings, here are some of the things I'm grateful for today : the way fresh bread squishes, my girly 's hours spent on her new uke, the way the dog tipped his cone up to shake out the missed toast crust, how the deliciousness increases when a mince pie is warmed, central heating, the chat with the rail replacement bus rep, the chats with my friends, toilet paper, love  ...

A time for not embracing

I know that nothing is a total waste. But it's hard to find what is redemptive about today. I have tried some of my usual tricks but they've not done it for me. Even my embracing uncertainty woman was way too cheery for me to engage with, and she can usually turn me around.
The dog isn't speaking to me. I think he holds me responsible for his pain, as following strict orders not to allow his dressings to get wet, I've been the one to put rubber mitts on his sore paws, which he's understandably not liked. He's spent the day feeling sorry for himself on the sofa whilst I've spent the bulk of the day feeling sorry for myself in my bed. Today I just can't embrace the uncertainty, I'm both grumpy and scared about it.

Diarising downtime

I've realised that for a part time worker I often feel at work and know that a smart solution will be to put slots in my diary that specify that I am not meant to be working in that evening, or afternoon. I find it really hard to read a novel at any point during the day for example (even at weekends!) because "daytime is for working!" yet I don't seem to find it problematic to have a work conference call in an evening. I can't remember the last time I did a jigsaw. Maybe I will pencil that in for Sunday afternoon. With December starting today it feels especially important to mark out some time for recharging rather than be permanently caught up in the busyness.

Writing "bath" in my diary might seem ridiculous, but it's interesting to notice how I prioritise everything else rather than safeguard my me time. I did have to clear this first, an unusual by-product of having a daughter who is friends with an art student and needed help with a project. Rather than waste the flowers I have set them all into shot glasses. Pretty.