Reassurance

I know I go on about how important my friends are - it's because they are!  This week I'm feeling particularly grateful.  It's a bit challenging adjusting to some big changes and friends have really been there for me.  With hugs, a listening ear, checking in, being available for midnight reassurances, encouragement, prayers and one has sent me a package that will enable me to have many relaxing baths.
As I said,  I'm very grateful.

Tips

Tomorrow is my penultimate CBT session, I'll miss them. Meanwhile there's still loads of things I could try going forwards. Some of the activities here look promising. I'm posting the link for my own benefit so I can come back to it when I want to try them out...
http://upliftconnect.com/5-science-handle-difficult-times/

Afloat

The past few days my car has told me it's been 30 degrees. I had a "foreign holiday" experience emerging from the air conditioning of aldi into a wall of heat, I think I've only every experienced that abroad before. I won't be sad when it ends tho, it seems to me that people are grumpier when they are over heated.

I understood a bit better today why our brains are drawn to dwell on negative things. It thinks there's more useful information in the negative, it can alert us to danger we need to avoid. So we have to work extra hard to trick our brains to refocus on the positive rather than be dragged down.

I bought myself this at the weekend. Some of my happiest childhood memories involve floating on an inflatable in water so I thought I'd try to recreate that happy feeling.

how am I going to be an optimist about this?

There is less than 2 weeks now til the end of my Blackpool job. Whilst this is still incredibly sad, I'm also beginning to look forwards to the time it is going to free up (temporarily til I get something else). I've already planned what I'm going to do with that extra time a million times over. One of those things is maybe go on retreat. It's all been so full-on it feels there's been no space to stop and reflect on how I am, what I'd like, what's next, what's now, what's good, what's not, what might be.

Every morning it feels like I'm waking up to yet another atrocity. In other countries that is how life has been for ages - the news everyday is of horror and fear and death and destruction - I'm aware it's only cos the news I hear is Eurocentric that my every morning hasn't been like that all my life.

How do we stay empathetic, how do we stay hopeful in these circumstances? I'm not sure I know. The good advice I've seen in the past is to look for the helpers - when there is horror, to keep alert for all those that despite that are doing good. So I will keep doing that, but I also understand the pull to just disengage with the world and with media, put my fingers in my ears and pretend this is not how things are.

Sun sun sun

The weather this weekend is amazing.  Instead of spending it hiding under my duvet I have been having a lovely time in the sunshine.  Yesterday a picnic and then a paddle here. 

Today there's lots of hours on my own but it's fine, I have plans.

Once this delicious rainbow salad has gone down I'm going to brave the pool. My friend has recommended this book (the muse) so I'll hopefully float and read.  Tho I also do need to spend some time removing the leaves that are collecting at the base. For someone who doesn't like the sun or my own company for too long,  I'm doing alright :-)

What a difference a day makes

Feeling in a very different place, can't thank my counsellor enough for the changes to my mindset she's encouraging. I only have 2 sessions left, will have to think how I can thank her. Of course it's much easier to problem solve with someone else on hand as they are not flooded with the emotions that block our rational thought processes.

She's given me lots of tips and now I'm actively looking forward to this weekend and indeed might not fit all the loveliness in. I have a picnic date arranged and already started to pack up a posh picnic complete with a tiny bottle of dressing for the greek salad. It's the little thoughtful things that to me matter most.

I've also begun to reframe the redundancy finally. Instead of only keenly feeling the loss, I've started to consider some of the opportunities it will create. Instead of non stop working I might be able to declare shorter working days, and so never again have to get grumpy with one of my lovelies who always seem to ask me for something when I'm in the middle of a particular work thing. Instead I could define my work hours as only when they are at school. Or I could decide that a certain day each week is a non work day, and I could go and visit my friends in Lancaster or even Luton. If my friends are one of the most important things in my life then how about I prioritise them?

So watch this space...

Touched

I know it can be hard to be around people when they are desperately sad. We often do all kinds of things, with varying degrees of usefulness. We can try to jolly people out of it, or offer the fabled cup of tea. It certainly can be helpful for someone to help us see a perspective different from the one we're stuck in, and a generously offered drink can help us when we're ready to pull our attention out of out mired state. I'm lucky to also know people with skills to assist me work through what is hard, to stay with it. And people to hold my hand. One friend did that for me today - as you know I value human touch immensely so was very grateful. In the event I was incredibly calm throughout my hour long dental appointment and was so proud of my coping techniques, focusing on the word on the lamp above me, making anagrams and thinking up words to match each letter in a variety of categories like birds, flowers, ice cream flavours. Afterwards I was much less brave but that's ok, we don't have to be strong all the time.

The dog can't bear to be around me when I'm upset, so leaves just when I need his closeness most. I don't remember that being the same with cats, I wonder why.

After a ridiculously full few weeks I have a scarily empty weekend alone. I will endeavour to take some time to catch up with myself as well as the housework (rather than busy myself with housework and so avoid catching up with myself). There's a whole seam that I now need to mend having failed to intervene when the hole was tiny. Draw your own parallels there!

Brain retrain

My CBT guide tells me that our imagination is very powerful. She's said how if we think about our favourite meal we begin to salivate. She's encouraging me to try and trick my brain into new ways of thinking. I m trying, but 43 years of repeated neural activity can be hard to challenge. The idea is tho that when I'm feeling really low, by imagining and visualising a different way of seeing myself, my body will begin to feel it as if it were real, and then it becomes real. A bit like the laughing I've written about before when I did that fabulous laughter yoga session. Fake it til you make it.
It's good stuff this cbt.

Here

I'd like to say wherever I was is my favourite place - if we truly live in the moment that would be true. And right next to the dog (which is where I am now)  is indeed lovely.  But especially lovely is a particular path near my parents. It has such a wonderful combination of delightful things - the view of the pike,  sheep,  trees,  running water,  solitude,  stones, logs,  sky. Greens, greys and blues. It's easy to feel content. Considering it is part of the pennine way I'm surprised I never see people on it.
Walking the pennine way is still the only thing on my bucket list,  tho my mum's exuberance in describing her visit to an ice hotel means I might add that too.

For the many or the few?

I have found Facebook to be a roller coaster this week, and I think I will have a break from it if there is still a conservative government inflicting torture tomorrow. Right now tho,for me,it comes into it's own. I'm not a tele person,and especially don't like watching it on my own. Facebook tonight is a great way of feeling in shared company as the future gets slowly revealed. I'm very grateful not to face it alone. Don't know that I'll manage to stay up for much of it tho having barely slept with the anxiety of it last night. My eyes are so tired, my throat sore, my heart desperate to leap with hope but it's kept in check. We will see. I'm so frustrated that the tiny minority with way way more resource than they need, control the media that instills fear into those of us who have a bit more than we need, and even those who are struggling.
If I go quiet I shall be off trying to restore myself, with fresh air and trees and my dad's cooking. No guarantees that I'll come back.

Ridiculous

I never managed to catch up with myself today. It's been a ridiculous day and I'm hoping tomorrow is less ridiculous.  And if we don't oust the Conservative government with all they have been doing and all they propose to do,  I will wonder what on earth it would take. On the bright side one of the ridiculous things about today was the size of my free toffee waffle cheesecake,  the leftovers of which will feed us for the week.

Meanwhile my boy now has a second home. I might take him again tomorrow,  the third time this week,  as he has to create a character before his next session. Last time I had a donut, tomorrow with so much cake already in my fridge I might try their toasties.

Mother myself

I need to research more into compassionate mind therapy, it sounds right up my street. Meanwhile as part of noticing I need to look after myself, I wonder what it would look like if I mothered myself (I prefer that to the phrase self soothe which is Unhelpful in my mind as I associate it with letting babies cry which we know raises their cortisol).
My mothering approach includes lots of hugs, touch, anything to increase oxytocin. Checking intake of vegetables/ fruit, water and not too much sugar. Encouraging a balance - fresh air, sleep, socialising. Trusting we know for ourselves what our bodies need. Being present, being thoughtful. Love, lots of it.

I will keep applying this to myself :-)

tech dept

Replacing the fuse in the broken kettle hasn't fixed it so I'm out of ideas now (turning it off and on again being the starting action, obviously). My boy has taken it up to his room to take it apart tho has lost interest so we'll see. I've been boiling water in a pan for a few days and it's not so bad really. In much better outcomes, I've finally realised that my computer problems can be resolved by a different mouse and so my IT dept (same boy) has provided one. No more accidentally sending things, no more frantic trying to get it to do something simple that it refuses to - now a click means a click - hurrah!
I barely slept last night so am really tired today but have used the money my Dad gave me to treat myself to get myself a much needed back massage (many knots removed and oxytocin topped up). £20 of chocolate wouldn't have been so good for my body so I chose well...