Adrenaline free

Today's dentist was so kind and patient and gentle. She also suggested we try an adrenaline-free anaesthetic, pointing out that if I was already anxious, adding adrenaline to make my heart beat even faster might not be helping. I suspect she was right cos I felt much better, tho that could be down to any of the helpful factors. I had my girly on hand; a friend had sent me a meditation; other friends sent love. I concentrated on trying to recall song lyrics. And it was ok. I'm still not looking forward to the crown. But I'm proud of taking my self care seriously. And recommend it :-)

No such thing

I was excited to remember that I'm going to a free lunch today. Of course it's said that there's no such thing, and yes someone is funding it, as a Thank You for all the unpaid work I have done in a place that is about to close. I'm hoping it will be a celebration of all we achieved there, tho marking endings is often sad too, and that's right as well.

It was beautifully done. I have eaten too much celebratory cake this week tho...

Aural healing?

It's been a good day, maybe my drum is weaving it's magic. I took it on a pastoral visit and I took it into work.  I think it has to be experienced in real life so no video, but here's a pic (albeit in artificial light, again really you need to see it for yourself).

I'm trying to eat more fruit and feel a sense of satisfaction every time I take a platter of chopped fruit up for my children.

And I had no idea that there are so many stars visible from New South Wales.

Maybe I need to play the drum to the dog to heal whatever has got to him. He went inexplicably skittish part way through the evening and is sleeping warily with his eyes open.  I've spent a good chunk of time lying alongside him.  That I think is always the best thing to do.

Ruminating

We're all making decisions about our health minute by minute. From the outset let me confess I'm no paragon of healthy virtue, just look at this amazing chocolate orange cake that I will be ploughing through this week! And I sometimes can go for days without flossing (tho have become better on this realising that a bit more effort might mean less dreaded dental visits).
Right now I'm not helping my health any by not sleeping. How much of that is my individual responsibility and how much a result of external pressures?

Last week I went on some thought provoking training on the impact of diet in pregnancy and beyond. It's taxing my thinking in terms of how we tackle what could be seen as conflicting rights. I support a woman's right to make her own decisions about what she does with her body, and this includes what she consumes, whether she drinks or smokes etc. I can see how this gets trickier when the health of another life gets factored in too. So as always I'm a believer in informed choice - if a mum knows that a cigarette, or alcohol, or lack of vitamin d, etc etc impacts on the development and growth of her baby, then she gets to weigh up what makes most sense for the both of them. Except like I raised earlier, it's not simply about choice. I might know that sleeping would be better for me than ruminating, but that hasn't helped me nod off. Telling me to go to sleep would just annoy me. Suggesting parents stop smoking can do likewise or induce guilt, which we know doesn't make us feel good. And we might need to change structures so that a mum isn't so stressed about life, money etc that she feels she needs to smoke, Or to start in the first place.

I'm so glad I'm not a dad as their control over their baby's health is more limited. They have a crucial role in the gene production, so of course their own health, diet, whether or not they smoke etc matters immensely. (And not just for the next generation. Epigenetics is awesome. My children's health isn't only affected by what I and their dad ate and did, but also my parents and grandparents!). But then control switches almost purely to mum's body and that could be hard if she chooses to terminate the pregnancy or make decisions that affect the baby's growth. I think there's more that can be done in seeing how fathers feel - cos how they feel will impact on the baby too if they are around to raise it. And yet as I write this I'm keenly aware of the shocking photos this week from America of a whole bunch of men debating maternity issues.

Ultimately none of us do things that impact on our health, or those of others, in isolation. There's so much we can keep learning about and encouraging one another in. With none of us telling anyone else what they should or shouldn't do, and instead taking time to hear how it is for each other so we can for ourselves explore why we do the things we do. Meanwhile you might want to bear in mind I'm going to be grumpy today!

Let love be real :-)

I have a new favourite hymn! Sung to the tune Londonderry Air (oh Danny boy), I think the words are fantastic - imagine if we lived in a world where we were all giving this our best shot!

Let love be real, in giving and receiving,
without the need to manage and to own;
a haven free from posing and pretending,
where every weakness may be safely known.
Give me your hand, along the desert pathway,
give me your love wherever we may go:
as God loves us, so let us love each other,
with no demands, just open hands and space to grow.

Let love be real, not grasping or confining,
that strange embrace that holds yet sets us free;
that helps us face the risk of truly living,
and makes us brave to be what we might be.
Give me your strength when all my words are weakness,
give me your love in spite of all you know:
as God loves us, so let us love each other,
with no demands, just open hands and space to grow.

Let love be real, with no manipulation,
no secret wish to harness or control;
let us accept each other's incompleteness,
and share the joy of learning to be whole.
Give me your hope through dreams and disappointments,
give me your trust when all my failings show:
as God loves us, so let us love each other,
with no demands, just open hands and space to grow.
Michael Forster
 ©Kevin Mayhew Ltd., (Publishers)

Best creations ever

I know that things will change, and I'm very aware that mother's day is really difficult for some. But right now I think mother's day is one of my favourite days of the year. It combines some of the things that cheer me most. I like to be appreciated and it feels the whole day revolves around that. I love being cooked for, and the menus for today are spectacular! I've just had some slices of bread still warm from the breadmaker - so not only has the bread been made for me, but thought was put in to work out the perfect timing - that thoughtfulness puts a big smile on my face :-)
Mothering isn't always easy but it's something I'm mainly very proud of and whilst clearly I can't take full credit for the wonderful beings that my offspring are, I'm proud of the significant part I've played in helping shape them.
Of course it's always a juggle to be in several roles at once and whilst I'm looking forward to phoning my own mum today, it will be a couple of weeks before I go and see her and will treat her. Today's focus is on me and my best creations ever :-)

Roll with it

As with many days /life general, today did not go as planned.  I was really looking forward to choir tonight,  but I'm writing this from my bed from which I darent move for fear of being sick again.  The glorious sunshine was too much for me and the resultant headache got out of hand.  I'll have to find my sunglasses as hopefully it's the start of a sunny spring.
Before I became too ill tho I had a lovely chat with someone I've not seen in ages.  We discussed the need to "roll with"  the situations we find ourselves in.
This is not where I'd choose to be right now,  and I would love to be giggling along to comic relief.  But I'm reminded of the phrase that happy people don't have the best of everything,  they make the best of everything.  It's a lonely way to finish what has been a lonely week but hopefully with the rest my body needs I can then have a weekend of company.

day of daffodils

I was determined to enjoy the spring day despite going to the dentist first thing. Unusually arriving with time in hand instead of my usual screech into a much-prayed-for close parking spot, I went to admire some daffodils first. And stroke a tree or two, to get myself grounded. It worked at first, and when I felt a bit despondent after I bought a few bunches of daffs to brighten up our office. My boss had also made both carrot cake and brownies so it was a lovely place to be today, we even had the window open as the sun shone through.

Before that tho I was in the car when there was a magnificent hailstorm. I've not checked the paintwork but it wouldn't surprise me if it caused dents. I was laughing at the sheer magnitude of it. I remember when living in Ireland, I once pulled off the road in a hailstorm as the ice pieces were like boulders. Only yesterday I was caught in another hailstorm, and immediately afterwards there was such a vivid rainbow. Sometimes things can be dark and cold and not nice to be in at all, but there's always brightness to be found after. Here's hoping I can hold onto that when I return to the dentist next week!

socket to you!

I phoned a friend tonight, and as usual we had a good laugh at one point. This time it was plugs. I've never actually stopped to think why I have a collection of 9 used sockets, or when I think I might ever get to re- use them. Unlike pretty much everything else in the house which is cluttered and disorganised, these are tidied away in a clearly labelled container and I can lay my hands on them instantly. They are a remnant of my much more organised ex husband's way of doing things. Sadly whenever I need a fuse (the other supposed occupant of this tub) there are never any in here. Just a plentiful supply of plastic plugs :)

My friend pointed out that maybe once some current EU laws are done away with in Brexit, maybe appliances will once more be sold without wired plugs and my collection will come into its own. Or maybe I should just sling them and put something else neatly stored away so I know where to find them...

Meanwhile, at least I now know _why_ I have this collection - it's served its purpose in the good chuckle it afforded to me and my friend tonight :D

What's mine to do

I've reflected this week on a phrase David LaMotte uses, of focussing on what is "mine to do". Many of us notice things that need doing. Sometimes we can be the one to do it. And sometimes we can't.
Whilst out walking the dog before work I might spot litter or dog poo that needs picking up. It might not be my "job" to do it, but sometimes I'm able to pick it up, playing my part in helping create a more pleasant environment. But if I went on to pick up every piece of litter or poo I see, I would never make it to work, to do the things that actually are mine to do. It's not that my local park is that disgusting, it's that sometimes we can get pulled away from what we're supposed to be doing, by the other calls on our attention.
I think it can be easy to be distracted from what is ours to do. Often that can be because we've not really decided what is ours to do. I'm lucky, my paid work is something I do feel is mine to do. Parenting is also what I'm meant to do. And in many beautiful and occasionally difficult ways, I'm also sure that what's mine to do involves loving whoever is in front of me, stranger or friend. I can feel the pulse of life when I'm in my element, encouraging someone, sharing, listening. This weekend has given opportunities to do that outside of work and reminded me that what's mine to do goes far beyond my employment, and also happens when I engage with an audience in a gig, or take time to chat one to one.

I love the contact that the internet affords me, but I know it can also pull me away from other things I want to be doing. I'm pleased with myself this afternoon for not logging in til now and instead reading my book group book. It's not something I would have chosen - whilst I have enjoyed other Stuart Maconie books, this one is historical/travelogue, so not usually a genre I'd go for, but I'm finding pleasure and interest in it so far. This afternoon relaxing is what was mine to do :-)

Slow down!

One of my learnings of today - just because it doesn't say on the packet how long to bake the pastry doesn't mean it takes zero minutes. So I didn't make it to choir as I simply ran out of time. There's not been quite enough of it this week. And on 3 separate occasions I've been so hasty with doors that I've cut the same finger, so I have a painful constant reminder at the moment to slow down!
Meanwhile my baby is now exactly the same height as me, looking him directly in the eyes is odd. Sometimes we just can't slow time's passage...

Lovelies

Feeling grateful for my lovelies.  My boy has just sorted my phone so I finally have Wifi on it again :-) and my girly made cupcakes for her friend coming over.  She made 24 so there's plenty leftover for me.

Rescue remedy

There were some interesting clips I saw posted for international women's day. Here's one that shows the shocking state of children's literature:
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1596694693691853&id=184413228259217
In a study of over 5000 children's books, 25 % had no female character whatsoever (less than 1% had no male character). In time magazine's top 100 children's books of all time, only 53 had speaking female characters. In many of the books that do feature females speaking, it's rare for them to have careers or dreams that don't revolve around marrying a prince.

I grew up with the notion that a prince would ride in should I need rescuing. It's a bit disappointing to realise that the only rescuer I can have is myself. But I'll keep doing what I can to build an inclusive society. Maybe then we can all rescue each other.

On getting help

I've been struggling these last few months to stay positive. Often when we struggle we need a hand, so in addition to leaning on some of my supportive lovelies, I have tried accessing additional help. I've not had success as yet with phone support, but I have signed myself up for some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Not surprisingly, given the ratio of need to availability, there is a waiting list tho I'm hopefully now over half way in my wait. Meanwhile I'm working my way through some online sessions.
What I know from my training on violence is that when anger floods our bodily system, we are no longer connected to the part of our brain that can do logical thinking. I'm wondering if the same is true of other intense emotions. In trying to read about the links between thoughts and feelings tonight, I'm noticing that it's hard to respond clearly whilst I'm feeling so overwhelmed with emotion. So whilst I know what is written makes some sense, I'm finding it hard not to interpret it with judgement attached. That if our feelings result from the way we perceive external events and "all" we need to do is change the way we think, that it is then my fault that I am depressed, because I am not thinking in a healthier way.
So right now that's not helping me feel any better about myself, but maybe when I'm in a different state of mind it will.

peaceful protest

I took this afternoon off to join the peaceful protest at the fracking site near to where I live. I didn't have enough time to cycle so took the car and passed the 9 police cars and riot vans that were parked up at the site. I felt a bit anxious as to how the afternoon might go - with such heavy policing, I was apprehensive - did it mean things were expected to kick off? Might I get caught up in something I didn't want to be part of? What would it mean if I accidently got myself arrested?

And yet I wanted to be there - I think it's outrageous that a local decision can be overruled - what does this mean for our democracy? If we simply allow that to pass without objection, what else can be brought in without public agreement. I also am not happy that fracking is going to happen - anywhere in this country, but how worrying that it is my local fields and water supply where it is bring trialled.

I had some interesting conversations. Some have been there every day since the start of January. Some of the protectors have seen the swelling of the police response - and right now it's hard for me to see how the situation will ease. I know that there have been several incidents were people have been hurt, and I could see how emotions were running high. I tried to open friendly conversation with some of the officers but they were cautious and not willing to engage - relationship building can take time, I know that. The police liaison guy I chatted at length to has a challenging role. Public reactions varied - there were many more tooted horns than I expected. And several gestures and abuse hurled from windows that I would have preferred not to have had. My next step is to contact the council to ask what is being done about the planning breaches I witnessed.

And next time I go, I shall wear more layers. Even with the sunshine, standing at the roadside for a few hours can get mighty chilly.

On valuing women's work

A friend texts me every year on international women's day. This year I replied that I wasn't really marking it, tho I was taking my wonderful young woman to look around a college, and so supporting her as she makes her next educational choices. And I was, as always, supporting women to trust that their bodies which throughout pregnancy have amazingly grown an entire human being, will continue to provide all that the baby needs for the following 6 months too.

This year's theme, "be bold for change" is about celebrating the achievement of women in various arenas and creating a better working world. I'm not today in a celebratory mood and instead of feeling bold I've actually retreated. But striving for change can be done any day of the year. Tomorrow it's my intention to get out on the front line and put my body where my thoughts are in terms of local decisions being ridden roughshod over by far removed politicians.  More on that tomorrow.

Meanwhile none of us know what it is to live like anyone else. Like any privileged group, those who are not women have a long way to go in trying to understand what it is like to live without that privilege. Today I would like to feel proud that I manage to support my family on my limited income. I know that I am proud of modeling to my children that it is good to live life meaningfully, that my goal is to bring about positive change and offer support and encouragement rather than to amass wealth. Maybe my children will have different goals such as to become rich, their goals will be theirs, but I have shown that it's possible to spend our lives doing what we think we should do, not what capitalism tells us we should do. And yet if gender parity existed, I would not have had to choose making a difference over wealth. Why should it be that the roles most frequently occupied by women - healthcare assistants, teaching assistants, nursery workers etc - vital jobs that have our communities survive - are low paid?

There is much still to do. Let's keep doing it.

lunchbox heaven

Sometimes you just have to take your joys where you can find them. I was asking in the office last week if anyone knew where I could get a tiny box so I could make miniature snack boxes of dried fruit nuts etc at a fraction of the price of ready made ones. Today I arrived at work to find a pack of 8 on my desk, a gift. Making the lunchboxes tonight (a chore I often dislike as I struggle to be imaginative with what I can find in the cupboards at the hour that I make them) brought me much pleasure. So much so that I photographed them :)


I am inordinately pleased with the end results. As you can't see inside let me tell you that now the raspberries will not get squished, the pistachios won't roll around, the cucumber slices will stay moist, the cheese perfect, and the dried apricots won't get lost amongst everything else. For tonight at least I'm celebrating this parenting win :D

Minimalist chores

I was entertained (if also a little freaked out by the inspiration for this article) by this:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2017/feb/28/good-housekeeping-institutes-chores-list-is-absurd-try-this-instead?CMP=fb_gu

Keeping the children alive (I'm not so successful with the houseplants) is about my level, and wiping lightbulbs is an occurrence I can't quite picture. Pretty much everything on the good housekeeping list wouldn't ever make my to do list and i'm more than sufficiently occupied with trying to merely clothe and feed my offspring. A couple of weeks ago I tried to deep clean the washing machine, which counterproductively has stunk ever since. So yesterday I took it apart, ridding it of yet more gunk. Yet the washes since have been worse than ever and needed redoing. So the question 'why did I bother' reverberates around my not very rested brain.
I did manage a hasty house clean yesterday, and for lent I'm trying to give away one item each day so that has potential to reduce clutter. I'm going to go and read in the bath now... if I finish my book that can be today's item I'm then done with :-)

Flickery eye

I have not had many spare moments this week, it's all felt a bit non stop. I've developed a flickery eye, a sure sign that I'm stressed and tired. So the plan this weekend is to have few plans.

There are more adjustments I need to make, I'm currently not as well organized as I could be. If I had a supermarket bingo card I'd have done well this week! I always call in at morrisons on my way home from church, but it's difficult to carry home enough to last long and sure enough, everything was promptly devoured. Monday I popped into both co-op and booths. Tuesday I got lots of things from aldi in the car on my way home from work. Wednesday I hunter gathered at lidl in my lunch break. Thursday I walk past morrisons again after group so filled my bags again there. Fri there was nothing in at all the guinea pigs could eat so yet another dash to my handy co-op. It almost sounds like the hungry caterpillar story!! 

A family of 4, plus pets, need a regular big shop I've concluded, rather than popping in to any supermarket I pass on foot. So guess what I'll be doing at some point over the weekend - a couple of hours in Tesco might not help my eye in the short term but then next week should be more manageable :-)