Lasting effects

Greenbelt is always a highlight of my year and 2016 was no exception. Lots to share with you, but not right now. My eyes are sore with tiredness (I love camping but lets face it, it's never the best sleep you've ever had).

The car isn't unpacked yet, but I have already bought the tickets for next year. It's hard to know what exactly we will need, but I want to show our commitment to the festival and stump up readies now, so I did.

I feel topped up and hopefully that will last a long while. Tomorrow tho is a repeat of the m6 to go to a wedding, might not get much blogging time then either. Good job you are all more patient than I am!

sacrificing pot noodles

It started to rain last night so we abandoned the Tetris game of trying to fit everything into the car, and are about to resume it. So I of course spent the entire night restlessly trying to figure what we can shave from the essentials list. So far the pot noodles definitely have to go, and I don't see why we need two mats to sit on.
With 5 of us camping for 5 days, we have quite a lot of stuff, even tho we already found a kind carrier for one of the tents. Next year when my boy takes a friend too, we take a minibus. Or at least two cars.

lay down my sword and shield

Gig was awesome, but like s high energy workout!
I've always liked "down by the riverside" for its pacifist message, but tonight was struck by the line "I'm going to lay down my sword and shield". Its not enough to just place to one side our means of hurting others. We also need to put down our defences, our means of protecting ourselves, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Important.

unpredictable weekend

I've just had an email from Co-op urging me to do something unpredictable this weekend like adding Spanish Chorizo to British Beef. That would indeed be unpredictable for me.
Instead I shall be doing something very predictable - August Bank holiday, going to greenbelt is What I Do. It's one of my favourite things, and even tho I didn't start going til I was 21 (unlike my children who have been there from their starts, my boy was only 3 weeks old for his first) I feel it's been an integral part of my life. There have been unhappy ones as well as brilliant ones. Incredibly wet ones - and sometimes really sunny ones. This weekend isn't looking too bad weather wise - I finally got around to purchasing waterproof trousers so hopefully that will mean they're not needed. My dearest friends are in Turkey for one last year so we will miss them greatly, but another fab friend is going who hasn't been in ages so I'll hopefully run into her. Enjoying friends and strangers is what greenbelt is about for me. Virtual connectivity is much trickier tho so I may not blog whilst I'm there. I will try and remember all that inspires me to share upon my return.
And in some ways I'm getting ahead of myself. it's only wednesday, there's work and singing before I go yet.

life on mars

You know that nanosecond on waking when you're not entirely sure about anything? I can't remember what I was dreaming about but suspect I thought I was still part of that. I'm fairly sure I didn't think I was alone on mars, tho I am still much absorbed by that tale and proud of my restraint in stopping myself from going into the early hours to finish it.
I think the heaviness I woke with was just my accumulated worries from the day before just crashing in. The serenity from the spa treatment is lingering but only vaguely and the worries are hard to uproot.
Busy day today (aren't they all?) as I'm getting sorted for greenbelt as well as working. I shall try to hold onto the joy I experienced yesterday giggling with my friend in an hour long catch up.

sketchy

The Walker museum is encouraging people to sketch sculpture./ I had a great time - I didn't do a whole anything, but everytime i saw a curve or detail I liked the look of, I simply sketched the line - so I have a piece of paper that makes no sense to anyone but me! But it was brilliant cos it had me looking at things in a different way - really looking out for what is interesting.
I came home and finished the brilliant Pastirx and then took my headache to bed for an early night. Now off to St Anne's as that's where I'm working/volunteering this morning. Kids home later - yay!!!!!!!!!!

Just seen an ace quote: "Our life is what our thoughts make it" by Marcus Aurelius

luxury loos of Liverpool

What a lovely day!
A friend bought me a treatment at lush spa - the nearest is Liverpool. I love lush but have never been to their spa, my how gorgeous it was! The toilet felt uber luxurious with an array of products to use. The treatment itself was less a massage, more being surrounded by sounds - bells, tuning forks, singing bowls.
I felt serene after.

The loveliness continued with a Moroccan lunch. Again their toilet was beautiful.
Sorry that I have no photos of the luxury loos but here are other pics :-)

goosebumps

I have no idea why I'm liking my latest book, the Martian, so much. Its not one I'd have picked, I'm reading it on my girly's recommendation. And I keep getting goosebumps. I'd like to reflect on why I'm so affected, I don't usually feel connected to astronauts. maybe it's to do with hope. I'm only a third of the way through, perhaps I'll get a clearer picture as to why it resonates, and will let you know. I've also laughed out loud many times. Result!
This blog has become a bit of a book review fest hasn't it. Kids are back in less than 48 hours and usual circumstances will resume with far less recreational time...

memory power

On my way into work this morning I discovered I could sing, practically word perfectly, all the lyrics to a song I've not heard in probably over 20 years (It was "Live it Up" by Mental as Anything). I was congratulated on my good memory, but it's a fickle beast - I might be able to recall that but I'd not remembered to cancel the milk so we currently have a surfeit.

It's been a long week. I'll be glad of a rest over the weekend.

beating the dark

Choir is currently in a nearer venue so I cycled there last night. I cycled back faster than I've ever done, trying to beat the dark, as only my back light worked. I thought my legs would object today but they haven't. Maybe I should push myself more often?
I didn't actually beat the dark in terms of the sunset. Maybe that's quite tricky. But I did get home just fine, and was pleased with myself for doing something a little out of my comfort zone.

I've worked and volunteered v hard today so need some down time now, perhaps an evening of reading. I am SOOOOOOO loving the Nadia Bolz Weber book I'm reading. I'm v excited that she will be at Greenbelt - along with Gungor they are the only 2 things I'm earmarking as must-see. I can't recommend the book enough, I just love her honesty. It's really refreshing to read about how it is possible to be Christian as well as admit that we totally get it wrong loads. "Sometimes we can't manage to choose the truth or to be good, and in those moments I just hope God comes and does that thing where something is transformed into healing anyway."

I expend a lot of energy/worry on trying to do the right thing, trying to be good. And it's useful to be reminded that actually everything's not really down to me at all.  And so I get to beat my own dark doubts, and even when I don't pull off anything like the right thing, the dark can still be beaten. Phew.

leaving treats

I drove to work today in the car I've not been in for a while and there was a CD playing that's not mine. I enjoyed it and it felt like a little treat had been left for me to find. And so I continued the joy by leaving a book for someone else to pick up (it was quickly snaffled up with delight). I've heard that in Mongolia, mums sometimes leave a bowl of expressed breastmilk in the fridge and whoever first finds it takes it as a treat (there's a very different attitude to breasmilk in Mongolia to here).

I passed someone sleeping rough in my town one morning this week, so I left a snack bar on his bag so he had something when he woke up. Maybe he didn't appreciate it, but I liked the idea of him waking to find that someone had left him a little something.

What treat could you leave for someone to happen upon?

brokenness

I've been thinking about how we are all broken. And that our brokenness can leave jagged edges that can hurt others when we are lucky enough that they get close to us anyway. But that it's still what it's all about - that much as we might want to fix other people's brokenness, so that their sharp bits don't hurt us or them, that's not our remit. We don't HAVE to stay of course, if we keep getting caught on the jags. And I think what I'm aware of more than ever is how important it is to recognise that lots of people are living with their own brokenness and that of others in their lives, so we all need a whole lot of generosity and encouragement and delight in what we all manage.

My u

gladioli are looking brilliant :)

beam

I'm not a massive Olympics fan, but it's on a lot so I've seen much more than I anticipated. I can only half watch the beam as I worry they will fall off. I used to go to gymnastics weekly as a child and the beam made me nervous then too. And my leotard was never so shiney.

Tea tonight was lovely. Another silver lining to the kids being away is that we can eat more adventurously.

Prickly /soft

I was very taken by the symbolism of this plant I saw lots of - my wildflower book tells me it's a creeping thistle. In its prime it is very purple and prickly. In order to carry on the species tho, it bursts open to reveal a very soft downy-like seed.  I can verify that it's fluffiness is as soft as it looks. I'm feeling a bit prickly today, needing to protect myself with spines leaves, wonder what process I have to go to in order to access the fluffy insides?

thanks for friends who keep on loving

This morning we had a fab hymn I've never sung before, check it out here:

http://garyhopkins.net/creative/2015/09/thanks-for-friends-who-keep-on-loving/

Keeping on loving can be so challenging. Or at least, I find it challenging at times, cos what others do impacts on us.

I wanted to treat myself to some £2 British gladioli last weekend, but couldn't carry them so have been patient ( I know, me!) and tried again This week. Not only were they now 20% extra but there were some lovely orange ones, so I'm delighted and might try out being patient again. Photo once they come out a bit more.

Morecambe/wise

I'm singing in Morecambe tonight. With the sound check at 4.30 I need to leave at 3.30 so it seems to be taking over the day. I wonder if we might get a dog walk somewhere nice beforehand.

Yes we did! This is one of my favourite walks, I've only done it once before. When being persuaded to get a dog cos we'd have family walks at the weekend, this was the walk I envisioned. And yet in the 6 years of his life this is the first time he's done it. He loved it, I'm hoping we go again soon.

what with volunteering first thing, contact with friends, then countryside, then singing, it's been a day of good things.

Love all the textures here!

Can you see the m6?

mitsakes :)

I keep making mistakes - missing my turn when driving for example. I discovered yesterday I'd mistakenly bought an extra ticket for greenbelt (so an older mistake just uncovered yesterday), but that's all sorted now. Usually it's a sign I need a holiday but I've only been back for 3 days.

My biggest mistake yesterday was watching 3 episodes of  "Stranger things". Having just said goodbye to the children for 11 days, what I needed was something to connect, something light, humorous, hopeful. Stranger things was none of these things. I'm not a TV person at the best of times but thought it would be good to watch something together rather than go off alone and read, this was what my boyfriend suggested as it had just been recommended to him by two different friends. As oft happens tho, he fell asleep leaving me to agonise my way through the disheartening themes of loss, fear, child abuse, and when i finally broke, grief at the death of a child.

And so I made a brief start on a non-fiction book by someone I'm looking forwards to hearing at greenbelt (tho I imagine she'll be popular. Should I start queuing now??)

Children there safely :) Done loads of volunteering - the helpline closes in an hour and then I'll read some more. No despairing TV for me tonight!

novelty

I never sleep brilliantly when I have an earlier start than usual. There's a wariness that the alarm won't work, so I frequently check the time. My appointment this morning is at a hospital I've never been to before so I'm leaving even earlier to allow for time to find it, park etc. I'm someone who enjoys the novel tho, so am glad it's somewhere I've never been before :-)

Even the Olympic pool has gone green! Tho they don't seem to share my resultant eco system issues. I've heard rumours of a heatwave on the way, tho will want more evidence before I refill.

I caught a bit of a weather forecast in the hospital waiting room and thought the heatwave rumours were confirmed - until I realised they were talking about Rio!

My appointment was more informative than I anticipated and they have concluded that the pending op is not needed - hurrah!

endless cake and vegetables

You know how much I like cake, but we are definitely struggling to get through it all.
Feeling grateful for the friend who checked in about my loneliness yesterday. I had Michael Jackson's "You are not alone" thread through my dreams last night, so am feeling better today.
Kids back for a couple of days then heading away for a long spell in Dorset - I've been briefed in guinea pig care. Sadly they don't eat leftover cake, just a third of their bodyweight in veg each day. that's a lot of lettuce ;)

list for self

I'm fed up of feeling lonely so am devising myself a reminder list.

Volunteer.
Immerse myself in a novel (avoid depressing themes). The one I've been waiting for is now under 7 quid so I just ordered it for myself and will use any birthday money I get to cover that treat :-)
Phone a friend
Sing

Will keep thinking and add to this list when I remember other things...

I managed to squeeze in some volunteering, and it was good to be back at work today, having lovely colleagues is ace.

odd

I know the focus of a birthday is on the one who was born that day. My monkey doesn't want to do anything different from any other day despite being proffered a range of options.  tho we will eat cake - my girly spent pretty much the whole of yesterday constructing it. I like that it is her gift to him, a day of her creativity.

I may have said before that I find my children's birthdays tricky as I inevitably remember their births and the hopes we shared for our family that haven't come to pass. This evening will be particularly odd as we are going out for a meal but without the birthday boy who will by then be celebrating with his dad. Even after all this time that still just seems wrong.
I once made a card for a single mother on the occasion of her daughter's birthday. I didn't know her daughter at all, so the card I made was for the mum congratulating her on the years of love and responsibilities since that birth.
Today whilst he plays his videogames I will do a bit of work on my computer so that tomorrow is less overwhelming. I may even hunt out another book, having finished the book group one. I need something laugh out loud tho, this was yet again one with death and divorce - I need escapist books not ones the reflect my own existence! Any suggestions for comedic books, or films, do let me know :-)

snores of a hound

I have missed this face. More so I've missed his warmth at night. I'm just starting my third novel of the holiday, want to cram in as much as I can before resuming work. a short, book group one. I'm glad he's lying next to me whilst I read.

returning

I feel only a bit miffed that the weather we have come back to is much nicer than when we were away. It will make drying the vast quantities of washing much easier, and the cleaning out of the swamp, so I'm not complaining.
I'm not back at work today so can get the house straight and do more reading. I so enjoyed the dystopian ending of the last one, will be good to continue a relaxing theme today.

Drive

Warmest day of holiday,  shame we didn't manage to get the car air conditioning fixed. I've just finished my book as we docked at Dover, I especially found the last section interesting. It's good to have a good book accompany you on holiday. now just the drive home :-)

I feel a need to do a cheese detox.  It's not very exciting being a vegetarian abroad.

Ee,  it's a long way! We left 15 and a half hours ago and are just pulling up now. I'm not even going to check the post,  that can all wait til the morrow.

Good advice

One of the best bits of advice I've ever heard was "don't make a big decision on a bad day". I think it's wise because we're better making our big decision with clarity rather than when overwhelmed with despair.  I wonder if the tenacious side of me likes it too cos it means I'm unlikely to give up on things cos on the good days everything is more possible and hopeful?

You'll know I'm not one for advice.  But I'm interested in what the best you've heard is.

Our bikes have gone back and so today,  our last of the holiday,  we're off in the car to see a town and hopefully purchase chocolate for once home.

I have chocolate. Probably no chance to blog tomorrow as we're not due home til midnight.

cacti

3am and I still could only get onto the internet by kicking my son off it (we can only have 4 devices in use at a time which turns out to be harder than I anticipated). Notwithstanding the boy who is now hopefully asleep, 3am is a lonely kind of time. When fears multiply and there is no light, or friends, to try and put things back into perspective.

I read something about how just because you've been given a cactus doesn't mean you have to sit on it, about the need for positivity not negativity.

What tips do you have for handling a cacti collection?

I'm interested by what we take our holiday snaps of,  is it the things we most like,  or that differ from the norm,  so the familiar but nonetheless well loved don't feature?  My girly has photographed lots of piled high waffles.  My boyfriend several memorials to dead men.  I tend to record scenery,  I'd like to capture my kids but they are not keen.

I keep bumping into a family from Leeds.  I'm sure they have their moments too,  but I'm envious that each time I see them they are en famile.  I'm always alone,  in the Jacuzzi,  or wandering,  or on my bike.  I wonder if they think my family is imaginary?

mosquito

I've always resonated with the saying "if you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito". Usually it inspires me to continue to make my small impact. Last night it struck a chord for different reasons and today I have more bites than I care to count, cos if I don't focus on them they don't itch as much.
Today's rain looks set in so we might postpone our cycle ride to the Netherlands. We'll see, the forecast on other days hasn't proved accurate. I'm a third of the way through my thickest book so could cheerfully stay here reading and scoffing chocolate. We stocked up in aldi yesterday - so pleased to finally locate that as its prices are for more acceptable than those in Carrefour. So we don't need to go hunter gathering. Will see what the others want to do when they surface.

I got to read, eat choc, AND then go for a 13 mile wet but joyous cycle ride. I love cycling here, almost effortless (unless on sand, obviously) as its so flat and cyclists have right of way and gorgeous cycle lanes :-)

Sahara

The clue was in the name,  but the sandy paths took us by surprise.  I found the silliness of cycling on sand really funny,  but not everyone shared my hilarity,  so I returned later in the day and found a better route to the watchtower I wanted to climb for the views.  Followed it all with a Jacuzzi and I have that pleasant feeling of tiredness that comes from plenty of exercise :-)