reclaiming?

I'm not totally sure about the time is a healer phrase, I think it just needs a (varying) amount of time for us to go through a healing process, most of us take a while to work through the feelings rather than being able to face and deal with it all instantly. And for some, we simply may not want to or be able to do the shifting that is needed for healing to take place.
I'm pleased to be noticing that in some ways I'm reclaiming parts of my life in ways I'm happy with. For a long time I wasn't keen on Saturdays and yet now my Saturdays have lots that is delightful in them. This weekend is far from over and it has already had singing, drumming, dancing, hugs with besties, eating, giving, listening - all the things I like to do! * The loft space is still undergoing transformation into a useable space, another reclamation.
And I'm also very aware that the times when things feel bleak are not wasted times. I've always liked the image of our lives being like tapestries, all the threads woven into a meaningful whole, dark as well as bright times. Those periods where we think we are failing forming the basis for the next phase. I'm grateful for those people who are there in the hard times reminding me that there is always, always hope.

*nb, I wouldn't want you having a false impression that my life is blissfully trouble free. There has also been tears, falling outs, I've accidentally snubbed someone and can't figure how to rectify it, and there has been several instances of dog vomit. But I'm choosing to focus on all that is lovely, and now have chocolate in front of the fire :-)

Quote of the day that inspires me:
"I really only love God as much as I love the person I love the least" Dorothy Day.

out with the old/mould

It's possible I might even know with 24 hours about whether redundancy is likely or not. At least within the week. So I'm converting the nervous energy into activity. This morning I gave the bathroom a long overdue clean and chucked out the mouldy bathmat even though I haven't yet bought a replacement. Living on the edge, I am!!
I'm about to go off for some circle drumming, and then there is both singing and a disco at tonight's gig. Drumming, singing and dancing all in the one day - I feel I am living life in all its fullness and I like it!!

Was rather exuberant with the maracas, hoping it will ease my shoulders. Must not overdo the disco dancing, I'm reading at church tomorrow, can't be incapacitated two weeks in a row!

yes you can!

I have had to revise how I see myself. In my mind I am naturally cautious, and imminently sensible. But I realise I'm actually less that way than I think I am. Hurrah!
A situation arose and some young people asked if they could join in and my immediate response was to say yes, of course you can. That, it turns out is my default response, and one I'm pleased with. With hindsight I realise it wasn't my decision to make, I wasn't the one responsible for the building we use. And the way things work nowadays, anything involving young people necessitates forms and consent and dbs clearance and risk assessments and rules and boundaries. I do know these things, I used to be a youth worker. But in my ideal rather than real world, my responses to everyone would always be yes, of course you can. You are welcome without limitation. You are welcome to come and be yourself in the way you need to be yourself, and I will endeavour to respond with love and delight. Problem is that in the real world we all need to get along and that isn't always easy when we have differing agendas. Some people's ways of engaging is to destroy and that takes away from others who are engaging in a more constructive way.

I'm feeling very grateful for all the opportunities and support I had when I was young. I know not everyone gets those.

It is good to see myself in a less cautious light. I shall look for more chances to put that into practice.

Gertrude

Is this storm Gertrude? I know it is something beginning with a G. She woke me at 4.30 am and I thought I'd heard the sound of the heating coming on so readied myself to get up. Thankfully before I did I checked the time and was delighted to realise I had 3 more hours of my life than I had thought. And when the alarm did go off I felt much less ready to get up. Funny. I'd spent much of the night dreaming about work - I find this happens when I work evenings as well as days. I'm determined to have a whole weekend off so that will be good.
Apparently people might notice if I go back to bed with a book so am going to have to brave the elements. The internet tells me there has been travel chaos, I hope it all calms down soon.

happiness is an inside job

Busy day. Out for work again soon too.
Today's subject title is a phrase I spotted on fb and liked.
Sorry today's blog is (currently?) so brief. My neck and shoulders are still rather painful. I hope it won't mean they refuse my blood tomorrow. Is it wrong that I'm envious of the dog, chasing his tail in a circle?!

isn't it ironic

Spent much of the night awake berating myself over my parenting. Which ironically means I'll be tired and grumpy these next couple of days. I did manage to get out of bed tho and make porridge with banana in the hope of lessening my boy's cereal sugar input.
This morning I'm leading some training which I'm quite looking forward to.

Tired now (unsurprisingly) and no reviving singing tonight, but I'm hoping there is cake at tonight's work training.

big lorry

I was driving very slowly so had plenty of time to stop (fortunately) when the big big lorry pulled out even though there clearly wasn't time for them to fit in before my arrival. I guess, being so much bigger than my car, it was no skin off their nose even if I didn't stop, I was bound to come off much worse. Still doesn't make it right tho.

I'm glad I don't drive a lorry, I would hate it. I always dreaded it when I had to drive a minibus, all that responsibility and the bigness of the vehicle. I will stick with smaller and more vulnerable.

there must be a balance!

I'm feeling completely zapped at the moment. I've been trying to cut down on my sugar and wonder if there just isn't as much in my system as usual to keep going, so today I'm having a few sips of fruit juice like I used to in a morning. And today I will try really hard to look after myself at work. I feel I need to pace myself better, I have a really busy week - tonight is my only evening in so I hope to spend it curled up reading.
We have two plants in the house at the moment and both are dead, one from overwatering, and one from not enough water. Metaphor for finding a balance anyone??

more sprinkling

We were given some cards for handing out, I still have lots left so will have fun handing those out (assuming a time comes when I can move my arms again...) Some will be easier to distribute than others. I could merrily give away millions of the "You are enough" ones, but the ones that go "why not?" I'm less sure of - what if that person was contemplating something dreadful and they see my card as a mandate to do it????

The back of the card has the website of the peeps behind it. Seems ok to me.  http://www.happinesssprinklingproject.org/

And on the seventh day...

Maybe it was the bike ride beforehand (only 12 k, didn't feel like a biggie) or maybe it was heady excitement of being part of something so fun whilst saving a sign in the air (again, didn't seem much but keeping something aloft against the wind does use certain muscles I guess). Whatever it was, last night by body demanded some time off and my head refused to be lifted. My neck simply doesn't feel strong enough to support it. It's as if something has entered and trampled round in my brain. Last night a barrage of black shapes. This morning like the neural networks were being tampered with. A sudden strong memory of walking past the windows of Woolworths in Longton, something I've not done in nearly 30 years. A sentence forming in my brain but then ending oddly.
I was supposed to be leading Sunday school but couldn't get out of bed. I've made it to the sofa now (as long as I prop my head up on my hand) but the follow up bike ride is not going to happen today. Nor is the wallpapering. Pesky.

Head much better, but achy body. Not managed much today.

happiness sprinkling

I'm very excited about today's plan. I'm joining what is billed as Europe's first happiness sprinkling, in Preston, meeting up with a bunch of yellow clad strangers in order to parade/hula hoop our way through town carrying placards with important messages such as "you are loved", "life is good" "you rock!" and "free hugs". It seems just the sort of thing I could have organised myself, only even better someone else has! According to facebook, there should be a happy crowd of us, none of whom I (yet) know - can't wait to meet them and start spreading the love!!
It's not til 1 tho, so first a bike ride to get the endorphins rising.

It was very very me and I loved every moment! We didn't parade, we stood by the roadside, generating a vast amount of car horn blazing delight. It was ace watching people reading each sign and their face breaking into a smile as the message sunk in. The signs will be heading over to Ireland next but it is hoped there will be another north west airing of them first.

Dawn chorus?

Ridiculous dreams and a bit restless after such an exhausting day, I was reluctant to spring from bed so instead opened the curtains to enjoy the light changing and watched a bird who also wasn't quite ready to sing yet. I do love this tree outside my window, especially the contrast of its bare branches against a clear sky.

Coffee and cornflakes and soon I'll be ready to unleash my contribution to the dawn chorus onto the world.
Another incredibly intense day. I'm in great need of a restorative sing tonight. But I've worked out that the pull of capitalism has got to me and now I've identified it can hopefully be released from it. If I believe that every one of us is at any moment doing our best, why would we not get paid the same irrespective of experience :)

r-e-s-t

I can't remember a day of such intensive single handed support before. I feel like I need to go and lie down in a darkened room. And yet it is also very heartening to know I do a fab job and am much in demand. Just 10 days now til I find out what is happening with 3 of my 4 jobs, I'm glad it's getting nearer. But now rest!!!!

private identities

I keep coming across that fab quote about being kind to people because we have no idea what they are currently battling.

When doing my diversity work, we used to explore what we called private or hidden identities. Lots of us have things about ourselves that we might not always be happy to share with everyone for a whole host of reasons. Sometimes because we worry how others may judge us, sometimes because we want to respect the privacy of those who hold the identities that we perhaps don't feel are ours to share. So things like being divorced, having spent time in prison, being an addict, or survivor of addiction or abuse, or having family members to which these or a whole range of other identities apply.
I was chatting with a friend recently about how we wouldn't keep a family member's broken leg secret, so why would we about depression. I very much hope that the taboo that has sometimes surrounded mental health is lifting, and so see where she is coming from and yet am also aware of the complexity. I feel much more able to be open with people about my own experiences of depression than I would feel able to talk about the identities of people in my family and how this impacts on me, as it doesn't always feel ok to share their identities that they may prefer to keep private. But where does that then leave the people who are struggling with that double whammy of coping with a difficult situation yet also not able to be open about it?? Further isolated. Not sure what the answer is...

jobs one two and three

Work, other work, parents evening,nearly forgot I now have a work call for job 3. Juggling a little bit too much. 10.30pm and I'm now done. Sometimes I can really appreciate the flexibility of my roles. sometimes being a single parent sole breadwinner holder of 4 part time jobs is just tiring. At least I didn't have to walk the dog, there is always plenty to be grateful for.

walk like an Egyptian

Hello lovely readers. I'm a bit overwhelmed that 20 or so of you read this everyday when it feels like most days I have nothing of import to share. Thank you for sticking with me nonetheless.
Today I have been mostly feeling a bit scared by imminent changes, which I know is a bit silly as everything changes. But for some reason I just don't like it. So I have been trying to remind myself that whatever happens, I will deal with those changes.
Did I ever share that one of my best holidays ever was a trip to Egypt in my year out, with a bunch of strangers. A history series on tv is reminding me of it, I keep saying "I've been there".

It was fab to look through the album I made. Sadly the diary element stops halfway through a sentence towards the end of the holiday, but I'm glad I wrote up as much as I did. I had forgotten that I actually swam in the Nile - to be fair I was thrown in so didn't have much choice. There's no way I would do now some of what I did then. During our days living on the felucca, our black tea was made with water direct from the river, despite dead sheep floating by.

Having looked last night at possible overseas holidays, we concluded this year just isn't financially certain enough. Next year's holiday is already booked, to Dufton. So maybe 2018 is the year for a foreign holiday. I still fancy an attempt to see the northern lights, tho see the risk of a holiday whose premise is an uncertain appearance.

burning calories

All of us need to be a bit more active, so we were on the Wii fit, burning 3 calories at a time. After about half an hour we had been active enough to have a chocolate digestive between us. My girly meanwhile was painting and needed me to finish the cutting in. By 11.30pm when I'd caught up the area she had done, I figured I'd done plenty of actual exercise. Here's hoping the soon doesn't stop planned getting out for more exercise today. I need to take the bags of rubble to the tip now I have a permit for them, but they are too heavy to lift so will have to persuade a helper.

In the end we didn't think there was time to do the tip on the way to the walk.  I found a pebble and my boy rightly said "you think it looks like a heart but it doesn't really". Perhaps it is a more realistic one,  with knocks.

 I've just about thawed out now!

ain't no sunshine

New song at choir, new face at choir, and return of recently new folk, as well as lots of old hands. plenty of hugs and a good sing. Meant I wasn't doing karaoke with my other choir but we can't be everywhere.

Today is frosty, I'm unsure about the proposed bike ride idea, tho maybe as the day wears on the sun will do its magic.

Nope, still little sunshine, and bigger snowflakes than I have ever seen before! So the bike ride has been put on ice:-) instead I will try and finish the book group book in front of the fire (or drive in the snow to b and q for more loft stuff. Not quite as cosy).

Yahtzee with the Muppets

My alarm woke me just in the middle of a dice game with the Muppets. Or it might have been in order to become a Muppet, I couldn't quite remember. Not sure why either yahtzee or muppets should feature, neither were part of yesterday's reality, (unlike expressing for newborns, which was also part of my dream, but also part of my daily life).
As the potential of my real day ahead started to form in my mind, I was very tempted by being a muppet instead. But here I am, ready to travel to the further flung reaches of Lancashire on a cold and icy morning. I am wearing my new thermal tights so hopefully ready for it. The bit I'm less looking forwards to is taking a laptop this afternoon (again) to be fixed. Pesky (and expensive). But then there is singing after what feels like a long gap - hurrah!

What a beautiful location for a meeting! I'd not been to Carnforth before - seems a nice place, and I love this view - will have to go again, maybe for a camping trip?

Thank you, not sorry

As you know I am a big fan of crying, the letting our tears fall whilst we get off our chests just how much we are hurting. And yet even I found myself yesterday succumbing to convention, and apologised for crying. What I really meant to say was "thank you for staying patient whilst I take time to cry and share with you my pent up emotions". Hopefully next time I will remember this. I'm now going to try and find, and read beyond the headline, the article that suggests we should say thank you instead of sorry.

http://www.boredpanda.com/stop-saying-sorry-say-thank-you-comic-yao-xiao/

Looking forward to tomorrow's cafe jaunt to Bolton le Sands for a work meeting in front of a roaring log fire, with cake :)

living underwater

The lyric du jour is the line
"not much has changed but they live underwater"

I realise I feel as if I'm living underwater, as if there is this idea that life carries on as before, only actually there is a vast difference. I guess an important first step is to acknowledge this feeling and then I can move forwards. Maybe with an oxygen tank.

trap

When I was little I remember my mum saying I was difficult to share a bed with as I was so wriggly. I'm only noticing now, 40 years later, how my body just doesn't stay still. When I'm sat watching TV or lying reading a book or trying to get to sleep or anytime at all, there is always part of me tapping or stretching or moving in some way. I wonder if it would be better for my mental health if I tried to stop it. Only I know that at the moment I'm eating like a horse and so am relying on my nervous energy to at least burn some of it off. Maybe I'm caught in a vicious cycle tho? If I was calmer maybe I'd be more content and so less likely to stuff my face??

Tonight was options evening. I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up. Tho apparently this evening was for 14 year olds, not me. My head is now full of CADs and CAMs and percentages. I still think anything is possible and always will be. Tho my opportunities for learning ballet might be dwindling...

it's all coming up daffodils

The poor earth is confused by the unseasonably mild weather we have had, and daffodils are emerging. Its all wrong.
All is not quite right in the wider world, or my own world, and I need to keep figuring what I need to change. Maybe a good bit of snow is what I need too - a chance to build creatively and lie back in it and create a snow angel.
I like that today lots of people are listening to Bowie songs in honour of him and his music.

I think I can safely conclude that if I fall asleep whilst reading my book at a loud drumming lesson, then a) the book isn't all that gripping and b) I need an early night.

driftwood

Having taken 10 bags to the tip, we went on to the beach, to blow away the cobwebs, literally. Even with my short hair, my head was picking up webs whilst sorting the loft. I enjoyed the muted greens and greys and this piece of driftwood.

Today I want to book my greenbelt tickets. I need something to look forward to.
Strangely,  yesterday I received late Christmas presents from two different, wonderful friends.  I didn't get either of them anything.  Hopefully they know I'm not really the present giving type. How ace is this message tho?

I can see clearly now

The sun is out and showing up all the dust. It's not yet time for a spring clean, but with only me here this morning, the time is right for a clear up. We are back down now to four people, and the Christmas gubbins is ready to be put away (once the loft is done, at the moment everything in there is just getting covered in dust so seems silly to add extra things in).
I'm hoping to manage a tip run with all the polystyrene and ripped up shreds of carpet.

And to take a photo of my new view!!

Diamonds

Today is the anniversary of Paul's death.
I wonder how the day will be.
I read an interesting article that encourages us to consider our weeks as diamonds, and to either enjoy the diamond or have it build other diamonds. I'm not explaining it well, here's the actual article:

http://www.upworthy.com/bad-weeks-dont-seem-so-rough-when-you-apply-this-perspective-to-life-heres-how?c=ufb1

What are your diamonds today??

What a day - again! So making myself my comfort food tea of beans on toast (heavy handed with the butter)

Shearing

Having one of those days :(

Off to finish the ceiling now, hopefully. Still grateful for the music that will make it more enjoyable :)

Ok, so maybe finish was a tad optimistic. Tomorrow I hope to take several bin liners to the tip and that will free up more floor space to reach the extremeties. I've likened the experience to shearing sheep - tho maybe that's the influence of playing Blake songs about sheep? Or maybe because the polystyrene is white. But it';s quite satisfying when the blade goes in and a good length of white comes away (rather than the more usual millimeters, accompanied by dust and cobwebs. There are a strangely copious amount of flies buzzing around the fluorescent light whilst I'm doing it. It's a bit cold and draughty up there, but not like being outside in a barn. And I guess most folk don't shear sheep up a ladder. So maybe it's not like shearing at all.

I shall now shear my own head - that will make it colder, but will look better in the morning :)

caked

Sadly the "caked" of my title isn't that I'm crammed full of chocolate log (that went a long time ago). It is that my hair, nose, every pore of my body, seems caked with grime from the stripping of the tiles. There are dead spiders and all sorts accompanying the task, and last night my girly had homework so it was just me. I was however accompanied by a CD given to me this Christmas - Blake set to music by Victor Vertunni - and I find music makes lighter work of anything. Tho I eventually had to give up and will continue after work tonight - I'm so tired. Not helped by this now being three days in a row when I've been inexplicably woken around 5 am.

full tilt

And back, at full tilt.
Tonight has more work, a nurse check, more stripping, and the taking down of the Christmas decs. I forget to go and get a pic of the view whilst it was still light enough. It's looking good tho isn't it?

Must take that 20 mins for myself... must take that 20 mins for myself... must take that 20 mins for myself...

easing back in

Back at main job tomorrow, but caught up with emails etc for other jobs today. Had to head out (to buy 15 rolls of wallpaper. That loft is much bigger than you'd think). It's been a productive day. Not sure i've had my 20 mins to myself yet (that's my new year's resolution) but I had a lovely 40 min chat with a friend yesterday so maybe I was owing already??

A hard working evening, considering it is the last of my time off. I've been stripping off polystyrene tiles from the loft ceiling, so now have vast quantities of dust up my nose. Finished for the night now so have finally cracked open the homemade damson gin, destined for Christmas day. Going carefully with it, as having added lots of tonic - I am back at work tomorrow - it tastes a lot like tizer, and would be easy to knock back like a soft drink.

too dark

I bought a metallic jigsaw for my boy for Christmas and I was pleased to start it with him last night. However, it was really really hard in artificial light. Unfortunately the thin grey light of the morning is still not strong enough to make out what is on each piece.
It never did get light enough. And we were having some fab guests over so needed the table. The straight edges pieces are in a separate bag so the starting wasn't wasted. We shall wait for more light before trying again.

Now for more reading in the bath.  My girly said "but didn't you have a bath yesterday? "

endorphins

Lots of odd dreams last night. I guess there was stuff in there about pushing through fears (sometimes in my dreams I'm challenged by architecturally impossible stairways that are very open, dangerous, and frankly terrifying ).

Just back from first bike ride of the year (quickly followed by first cream cake of the year) and those endorphins feel good! Twas me and my (reluctant) boy. Might do it again tomorrow, see who I can drag with me this time. Tho a beach walk will be just as good.

no plans/ lots of opportunities

2016 is currently pretty much a blank canvas. Very little is already arranged. I don't even yet have my tickets for greenbelt as I don't know how many to buy. But as one of the highlights of my year, that is something that is a definite (as much as anything can be a definite in an uncertain world). Other than that, there is no holiday planned, tho maybe that would be something to start thinking about to brighten today. Yes both me and my boyfriend may get new jobs this year but I realised having a holiday booked before then may be A Good Thing. There is not a single date in the diary as to when my lovelies are with me and when they will be with their dad. hopefully that can get sorted today too, as that then makes planning other things easier - this week I was asked to fill in two doodle polls as to my availability and I just don't know.
I'm back at work on the 5th and have no plans for these next few days. Whilst the kids were away they did a panto, shopping trips, lots of relatives, so mainly want to do nothing now they are back. An hour after they got back yesterday I was already alone, but the advantage of that was I was free to message a friend in need rather than just sit feeling lonely. There are opportunities when no plans are in place. But I can't help but feel adrift. So time to plan something to look forward to.

I'm glad I've already done a lot of work on my emotions, or would have found this morning even more overpowering. I was surprised at just how hard i found it to scroll through Facebook. There are often things happening to others that I find bittersweet - I can be happy for others in wishing them a happy wedding anniversary, for example, and notice the inner tinge of sadness. Today involved a whole multitude of button pressing. I am genuinely delighted that lots of people have had lots of love surrounded by love ones. And I also got to notice I have plenty of unhealed hurts when looking at the nuclear family poses, and seeing the parties of people I have been invited to in the past but not this year. I also knew I couldn't possibly be the only person who finds it hard not to compare lives and judge ourselves inferior, and so I appealed to my higher self :-)