price per jam jar

Dave Gorman's style of comedy makes me laugh and last night's comparison of liquids really made me chuckle :-) I don't know if he has featured in my blogs before - I have only recently got back into watching tv. last night had 2 different programmes I wanted to watch - am I turning into a tele addict?
So if you need a giggle, Gorman is a good bet :-)

Meanwhile I'm feeling grateful for having a uniform - if I was presenting anything else i'd have had to have considered what to wear in order to look professional enough, but I was able to just get up and throw on my uniform as usual.
...
I do like facilitating groups but it's not without need for a whole pile of skills, is it? Pretty worn out now and yet need to get back out there again in the hour to run another session.

full up

My head feels over full - like everytime something goes into my brain it is pushing something else out. My cardboard/paper bin is already full and there's still a week to go before that will be emptied. I've made a start on clearing a filing cabinet but it's not a quick win in terms of space clearing - takes to long to check each piece of paper, so I may halt with that and move onto more obvious places to clear.
My head would be a good start.

... The car was not full up, the car was very empty in terms of fuel and I was worried all the way to the garage, performing ongoing recalculations "if it ran out here would I walk to the garage or call for help?" But I made it (despite a heart stopping moment of seeing a display board outside the garage with big words of SORRY and DIESEL but thankfully the word inbetween was "only" not the "no" I imagined it to be.

My head still feels full - that I keep remembering things I've not yet done. I need to make sure I relax at some point today tho as tomorrow is very full of work, both eve and an earlier than usual start to the day with some leading.

deadlines

I was once asked what my least favourite thing was and my answer was deadlines. My approach differs greatly from my son's, who is more last minute - I hate the stress of an impending deadline so would much prefer to prepare something well in advance. So as soon as I found out I was leading something this wednesday I planned it there and then. However, i haven't planned this morning's supervision session and so spent much of the night wondering what I could do and still don't have anything sorted.
Having a once in a red moon coffee (I didn't even stay up to watch it) and it was fine.
This afternoon has seen a trip to the tip with a very full car. I never like going there, it feels like an admission of failure, the end of the line for stuff, such a waste, literally.

the back of the wardrobe

You'll perhaps know I'm not an appearance kind of person, I don't often notice what folk look like and I don't tend to trouble myself with what I'm wearing as long as I'm warm enough. I lazily tend to pull on the same jeans and fleece as that is what suits dog walking. And yet I have three wardrobes crammed with beautiful long flowing skirts (not really ideal for dog walking) and sumptuous shirts that i don't wear as they would then need hand washing. I'm going to wear a lovely bottle green silk shirt today to see if i enjoy wearing it enough to keep it.
With my girly on hand to motivate me, I filled two of those large charity bags with clothes, and a regular sized carrier bag of clothes-with-holes that are beyond sale but will make a little money for the charity shop from their rag value. There is a wardrobe now that is much emptier than before, i can see the back of it and there is no door leading to adventure. I need to see the sides of said wardrobe tho before my work there is done.

This morning I'm leading Sunday school and yesterday's throwaway comment has cut deep. It hadn't occurred to me that folk at church might be condemnatory rather than celebratory. And they might not,  but the seed of doubt has been planted. Maybe someone will suggest I'm not an appropriate role model for the children. And so I find I've moved to a more defensive place, which shows I have stuff still to work on so I can stay open to other people's views.
...
There was no stone throwing by the couple of folk I spoke to, instead a lovely hug and 2 text messages of congratulations. Phew.

somebody to love

I could quite cheerfully spend another couple of hours in bed this morning, but am singing at a wedding. I'm not massively keen on wedding singing as there is the pressure to perform perfectly, and I'm not as confident on the first song as i'd like to be. And aside from the joy, I find the hope hard, especially being such an emotional fish this week. Still, there are 4 of us going together in one car which I'm looking forward to. Its all about the people.
I could really feel the love last night. I'm so lucky to sing with lovely people :-)

I've had my first comment about "living in sin". I'm trying not to let it upset me, tho that route where I'm still bothered by people's judgments is well worn. I'm probably more annoyed at the inaccuracy of it, in my view. I don't think trying your best to love someone and working out a way forwards is a sin. There's plenty I do that sometimes takes me further from God/love (my definition of sin, if I had to have one). Sharing space with my boyfriend isn't one.

burnt biscuits

A double whammy of difficult news left me distracted and I didn't take my girly's biscuits out of the oven. She was making them for some friends who are not well, and promptly made more, she is very lovely. I hate waste tho, so ate three. And now can't sleep from the sugar rush. I expect I will finally get to sleep in time for the alarm and there will be much snooze alarm hitting come morning. So I will post this now as my chance of turning on the computer before work isn't high.
Lots of singing, two choirs then home to watch Capella singing :-)

leftovers

Today I have learned that you're not allowed to give blood within 14 days of having headlice. This is annoying, but not as annoying as the headlice themselves.

My fridge is the most full I've ever seen it, despite distributing vast amount of leftovers yesterday. No question as to what is for tea tonight. Mouthwash to work again tomorrow.

welcoming strangers

The evening seemed to be a success, hurrah!
When we met with the owner to discuss it, he asked if we would like him to shut the restaurant to others and not operate the take away, as he wanted us to be fully happy. Whilst generous on his part, this seemed such a shame for people who were hoping to enjoy an Egyptian meal, and I was concerned it might lose him repeat business if someone rang up and was turned away. We said if others came in, maybe they would join in singing happy birthday. So when two women did come along, I - of course - went for a chat, and they asked the name of the birthday boy so they could join in. I think my highlight was that they had a good evening too, chatting with some folk in our party.
I didn't really relax til we got home but I was glad to get to chat with several people, albeit briefly. Everyone that wanted to took home leftovers. I witnessed generosity on many fronts.

moving forwards

At the last minute I decided to take the day off to spend with the birthday boy. He wants a supermarket fry up after the obligatory dog walk. Today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary and I'm resisting the pull to consider how the day might have been different. It is now over five years since my husband left and my life is an alternative version of how I thought it would be, and yet is still full of many loyal loving people and joy.
We are moving towards my boyfriend moving in, at some point. Life is much more relaxing when he is here, I get to watch tele, and have had 3 family games of monopoly in the last week. When I'm the sole adult here, my evenings tend to consist of getting in from work, checking emails for my other work jobs, walking the dog, planning tea (sometimes shopping for it, depends how organised I've been), making tea, cajoling kids, clearing up, sorting everything for the next day and then collapsing in bed. I think that sharing things will be good for my mental health, if not my waist line (I seem to have an extra meal, supper, when he is here that I don't have when he is not).
So, I'm excited, but also a little afraid, as things didn't work out as planned last time I shared a house. But if my mantra is to choose love not fear, then it's time to live that :D

The soggy pompom

My boyfriend turns 50 tomorrow and whilst I'm excited about giving him my carefully arranged pressie, I'm belatedly remembering how I don't like organising events. Despite organising my own 40th, he is of the view that you don't organise your own party, but as I don't have contact with everyone invited, it has felt a bit out of control, people I thought were definites turning out to be maybes who now aren't coming despite it now already paying for. I think I just worry at the responsibility for everyone's enjoyment, but I'm encouraged by the restaurant owner's dedication, he wants it to be "the best night of our lives".
It's good that I've noticed this pattern that I fall into, taking responsibility for how others feel, when it isn't down to me really. Maybe one day I'll crack that?
Meanwhile, a week ago a pompom appeared on the garden wall, presumably lost and awaiting someone to see it and take it home. Following last night's torrential rain, it looked very forlorn indeed. I'm not sure how best to comfort a soggy lost pompom.

what are you pleased with that you did?

I've probably blogged on this question before, it is what I ask anyone who has just taken any leadership on anything. It is what I asked the brand new trainee preacher yesterday, having just led his first ever service. And it is what I need to ask myself too. So on Friday i was pleased that I took the opportunity to have us push out of our comfort zone, people willingly learned the unaccompanied two part harmony, in Latin. I'm pleased we stayed focussed on the task - to enjoy being together whilst singing - despite the shortness of time. Saturday's auction of promises I was pleased that I kept checking in with those who were making it happen in their various roles. We raised around £1000 and people enjoyed themselves, so I think we can count that a success too. I was disappointed that no one wanted to bid on my encouragement session, I think I should have given a more concrete example in my explanation, but bless her, my friend who came along at the last minute, she bid on it rather than see me spurned. So even tho she gets that kind of attention from me regularly anyway, we will now arrange a particular session on it. I am grateful.
Hectic morning, two things back to back, fortunately not too far away from each other. Today I am pleased with myself for throwing out insurance documents dating from even before I was in this house. No wonder my filing cabinet is overfull.

slow and steady

Busy day. Been thinking about changes. My girly is proposing a multi million pound (well maybe I exaggerate) makeover of the loft into a teenage den. I have put into the recycling the old social justice magazines in the bathroom that I picked up at Greenbelt maybe 4 or so years ago. And emptied a bag of exercise books from my boy's last year at primary school - carefully removing first all the useable sheets of paper. Rome wasn't built in a day, these small steps hopefully add up.

a long way up

Today we are going to Southport air show. I'm not really a fan of plane displays - the pacifist environmentalist in me means they don't hold much appeal, but it is unusual to have a Saturday free for a family day and will be good to create memories. Watching planes evokes the same anxiety in me as watching ice skaters . I feel on edge , worried that it will go wrong . There's a possibility of trying catch up with someone I rarely see, but I will be reluctant to leave the kids in a different place to go and see them.
And then tonight is our promises auction, and I'm worried about that too. Will enough people come, will it work out, will anyone get offended if there is little bidding for what they offer.
Fear has done some winning out this week. Here's hoping I decide not to worry and enjoy everything instead. I must have slept funny, all the cogitating I was doing, and my neck is not right, which will good-looking up at planes tricky.

It took over 4 hours to get there, compared to the 40 mins coming back as we left early to avoid the rush. I now feel incredibly tired.

A long way down

Yesterday improved as the day progressed, culminating, genuinely, in a film about suicide. I'd recommend it, warm hearted rather than heavy, showing the power of connection that can enable us to see things from a different perspective.
Today has a lot in it, including what I'm seeing as my first attempt to properly lead our church choir practice tonight following that inspiring session what now feels a long time ago. This will be followed by a dash to my usual Friday choir, I'm glad to have double singing as I really missed not signing on wednesday.

putting the lid back on

I've just left a note on the bathroom windowsill requesting that everyone replaces the lid on the toothpaste tube as otherwise it dries out and I'm left trying to deal with the unusable mess whilst they move on to a fresh tube. I feel I've had my own lid off for a while too and thus am not remaining in tip top condition. I'm out of balance in terms of being there for others and maybe exposing myself too much without a protective cover. I understand the importance of vulnerability, but if it makes us useless rather than useable, that's no good.
Yesterday was non stop, working day and eve. Today I will make time to stop, will be in charge of when I'm open to the elements and when I choose a seal, and will remember to replace my lid.

I had a lunch break today so that was good. I can't quite see how I will be able to work twice as hard as I currently work, if I lose all my tax credits (not sure how/when I find out if I lose them all).

mercy mercy

We spent a considerable amount of time over the weekend learning a new song, with a dance to go with it :) This means I spent much of last night with the song in my head...
I guess it's no bad thing to have circling my head and body, remembering to be merciful is no small thing.

As someone who cries all the time, I knew this already, but always nice to be backed up:
http://www.powerofpositivity.com/why-crying-a-lot-means-youre-mentally-tough/

Today I'm mainly feeling grateful to the lovely friend who got in touch with me yesterday sensing from my blogs that things were tough. Never underestimate the power of kindness :) I've not exactly done any work yet today, but have done other important things and am working a couple of eves this week so it will all balance out...

meringue and merengue

The choir weekend away was so near that I didn't stay away, but came home in between the two days. The food was plentiful, including lemon meringue and the sessions fantastic. This morning I had a totally brilliant time Brazilian drumming, learning a merengue. I have had various amazing experiences of drumming, one of my best weekends ever was a whole weekend of it in Ireland. So I was very much looking forward to today, and had an even better time than I anticipated. At one point I had a low sounding drum that really resonated with me, and I had such a joyous time everytime I have it a big bash. One of the things about drumming a pattern that makes it so delightful is the short silences and changes between the repetitive beats, and the sound when we resumed the pattern was incredible. Apparently my beaming was very evident. I suspect there's something about being present that is essential for keeping in time and concentrating on the upcoming changes. You can't simultaneously be worrying about a situation or planning your next meal. That being present results in lots of oxytocin :-) there's a couple of v short clips on the one voice community choir Facebook page :-)
I've been told there is a drop in session every Saturday in Preston. When I last was encouraged to join a samba band I explained I have no capacity to take on any new commitments. But a drop in session? How ace will it be to get that amount of joy whenever I can :-)

left

Good news about Jeremy Corbyn become leader of the labour party. Apparently he had rebelled against his party over 500 times. His first act as leader was to join the demo in London supporting refugees. There is much to feel hopeful about - at a national level even if right now not so much at a personal one.

the miracle of the perfectly placed poo bag

Today has been poo. As I can't blog about that, I will instead share about the miracle of the poo bag. I realise reading about dog poo is beyond the call of duty as a friend/blog reader, so if you'd rather not, just skip to Friday.
I was looking forward to my dog walk across the wilderness next to drumming as it's been a couple of months since the hound and I last did it. I grabbed a couple of extra poo bags and stuffed them in my coat pocket. There was then a frantic (and failed) hunt for the drumming music book (as I say, it's been a couple of months). Part way there, I realise that my coat was still hanging up at home. Now as it was one of those glorious autumn evenings, the lack of coat wasn't an issue temperature wise, but as I checked every pocket in my jeans and cardigan, and bag, it meant that I didn't have any poo bags. I turfed the boy out for his lesson and checked the many nooks and crannies of the car, uncovering a charity donation bag encased in a small bag that would suffice if desperate. A check of the usually empty boot revealed a summer coat I'd thrown in at the weekend and not only was there a poo bag, but also a disposable glove - hurrah. This was not the miracle.
So we walked and I'll spare you the details but good use was made of not just the bag but I was very grateful, given the dog diarroea, of the glove too. And just when I was wondering if we'd manage the return walk I espied a pristine poo bag fluttering along the path - presumably not long since fallen out of a walker's pocket. Not one of the thin 12p for a hundred bags that I buy, but a substantial sack that served us well for the walk back to the car.
I don't know if it would make a Book of Faith, but for me, in a disappointing day, it showed that if we keep our eyes open, hope is still to be found.

uncontrolled

My bloodshot eyes reveal that I once again stayed up too late reading my un-put-downable book :)

There are gas pipe replacements occurring on my adjoining street so whenever I drive from home I have to enter, part way through, a traffic light controlled single carriage. Drivers at each end are notified that we are not controlled and so far it has been ok. I quite like being uncontrolled, tho I am, of course, very sensible. As always.
My super sensitive nose was working overtime yesterday. Entering the reception cabin at the zoo I was assailed by some combination of presumably ink and paper that transported me right back to the primary school my mum taught at. I've been in many a school since but this was a particular aroma that bizarrely conjoured up simple reading words in a specific font that I could almost taste. Only occasionally do i get an synasthaesic reaction to smells, but it does happen. Then at choir practice we were in one of the chambers and just outside I breathed in a heady scent of old wood and was reminded of furniture at my granddads house in Leeds. Both these memories are from my childhood and I'm always stunned by just how evocative scent can be.

you can come too too too

Today I'm going to the zoo. It would appear that I won't actually get to see any animals, or even fresh air, as I think I will be spending the entire working day in their conference rooms, but it is nonetheless a change of scene and I'm looking forward to it. Its entirely possible I overdid the singing to my colleagues yesterday of "we're all going to the zoo tomorrow" and in fact it is just myself and a new colleague whom I'm looking forward to getting to know better given a day in close proximity. I realise that I sometimes sing "we can play all day" when I think it's actually stay all day. I think I'm in a playful mood.

I was very sensible last night and didn't even open my book, I was already tired and knew I would get pulled in. I had a fab call with an old friend. We have known each other 22 years, which is more of our lives than we haven't known each other. We will plan a get together to celebrate :D

amazed

Sometimes I'm amazed at how we all manage to function. When I think about just the small subsection of society that I know, and have a limited sense of some of the stuff that they are currently trying to deal with, I'm aware that the people I don't know so well will also have a similar amount of situations/feelings that they are juggling. That people are up against all sorts of rough deals, scary prospects, and are getting by on not enough sleep or TLC. And yet despite this, people are still in the main kind to one another, and children are still taken to school and work gets done and even though we fall apart at times, we still live full and meaningful lives.

So, for all the stuff you're managing that I and others don't know about, well done - you're amazing.

I stayed up too late as I got into the Dan Brown book I'm reading at the moment about the power of the mind in changing things - fun stuff :D

I wanted to share with you just how brilliant the flowers are on the field where I mainly walk the dog - how lucky are we?

Malala

I finished Malala's autobiography yesterday and have felt emotional ever since. The world isn't like I'd like it to be. Fortunately I have a counselling session this morning so will get to look at my sense of frustration and despair.
Still plenty to work on. Meanwhile I seem to have got a cleaning bug. Not a sickness from my lack of cleaning, but an urge to get the house much cleaner. So the base of my kitchen bin is currently soaking and I'm removing sand from the cracks in my windowsill.

begins at home

Yesterday turned into a charitable day all round. I sorted the donation easily, thanks to my friend, and also finally got round to packaging up the bras for "Smalls for all". I was a bit embarrassed by the reaction I got on facebook to my delight at getting the water back and saying how I'd be sending the compensation to Water Aid - several folk I have spoken with had already shared similar thoughts so I hadn't realised it would be seen as revolutionary.
I took the printing to my nearest charity shop to photocopy so they would make the profit, and the person who did it for me was so taken by the idea of the charity auction of promises, she's asked me to go back to sell her a ticket so she can come :)
And I added to the charity shop bag by having a massive clear out, particularly in the kitchen. We've opted to have a party at a restaurant for my boyfriend's 50th, whereas I'd initially thought of having it at my house. So whilst I no longer _need_ to clear the house in the same way, I still had a decluttering urge so made the most of that. I was overcome with shame at one point as to just how bad it is, but we have made progress, having someone supporting me in doing it was brilliant.
And as the day ended I practiced my reading for church this morning. I don't know if it is the set text and the churches up and down the country will get to reflect on how faith without action is meaningless. That would be fab if church attendees everywhere are called today  to be treating the poor well. And yet I'm also happy if it turns out to be a reading selected specifically by our new minister for his first service with us, as that augers well. Either way is a win :-)

Our lovely new minister is full of joy. I'm full of Sunday lunch and cake :-)

tide turning?

I have so many emotions over the photos of Aylan, the toddler who drowned fleeing Syria, shown many times over in my facebook feed yesterday. This includes an unwillingness to really examine how heartbreaking the loss is, a fury and despair at the situation our world is in, and a conflicted hope that a single photo seems to have galvanised what to me appears a change of heart - that the vast amount of anti immigrant diatribe seems to have softened into compassion rather than fear. The words migrants and refugees seem to be being used interchangeably and things just feel, to me at least, a bit different.
As you may be aware, I've never been one for borders, nationalities, walls and rules. I don't see how an accident of geography should determine our outcome, if our birthplace is 100 metres, 100 km or a different continent from one another. We are all equal, why should some line on a piece of paper mean we treat anyone any differently from anyone else? The sense of entitlement, and protectionism of that annoys me intensely. And so I'm in what is often seen to be a minority of folk who believe everyone should be free to roam and live in whatever part of the world they choose, that there should be no numerical limits or restrictions on who goes where.

I wanted to use my birthday money to buy something from the Amazon wishlist for people in Calais but it had already closed due to an overwhelming response, so that is good. Means I need to pick an alternative charity, so that will be one task today. Another is to find somewhere to print my programmes for our talent auction. And there are rumours that our water ban will be lifted today. No prizes for guessing what I shall be doing with my compensation when it comes.

big school

Back to work for me, and off to high school for my littlest.
I would recommend the Egyptian restaurant, tho next time I will ask if they can make things less spicy for me and kids. My starter seemed to contain more garlic than I would usually consume in a year, I shall have to take mouth wash with me to work, and maybe even choir, church on sunday etc etc!!
I didn't sleep very well at all. But I'm sure he'll be fine :)

the magic number?

I don't know if now I've turned 42 I will understand life, the universe and everything, but for a long while now I have concluded the answer is love.
Five years ago one of my best friends nearly couldn't make my birthday celebration as he got something in his eye, but it was removed just in time. In five years time I wonder what my life might be like, maybe my girly will be just about to leave home? And still there will be love, love, love.
Right now I'm in bed, waiting for my birthday tea in bed before I can get up. Its looking like we might need to shop for school shoes (bad planning). But later the intention is to eat out at an Egyptian restaurant we have never been to but looks great. One of my best holidays ever was in Egypt, tho I don't recall what I ate.
Thank you for all you do any day of my life to show me that you are glad I was born. It's a great thing to do :-)

It's taken me an hour and a half to reply to everyone who has sent a fb message so far! Now for a lovely bubble bath before braving the school shoe shopping. Here is the two-day-in-the-making cake. I have an awesome daughter, who is not only uber talented but remembered how much I love ginger kitttens - it's my fallback thing to think of when I need cheering :)

gazillions

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, what I'd like to do today is curl up with the dog and my book. Yet I have gazillions of emails to delete. And those tents are not going to dry until they are unfurled. Furthermore we're not exactly ready for school yet. I'm so glad I was encouraged by our lovely admin lady to take today off. Not quite sure how I'd have managed otherwise!

One tent is now dry, if not yet packed away. The other has a lot more material than I seem to have space in my back garden! Neither child is dressed yet and we still need to get to the uniform shop...

They think it's all over

Lots of people left early on the Monday.  Our friends had to catch a plane back to Istanbul ready for school starting today.  I'm not sure why so many others left,  I suspect the rain deterred many from staying.  Which is such a shame,  as the day was absolutely brilliant.  I got to sing,  dance,  hang out with friends,  hug,  dance some more. I think there is a message about not giving up,  the best is yet to come.  And of course,  the best is right now :-D
And in some ways, it is over now. Getting off the muddy carpark successfully seemed to mark the end. Only for me, greenbelt is a state of mind rather than an event, and so will last well beyond the time and space of the festival itself. I didn't get to a single talk this year. I did catch some comedy unexpectedly, and listened to some powerful stories, and stayed for all 4 poets at one session, one of which moved me to tears. I listened to music new and old. But mainly I revelled in the people who make Greenbelt what it is. The stranger who held my place in the queue for the wee sing in a wee tent when I really needed a wee. The joy of introducing friends who live near to those I used to lodge with who first brought me to greenbelt.
I need a shower, wish there was drinkable water, and am not relishing getting all the tent stuff out to dry off, But I am almost deliriously happy :-)