is anything impossible for God?

Sometimes things feel really impossible. I took a lot of burdens to church with me this morning. I hopefully laid a few down. The minister, fab as always, spoke of how the holy spirit is about coming alongside as comforter, counsellor. Works for me.
With lots going on, my focus needs to be encouraging my girly to get her homework completed this last day of her holiday. Her brother still has a couple more days to go which is handy as the chicken wire still needs cutting for his project.

wobbly legs

I feel, physically and emotionally, as if I've just emerged, defeated, from a boxing match. Only that's a silly metaphor as I've never done boxing and never will. I can't think of any better one tho. So, if I run with it for now, what do boxers need post match? If I have any critical remarks on where I could have done better I think I'll fold completely. But I never wanted to be a boxer anyway remember? Maybe that's what I need then, my cheering team to remind me I am fab at what I do and that boxing isn't for me. That I choose not to throw punches cos I don't believe in them.
And have a good breakfast to help my wobbly legs.
I hope we practice ' ooh child' today. Not sure I have the energy for 'anthem of praise' mind you.

from the duvet

Duvet day going pretty well so far in that its lunchtime and I've not really moved. The blurb on the back of the book reads 'her darkest work, equally convincing in its evocation of the icy, unendurable landscape without, and the chilling interior landscapes of damaged souls'. So I've not really made much headway with that and instead snoozed to have nightmares about a hit man hiding my daughter in the biggest musical instrument case imaginable. My head hurts from the unusual napping by day so I really should stop hiding and go and get some fresh air. Not just yet tho. I'm building up my reserves for this time next week when I'll be just getting to the choir destination, only we are not then back til 1am.
I think the transition to my new phone has worked ok but it doesn't yet feel right. I've managed to install Skype on my tablet too so maybe I'm not as incompetent as I think?

Headache developed into full blown tension headache with vomiting so I've barely moved anywhere all day. Can't help but feel its a waste of a day. Good job kids are old enough to fend for themselves.

And it turns out there is no escape - even under a duvet with a splitting headache the world can shout. The next duvet day I plan will involve a remote spot with no internet or mobile signal. Good job there is singing all day tomorrow.

unexplained daisies

On my purposefully-not-too-long list of things to do now I have a few days off, there is mowing the lawn. I'm a bit reluctant tho, as there is a patch of daisies in a circle. No daisies bedeck the rest of the grass, it's green throughout except for this one intense outcrop. There's probably an explanation but I'm happy to just marvel.
My head has been fuller than full these last few days. I still have reports to write (how come holidays always seem to fall at the end of a month?) but the plan is definitely to get some duvet time. No working things out, no trying to be very responsible or attempting to explain the unexplainable. I'm hoping whatever the book group book is, that its a good one.

Its been a stressful evening, i'm still in the process of transferring over to my new phone. I think I've managed a clever computer based thing of switching all my contacts and text messages over, but there wasn't enough memory for my 5000 photos (most of which are of the dog or dufton, several of the dog in Dufton!!) So I think I've managed to get those onto my computer. Technology not being my most highly skilled aspect, I guess we'll see what happens when my old phone is no longer networked. I don't feel as competent or confident as if like. I'm not a massive fan of change and there's just so much of it about. Hiding under the duvet is still mega appealing but I forgot that's tricky whilst there's a bunch of teens sleeping over. Still, hopefully there will be a lie in.

overdone

Thinking about it, trying to cram my usual 5 days of work into two and a half days was asking for trouble. Especially as the other things don't stop just because the kids aren't here, the dog still needs walking, the washing machine needs refilling on a regular basis etc.
Maybe i'll just claim some holiday hours after all this week. I'm looking forwards to a restful weekend!!

go west

Life is peaceful there (go west) in the open air...

My favourite band as a teen was the pet shop boys. I've not listened to them in ages but picking up the dog yesterday, 'go west' came onto the radio. Having just spent such lovely time in the open air it seemed very apt. To be honest, camping as a single parent is never really peaceful but I got a lot of help and so I did find quite a bit of peace.

I will need to purchase more laundry liquid today given the resultant amount of washing. I have a long list of things to do which is probably good as I'm feeling really lonely on my own. Work is likely to be busy tho after the bank holiday so I'd best get going. From here I wouldn't head west anyway, I'd head north, but I hope it's not too long til we go off again for some fresh air.

oh no it isn't!

The theme of the camp is pantomime. Tonight we were given an hour in small groups to rehearse a variation on a well known panto. I have been out of my comfort zone several times this holiday.  I also fear I will be returning home in need of a rest!! Tho if the adage is true then I certainly have had lots of changes,  I don't usually go caving on a Sunday morning.  My helmet light didn't work so I did the route mainly by feel. It has all been very exhilarating.  Especially the shower which didn't have any warm water in it whatsoever.
And it turned out sunny so I can't complain at all B-)

... v sad when I dropped the kids off. I hate the contrast going from community, looking out for one another, communal eating, laughter and conversation, to just me myself and I. V grateful for the dog.

wet wet wet

Yesterday was glorious,  we were lucky with he sunshine.  Today is wet.  I think I just need to resign myself to the inevitable that having got wet going over to the loo, I am not going to be dry again to much later.  With caving, canoeing and raft making anyway,  I think I shall just look forward to a shower later and b then start dry again at that point.  I wonder if everyone will have that same plan tho?!
My wellies are sat by the front door at home.  The kids wellies ate sat OUTSIDE the front door / tent flap.  So all of us will have wet feet today
 I hope it is still tons of fun...

so much better than expected

I am having a much better time than anticipated!!  Yesterday I moaned to a work colleague that's I'd rather spend the weekend in bed rather than in a cold wet field with a bunch of strangers.  Her response was that I'm good with strange people!  And it turns out that whilst we are all a bit strange,  lots of folk here are not stranger s to me. That's what happens when you build community. It also is far more of an organised event than I anticipated,  so after the ice breaker games and veggie hotdogs we played a wide game and then big group games in the marquee.
After flag break shortly,  I know our first activity of the day is an assault course. Both my shoes and walking boots leak and I've managed to leave my wellies behind,  but so far I'm having a brilliant weekend.  Hope you are too!  Xx

Internet access hard to come by.  Still having an amazing time.  So far been stretched by archery,  assault course,  climbing wall - that was scary, and abseiling, - that was scarier,  well the letting go of the rail at t he top, after that it was plain sailing. Speaking of which, I think it is raft buildings tomorrow. I have a pic of an awesome outdoor chapel that i really really like - will upload that when I get home. Sad not to be singing with my usual chums last night and tonight,  but I'm not too sad cos tonight there is singing round the campfire.  I'm feeling v lucky indeed right now.

hot air

My understanding is that a layer of air can help insulate a sleeping body, stopping the cold from the ground seeping into our bones. In order for the air to stay put tho, a stopper is needed in the air bed. Currently we have an air bed but no stopper. Still this is an improvement on the situation yesterday evening when I was turning the contents of the garage upside down, failing to locate various essentials. A grumpy low point was reached when I declared I wasn't going without finding the cooker as I could not survive for 3 days without a cup of tea.
Shortly afterwards, the cooker, kettle, cutlery etc was located in the loft. Hurrah!
I don't yet feel geared up for the camping season - can you tell?

I can't even spell canoeing. (can now!) I'm a tad apprehensive about going on this weekend. Whilst there is the potential for lots of fun - there's abseiling and rock climbing and canoeing and all sorts, I'm also aware that what I'd really like is 3 days snuggled up under a duvet in a centrally heated house nursing my throat back to full health. I have stuffed my suitcase full of layers. I will cram as many duvets as will fit into the car. I will try and dig deep into my attitude to find one that is optimistic rather than the current grumpy reluctance.

early night

My guest is leaving today and whilst I'm sad he's going, I'll be glad to get back to my regular bed time. I've fallen asleep on the settee the last two nights. Tonight tho, we need to have an extra early bedtime. My boy has at the last minute decided he doesn't want to be the only one in his class not going on the school trip to London, so I have to get him to Preston station for 6.30am tomorrow. Picking him up 12 hours later en route to camping. it's a bit of a squeeze but I'm pleased he's not missing out.
Today's challenge amongst work/sports day/everything else that has to happen, is to locate a hot water bottle. My heating is set to come on if it's colder than 12 degrees and has been on these last few mornings. There's not radiators in the tent...

goal!

With a determined pace, I was able to do the loop during my boy's drumming lesson. No need to run, hurrah!

I need to celebrate such successes. The cover that I purchased so that my guests no longer get wet bottoms when sitting on my outdoor chairs - it will not stay put, despite strategic use of bricks etc.

It also occurs to me that a family cannot live on a phone alone and that I'd best start thinking about when I might buy food for the upcoming camping trip.

I'm just about juggling everything, pleased to have bought chicken wire for my boy's school project. And I had three courses tonight, pushing the boat out!!

cobblers

Despite some dodgy racial stereotyping, I enjoyed the film the cobbler. I won't spoil the plot in case you ever watch it, but I liked the somewhat ridiculous premise.
I'm looking forward to work today, I get to choose what I'll be eating tomorrow night at my colleague's leaving do.
I have finally remembered that all I need to do is live in and appreciate the present and the future will take care of itself as then it will be the present at the moment it is meant to be the present. I am proud of my thinking :-)
I also realise I've been wearing the wrong cape!!! At some level I think I've been holding a mental image of myself in a superhero cape and it's made of mdf so the shoulders can be really broad and sturdy to handle everything. Only it's not very comfy, or handy for going about my daily life. But now I've realized, I'm able to swap it - I've now picked this lovely shimmering silk swishy cape and it's Teflon coated, so instead of bearing burdens, today everything can just slide straight off and not even leave a mark - hurrah!!

reliance

This time next week I'll be coming to end of a camping trip (I hope it's drier and warmer). After a short session at work today, I'm very much hoping I might turn my attention (unwillingly) to trying to get myself a phone, as my current one's battery lasts less than 24 hours even if I don't use it for making calls, accessing the internet or taking photos, all of which I'll want to do at the camp. The thought of not being able to be in touch with loved ones is unthinkable.

Who would have thought? Doing something stressful (choosing a new phone) is stressy when you're already stressed!!! I've purchased one now tho and it's coming tomorrow (blimey). Whether I can work out how to transfer everything over remains to be seen, but it does mean I can keep in touch over the weekend. Hurrah!

life doesn't stop

The thing that surprised me most when I went to Auschwitz as a teenager, was the the birds still sang. Somehow I felt outraged - didn't they understand what had gone on there and that as a mark of respect no joyous singing should occur in that space. Of course the birds don't know. And of course hope returns, life goes on, even in the darkest of places. Can you see why I might feel that way tho?

plans

I'm just now sitting down for my first cup of tea of the day. It's been a day. Tomorrow morning the plan is to get to a cake event and then the last of the collecting in the afternoon - I recall it being pointless on a Saturday morning. There's even a potential quiz evening tomorrow night but let's see how it goes - plans and reality can be very different things!!

toaster settings

Someone turned the toaster up to full whack and I didn't notice so have had to scrape the carbon off my lunchtime toast before adding the marmite.
That's the thing about any any every relationship we have - it impacts. People do things differently to how we'd do them, and some things then can make small or massive differences in our lives.
One of the key lessons I learned from my degree is that it's not possible to remove ourselves from a situation - that whatever we observe/measure/record is in some way affected by our presence.

it will soon be done

I didn't collect much money in my 2 hour stint last night. I like to ideally collect more than I'd have earned in that time, and didn't manage that target in that stretch (tho have easily done that overall). And yet, it was very much worth it. I sometimes tell people I use the week as an excuse for knocking on people's doors to chat. I had several amazing chats.
I'm not of the view that things happen for a purpose. I am of the view that we can have good things come out of those things that happen. So last night I was able to share that as a divorced woman I have still found church to be a welcoming place. I was able to connect with others who knew that whilst my experiences would obviously differ from theirs, they could see that I too had felt pain.

Last day of tests for my son, and hopefully today will see the end of the bulk of my collecting as tomorrow I want to get to the school barbecue and choir. There's also the not so small matter of work to shoehorn in.

overdoing it

I have 30 mins to walk the dog to coincide with my boy's drumming lesson. There are lots of paths close to the teacher's house in the open air and I always enjoy my walks. I have learned the boundaries - walking for 15 mins then turning back. Last night I thought I'd stretch it a little, see if I could go that bit further and identify the building on the horizon. Only then there was an unexpected delay and so got back to the ' turn around here' tree marker with three rather than the usual 15 mins to go. I have discovered an additional bridle path tho which I suspect could take me on a loop if we walked really quickly. If next week I take the other path I think joins it, and jog, I will be able to test that theory.
And so I conclude that there are actual limits and if I exceed them there are consequences (my calf muscles are feeling those consequences). But that if you don't push beyond the limits we set ourselves, we don't make such interesting discoveries.

Is it me or is this week really long?? I can't believe it's only wednesday. I'm not going to choir tonight as there's still so much collecting to do. Will have to sing on doorsteps. Last night it was "Let it go"

What is General Knowledge anyway?

I had some good conversations with various folk yesterday - was far too tired to go out for longer than 30 mins in the evening tho so not exactly sure when I'll be doing all my follow up visits.
I felt I shot myself in the foot at one point tho. One man told me he had a policy of never giving at the door. Wanting to affirm him in his decision, what came out of my mouth was "I think that's a very good policy" which kind of invalidated my day's activity. What I wish I'd warmly said was "I understand that policy and should you want to donate online or over the phone the details are all on the envelope". Who amongst us has not at some point thought of a better response after the event?

My message for today is this:
"Never put the keys to your happiness in someone else's pocket"

It's really hard when the happiness of those closest to us is so important to us. I know I'll be working hard on this today - if I get deeper insight as to how it's possible, I will share!

It's my son's SATS week this week and I'm trying to keep things running smoothly. I quite liked the buzz of exams when I was younger, maybe cos I often did well in them. I've been remembering tho how hopeless I was at General Knowledge - at primary school each year we had an exam in this and I would get a low score as I didn't watch the news and never knew who the Russian leader was. I still neither watch the news nor know the names of pretty much any "leader". I wondered if that was, and is, defiance as to who we see has power and importance? So yesterday I learned the name of someone who invited me in to see the changes they've made to the house so that her ill husband can now sleep downstairs. That's not going to be in any exam but I believe has more significance in my life than the name of any politician.

being celebrated

I am a woman of many talents. Technological competence is not one of them. Last week I had to have texted instructions as to how to turn my TV on so I could watch about the election (seriously. It's not just an on off switch like in the good old days. There are two remotes and both need fiddling to something or another). I am now waiting for a month I think they said, before I can access an old email account. I only really want to try and work out how long it is since I first took over the reins of organising the collection in my local area (as it's before the onset of my current email account, which is how I "remember" most things.) I think I've been collecting house to house for the 15 years I've been here, that started with just a couple of streets but of late has grown to 11. I quickly took on the role of co-ordinating my local church which raises around £700 in the week. Then I additionally became the person who resources and arranges the collection and activity in my patch which encompasses around 10 churches. I think this might be my tenth year of that. We usually get just over or under £5,000. Clearly I'm not single handedly raising that, but I am making it happen (when I remember to order the paying in slips. Seems the money bit isn't such a priority for me). So with quizzes and collections throughout the whole of the year, I think it's safe to assume in my time of co-ordinating I've helped amass around £50,000, which is also the amount Christian Aid released immediately following the earthquake in Nepal.
This may sound like blowing my own trumpet - sorry if it does, but I have found it's motivating me when it can sometimes feel a bit much (today for example, my main day to collect and it's teeming with rain). Right now I'm feeling well appreciated following the service last night. I only met the host for the first time last month, and can see that his warm and uplifting way with people is fruitful. I liked his "preach" (I've not heard it called this without the ing before), in which he spoke of how all our potential should be reached not wasted. To make this point he tore up a ten pound note into very small pieces, which I (of course) collected up to see if I can stick together and replace at a bank. I told him I liked his visual and yet was of the theology that nothing is lost or wasted. I've looked up on line and see my 18 pieces can be replaced if it was accidental - I'm not sure what will happen when I say it wasn't unintentional.

Being applauded was embarrassing. And yet I've spoken before of how we might all feel differently about ourselves if we were celebrated more fully, if the whole class errupted in cheers everytime we arrived (there's a guy at choir who is so good at doing this). Having moaned last week about not being celebrated as a good girl, I certainly get celebrated last night. I hope you get celebrated today in whatever ways too. It's lovely :)

My head is pounding after my street pounding. Ironically I think it's probably due to the sun - it stopped raining almost as soon as I moaned about it, and my head doesn't do well in the sun (am I ever happy??! Well, yes, honestly, I am!) I didn't have the best of starts, no-one in for the first dozen houses, but i've had some good listenings since then, and some donations too - not counted them yet. Still have a few more houses to go before today is done. For my first nearly 3 hour stint I had "you raise me up" in my head, whearas post lunch I was humming Bring me sunshine on people's doorsteps. I think i'd best get to the post office first but wonder what my later earworm will be?

happy to be a loser

I have only just read the fab piece from Giles Fraser (I like Giles Fraser and should probably read him more often, but I just don't seem to read as much as I could):

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/belief/2015/apr/03/christianity-when-properly-understood-religion-losers

It seems fitting as I have noticed various comments these last couple of days about those on the left being sore losers. I think discussing politics can be tricky - like anything it takes time and open mindedness and people can get forced into entrenched positions rather than keep listening to what is on the heart of the other person. I can find I'm dismissed as an idealist, and I admit it can be a real challenge to me to understand right wing views of others when I get to see the damage those views can cause.

I wonder if church this week will leave me outraged or inspired. Just over two weeks ago the horrific earthquake caused devasation in Nepal and surrounding areas. I understood how it could perhaps not be mentioned that Sunday - perhaps the preacher hadn't heard the news. I wrote something for the church notices the following week about donating and went in full expectation that it would be referred to in last week's service. So imagine my dismay when, having prayed for the new baby princess, the prayers were then concluded with a "we now bring in silence our own concerns" and still not a single mention in the entire service or prayers. Now, whilst generally a good girl who obeys requests for silence, I am a follower of a God of the poor, not of the privileged, so I did not keep silent.

I don't envy anyone preaching immediately after an election. I know we go to church to worship and not to debate our diverse political persuasions. As a place of welcome to all, they will be made up of people who vote in varying ways for various reasons. I also go to church to build community and to be inspired to bring about God's kingdom. For me personally - and I know I'm not alone, tho also not agreed with fully - that now looks set to become harder over the next five years. It will mean those of us with more will need to do more and give more to counter hunger, for example. As a church we do well at supporting our local food bank. Maybe today I will take some tins of food as well as my Christian Aid week posters, envelopes and sign up cards. Mostly tho I need to take an open heart. Church is a place I and others can take our hurts but it's not a place to take them out on others. It will be good to show solidarity with anyone else who is also shocked by the election, but we all will be impacted one way or another.

...The preacher was ace, hurrah! I'm now getting mightily anxious tho that no-one will come to the evening service I've organized. It's a churches together one, but some of those churches have special services of their own and I've been told by various folk that they can't come, and in fact only 2 people have told me they are coming. It's being hosted by a new church, their first time, it will be a shame if it's not well attended.
... Service was much lovelier than I'd anticipated, the guy hosting it kept publicly affirming all I do. I shall blog on it tomorrow :)

rain rain go away

I'm in a very different place this Saturday to last. I don't know if it's just to do with having my offspring in the house. I know loneliness is not all to do with being alone, we can feel lonely when surrounded by others. One is asleep, the other on the internet - I so enjoy hearing his frequent uncontained laughter.
I think the main difference is that today is one of the days when I can rest in the security of being loved. I'm not actually loved anymore today than a week ago, I can just feel it today. Being offered gentle support, people being in touch, being made a hot drink, these little things help me feel the reality. We sang some ace songs at choir last night about leaning on each other, being strong on one another's shoulders, and I could feel the love and acceptance. We did a great job of countering the gloom that pervaded yesterday for so many of my lovely friends who simply were in shock at the result of the election.
Today I'm hoping will be much less damp and dismal. It's my busiest week of the year this week, as well as my boy's SATS, so the plan is to have a gentle weekend. But I need to get out several times, for provisions, and to make a start on envelope delivery. I'm also regretting that we still haven't gotten round to buying covers for the new, expensive and now very sodden garden chairs...

Great start, in buoyant mood so did an extra street whilst I was passing - that's an advantage of being organiser, I know no one else is doing it so can choose what I want. Hope I don't rue my enthusiasm later in the week! And it turned out I didn't need my fleece, winter jacket and scarf ...

VE day

I'm writing this before I have a full sense of what's happening election wise. I may rewrite, tho am starting work with an 8.50am call tomorrow before going out for a 10am meeting and not getting into the office til a very later lunch. Staying up to watch Results Come In may not make sense. Contrary to common belief, I don't always do what's sensible. In fact this week I've been a little tired of doing what's sensible. (* stayed up a while. Tired now and very disheartened. Don't people care about things like our nhs, why we need so many foodbanks, the suicide rate amongst those most affected by cuts??)

My boy's school is marking VE day today. It was suggested I make him a VE day packed lunch. My usually vivid imagination ran dry tho, it was miracle enough we had bread in to make anything (does that sound rationing like, see, perhaps I'm getting into it after all). I wrote a "happy VE day" note and popped it into his plastic lunch box. Perhaps I could just transfer it all into a brown paper bag and hope that would suffice?

double glitter

In my afterrnoon demo I used red glitter, and then green in the evening one (perhaps there was a subconscious election thing going on in my head?) Second time round I tipped in far too much. As oil is also used in the demo, and I immerse my hand in it, my hand emerged absolutely coated in green sparkles. This was my hand after several attempts at scrubbing it off - and at choir I was liberally sprinkling the stuff whenever I clapped :)
A difficult day, there were some sparkly people in it nonetheless. Today I have an evening at home for which I'm very grateful.

I love voting, I love feeling like I'm participating in something immense. The polling station was buzzing and I met several people I knew and had various community minded chats. I feel well embedded in my local community. I wonder if I'll still feel as empowered and joyous once the results are in?

I'm no longer glittery but there was residual evidence over the things I'd touched yesterday, especially the items I'd used at work last night. We leave impressions and imprints - sometimes sparkly, sometimes not - I think we get to make those choices :)

wildflowers, weeds and other delights

Before the soaking on my walk I did manage to smell the bluebells. I was prompted by an interesting discussion on the radio on our way to the drumming lesson. Unlike Spanish bluebells which smell of onions, English bluebells are trying to entice bees into the dark woodland and smell of apple, lemon, mango, lychees, ginger and mown grass. Apparently. Despite my super sensitive nose, I'm not a wine taster type and so didn't really get all those hints, it just smelt "nice" (see why I'm not a wine buff?)

As a teenager, I had a delightful English exam (I can't remember if it was GCSE or A level) in which I described at length a walk through the bluebells in Dufton Ghyll. I thoroughly enjoyed writing it and was somewhat sad that unlike other essays I couldn't get to keep it. According to the guy on the radio being interviewed, bluebells are the nation's favourite wildflower. It won't surprise you to know that I don't really do favourites and haven't gone about ranking my preferences - I delight in pretty much all flowers and whatever is in front of me gets admired for being awesomely unique.

When even younger, my sister and I sat with 2 of our cousins on the pavement outside their house trying to sell daisies and dandelions to passers by. It didn't really draw much business - I've clearly never been cut out to be an entrepreneur. But I love the fact that I saw the beauty in what others class as weeds. My son still often picks me dandelions for a vase (one of the few nature facts I remember my Dad sharing when I was very little is that dandelion is from "dents de lion", lion's teeth - I've today learned that's from the sharply indented leaves). There's a section in my son's baby memories book (a rare section I've completed) with space for pressed flowers given to me on the birth of the baby. In it are the daisies my girly picked and gave to me anxiously as I left her to go into hospital to deliver her new brother.

So, there's a whole heap of stories about me and wild flowers. I'm still feeling heavy hearted and squeezed so have started a jigsaw - am loving the colours and textures depicted.

squeezed

10.10pm on bank holiday monday and I (pretty much) finished everything on my to do list (for the saturday remember. ahem). Just a quick call before work today and that then should be everything done. Just in the nick of time as this is set to be a ridiculous week. The sort where the evenings also have stuff/work in them - wednesday for example, has just an hour between coming in from one workshop and needing for us all to have tea, get the dog walked etc, before I'm then out to lead another. I've not done two of these in one day before, I wonder how that will go.
The good news is tho that my girly is making an actual meal in her food tech today - the timing of that is great as again there is such a limited time between getting in from work and turning out again, this time for drumming. Maybe I'll walk the dog there - I did that successfully last week, here's a pic:

Sometimes during my boy's drumming lesson I just sit and text/play word games. I was pleased to play a slightly silly word recently that didn't score highly, but was just a pleasure to play. I try and live my life like that if I can - it's not about the point scoring or the winning, but the joy in sharing/participating :)

appreciation from within

"Appreciation is the highest form of prayer, for it acknowledges the presence of good wherever you shine the light of your thankful thoughts" Alan Cohen

I've identified a root of my current malaise, a sense of being under appreciated. It helps to have something to focus on and I know the main answer is to appreciate myself. We don't become a parent, worker or friend in order to gain appreciation (or if we do we're in for a shock). So I shall be appreciative of myself - I handled some tricky situations really well last week and rather than rely on non-forthcoming gratitude I shall instead pat myself on the back.

Here is my current view. I've never blogged from my garden before. Maybe this is the shape of things to come. I bought it because I've never sat on such comfy garden chairs. I didn't realize when it was in the shop that once in my garden the table would reflect the beautiful tree branches. I'm feeling very appreciative indeed and definitely patting myself on the back for a choice well made.

My only company is trying to share my seat but he has muddy paws. I think I shall practice the art of enjoying my own company hearing the birdsong that will be drowned out once the gaggle (or should that be giggle?) of teenagers return from the shop. They too are finding the garden delightful, again well done me for deciding to make it lovely. See, self appreciation is ace!

view with a room

One of the first things I do upon entering a room is check out the view from the window. I spotted myself doing it yesterday when I got to see the rooms my kids have at their dad's new house. Growing up I loved looking at trees out of my bedroom window and now is no different. It's important not to see the pavement and people, just to watch the interplay of the branches and the ever changing sky. It's my place of choice to hang out and read, or chat to friends on the phone, or check fb or play online words games with my lovely friends.
Today unfortunately still has 7 items uncrossed from the to do list and that doesn't include the chores that have to happen on a daily basis like laundry and dog walking. So I will have to try and do them, yet my priority is to hang out with my boy, I'm hoping he might do some with me! Another goal is to spend time restoratively as I'm clearly out of balance, tho feel happier today for having identified its root and have written a separate blog on that to post when I get chance to finish it! Incredibly for a bank holiday, the sun is shining. So outdoor hanging out is a must. Hope you enjoy whatever you do with your day.

burning off the cake

I discovered that I am in some ways not geared up for partying. I couldn't locate my one small bag that passes as a handbag, I understand other women have collections but I don't have any. I also thought I'd put on some nail varnish - I'm not allowed to wear any to work as it could mask unclean nails, but as I was partying and it's a bank holiday weekend I thought I'd go for it. However it turns out that nail vanish doesn't last 23 years, so I've now chucked those bottles from my teens and went devoid of any masking, as usual.
In other ways I'm very geared up for partying. In some ways it is easier going alone, I could go and chat with anyone and met some interesting people to talk to and some fabulous folk to dance with. As people drifted away when it got late I did a commendable job of maintaining a (sometimes solitary) presence on the dancefloor - I had a lot of cake to burn off. And the dj was great, he warmed us up with various song/singing activities. I'm proud to have won my table points for recognising the Ghostbusters theme on its first note and we did some very enthusiastic air banjo.
My parents are coming today so I should have spent less of this weekend moping and more mopping, but they are understanding.

projection

I discovered this week that it's far too easy to interpret others people's actions/words in accordance with our own perspective. The feelings and worries we have can really impact upon what we hear in other people's communication with us.
I'm in a very different place this morning than this time yesterday, but I know that's how it goes. I've done a lot of being strong this week and to maintain that I know I sometimes need to do some leaning. I've even put the dishwasher on now even tho it might get sunnier later and so generate more solar energy  (I try and match my energy use to the sun as much as I can!) but I need some background sound as it's so quiet here, I'm off to a party tonight and really looking forwards to it, I need a good dance! I'm going by myself which can take a bit of courage, but am confident that once there I'll find people I know or will find new friends happy to dance with me, particularly if I go with the assumption that everyone there will be delighted to have my company. It's a great assumption to work with and one I offer to you to try when you're feeling doubtful.
Before then tho I have a ridiculously long list of unappealing tasks (14). If I can do them today tho it will mean I can spend the whole of Monday chilling with my boy. My girly now prefers to spend holidays with friends which is understandable, but I'm making the most of my boy time whilst it's still appealing to him :)

(I have done 2 things from the list and added one, this is progress. A friend is now coming over for a swing on my swinging bench. This is a very good thing).

Given in and put heating on. In May! It's so cold tho it was that or go back to bed. Struggling today but I have done 7 things off the list now. Tho one of those is "eat chocolate" that I added just so it could seem like I've made more progress!! I was sitting feeling very sorry for myself when the doorbell rang and it was a woman from church bearing a plate of leftover sandwiches she wondered if I'd want. Admittedly most were meat (lucky dog) but I was touched by the thought. Especially as she then followed it with some leftover cakes. Some may say God moves in mysterious ways :)