we are family

i’ve been thinking a lot about family. the newest member of my family arrived a few hours ago, with all the joy and excitement that brings. it was on what would have been my wedding anniversary, but as we aren’t together anymore, i was wondering what that meant for my new nephew. His older brothers knew Uncle Jon, but he won’t. I’ve been wondering - if my children get cousins on their dad’s side of the family, will i be their auntie? It’s all a bit complicated really. What is it that makes us family? I was simultaneously out celebrating my boyfriend’s birthday at his Auntie’s birthday - only she isn’t “really” an auntie, she is his mum’s best friend and called Auntie. So we don’t have to be related to feel someone is family. I was there with my children (about whom I have no doubt they are my family) and my boyfriend’s family - I don’t yet feel totally part of their family - is that me and how I feel? Can we just decide, like I think we can about other things, that we just belong and are wanted - we don’t have to wait for something that tells us we are now part of it? I’m a big fan of meaningful rituals that help us mark transitions, but surely a child is welcomed into a family long before a religious welcoming service, and people’s partners become part of a wider family before there is a commitment ceremony of some kind.

A friend who was living in Uganda once pointed out that the inequalities between myself and a family in Uganda was not any less than the inequalitites between him and his neighbours just because I lived further away from them than he did. I do like the “we are all neighbours” idea and think it’s probably true for family too. We are all family, whether we have blood links, marriage links, or just tenuous links. And if we were all family, would it make a difference as to how I interacted with you? I shall keep reflecting, my sister/brother :)

Mind The Gap!

Sometimes, there feels like a yawning gap between how I’d like to be and how I actually am. Turns out this isn’t unique to me - apparently none of us are perfect, and so fall short of how we’d like to behave/respond/live our lives.

So what do we do about it? I’m trying to rest my Stick (the metaphorical instrument I use to beat myself up with). Learn a new way of being with myself. Be a bit more forgiving of myself. Focus on how well I do instead of where I miss the mark. Sometimes I need a hand - the old ways of doing things are easy to fall back into, our ‘default’ modes of operation. But I’m smart, and skilled and not on my own... it may take some time - but I’ll get there :)

I delight in you/me

"Presume I like everything you write" I was told. Now this friend and I sometimes disagree on stuff, big time, so it wasn't necessarily a blanket approval of everything I do. But as a principle for life, I'm finding it most liberatory! The thoughts crashing round in my head are often self critical, and I assume others will find me wanting too, unless I Try My Hardest. At All Times.

So what a concept, to trust that everything I do is likeable and good enough. Not that I need anyone else's approval in any case...

It's why I like The Shack so much. There's a lot of folk who portray God as judgemental, harsh, admonishing. Whereas what makes my faith meaningful to me is the idea of God as pure love - someone who delights in my every breath, thought and mistake.

It's how I'd really like to be with others - but if I'm honest, I only manage to do it from time to time. 'Cos actually, I find those I love, and strangers too, a bit annoying at times - I don't delight in their mistakes, cos they impact on me. But it's what I'm aiming for. And for myself too... to delight in my every breath, thought, and my mistakes too. That will be great :)