communicating our hurts

you’ll know by now that i think connecting is important, that loving one another is all it is all about. i’ve got to notice again recently how our hurts can get in the way (i keep forgetting: our brilliant thinking can get clouded by our unresolved ‘stuff’)

so when i’m busy nursing my own hurts and doubts, it leaves me less willing/able to connect with others. and when someone tries to communicate their hurts to me, i can get panicky (are they having a go at me, do they not like me?) instead of instantly recognising that they just have a hurt they’re trying to deal with.

someone pointed out recently that maybe some folk try and start arguments as it’s the way they’ve learned to vent. i don’t feel comfortable with conflict - until i remember that again, it’s just people trying to communicate and connect.

that’s all we’re trying to do

and so i have choices - let my fear win by retreating into my self doubt. Or see it as an opportunity to connect. here’s a wonderful human-being showing a bit of themselves, sharing their doubts and hurts. if i can remember this in the moment, it transforms it from something scary into something wonderous. this person may be (intentionally or not) lashing out, they may want to cause hurt. but it’s only cos they’re feeling hurt themselves. i don’t have to let it play into my fears, but can instead see the vulnerable person they are, just like me with my hurts. no better, no worse, just hurting.

and hearing - really hearing - each others hurts is a transformative act in itself. if i keep remembering that then the fear won't win. Love wins :)

Relationships are everything

One of the organisations I volunteer with is called NCBI and we run workshops around conflict resolution and prejudice reduction. I have learnt a lot in my time with them, and one of the key things is prioritising keeping/making good relationships with people. As a Woman of Principles, I can sometime lose sight of what matters. Yes, I want justice for everyone, so yes, I want to end oppression, stand up for what is right, challenge people to rethink consumerism etc etc. But if i for a moment forget people’s humanity, then it just wasn’t worth it.

I’m feeling particularly pleased with myself this week, because I made a conscious decision to _not_ lose sight of people and my relationship with them because of a concern for having my needs met. So, there was a dispute over who was responsible for paying quite a bit of money for my boiler to be fixed - me, or a couple of different possible companies. At times, I wanted to get stroppy, and so had a bit of a cry with my friend, and then went back to the situation remembering that all these people I was talking to were warm and lovely people, doing their job as best they could. I have stayed upbeat and friendly - sometimes firm, but always keeping love for the people involved central, rather than my fear, hurt or stroppiness. So now, whilst it’s great to have a mended boiler, what’s even better is that i didn’t have to rob anyone else of their humanity in the process :)

Year of the Friend

It’s been a tricky year for me this last year, and as part of marking its end, i’m consciously celebrating the many friendships that have helped get me through.

I’m a firm believer in the commitments made in marriage, and think it is great when we meet someone with whom we want to share our whole life, and hope to grow old with. And yet, I also think we put a whole lot of emphasis on (heterosexual) couplehood that i think can undermine how full our lives are because of the range of people in our lives, rather than being made ‘complete’ by just a Special One.

That’s why i struggle with the phrase “my other half”. I like the sentiment of being made whole by being with someone... and yet how can one person possibly fulfil all our needs, and be everything we feel we are lacking in our life? For me, I’m very glad to have a whole range of wonderful people in my life, each of whom brings their unique qualities that add to the richness of my life.

So Thank you for being my friend :) xx