it’s not a competition

Self esteem can be a slippery thing I’ve found - maybe it’s just due to how my life is right now, but it does feel as if i have times of contented self assurance and times of intense doubt. But a phrase I seem to use repeatedly - to myself and others, is that “it’s not a competition.” I use it to remind myself that i needn’t compare myself to (either find myself wanting in comparison, usually, or occasionally to feel ‘better than’) other women, other parents, other kind people, whatever my insecurity of the moment is. I am indeed the only me, and cannot and should not try to be like anyone else - it doesn’t matter one jot how they are - what matters if I am giving “being me” my best shot.

It’s hard tho isn’t it...

I even say it when people are trying to compliment me - have you noticed that people sometimes struggle to appreciate us for ourselves without comparing us to others? So i might get told “that was the best xxx I’ve ever heard” - which could feel flattering - but i don’t want to feel good at the expense of someone from the previous week who if overhearing would now feel their xxx was not as good...

So I’m going to keep noticing when I feel tempted to compare myself, and encourage others to do likewise. :)

help me!

i’m not all that good at letting people help me. i like to be independent and it can be a struggle to remember our mutual interdependence. and yet i like to help others, so it’s useful for me to remember how hard it can be for some of us to accept help.

so what makes it hard?

admitting we are needy can be tricky, it makes us more vulnerable, can feel like we’re giving away some of our power/control. I think that if we hold some identities where our power has had to be fought for, this can be especially hard. So if we’re women, or working class, or a young person, for example, it can be hard to allow others to help us. For starters, they may not give us the help we actually need - it’s a risk, they might be so ingrained in their ‘dominant’ identity, they might do things their way, in the way they think is best for us, without checking what kind of help we are hoping for, what WE think it is we most need.

Or by admitting we need help, we worry it might confirm people’s stereotypes of us. I find it much easier to ask for help in the areas of my life where i don’t feel i have anything to prove. I get people to listen to me all the time cos i know it will help me. But i hate to come across as incompetent when it comes to say, technology, cos I don’t like to confirm in anyone’s minds that women are no good at that kind of thing. No pressure there then!!!

Also - what if i then 'owe' the person and can't return the favour? Or find in the future i need even more help - i don't want to 'use up' all their generosity now cos maybe i'll have a greater need later. So the fear could win. Or so could the love, and i could trust that they are happy and willing to help me just as often as i need, cos they're nice like that :)

So, I want to keep on welcoming people to help me, to give of themselves just as I want to offer myself, my time and my talents to others. And with such co-existing, I and the world will be much better :)