choose love not fear

I belatedly remembered that this is my favourite phrase ever, so should have been my blog name!

Simple at times, almost impossible at others, it's one of my mantras for living. Every single decision we make, encounter we have, I think we make this choice - do i act out of love, or fear? Choosing love means small stuff like smiling at a stranger, buying fairly traded coffee, or big stuff like caring for the planet, or responding with grace to someone having at go at us.

Sometimes I'm in an expansive place, easy to love everyone and everything. Other times, my buttons have been pressed, my gerbils roused and not yet liberated, and when someone seems hurtful or angry, I can want to lash out. We see it happening all the time. But my understanding of life is that we can choose not to be afraid of the other person's hurts and anger - recognise them as an expression of pain needing to be heard and healed. I may not be the person to help with that - i have that choice too. All I can control is my own response, and I can be fearful, or I can be loving.

Fear sells. Maralyn Manson, in Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine, first got me hooked on this - consumer pressure is fuelled by fear - buy this spot cream or else you won't attract others. Rob Bell also spoke of this recently in his Love Wins tour, when asked about why the idea of hell is peddled so furiously.

But the beliefs I hold tell me that love can be bigger. We can set our fears aside - will I get hurt, will i not be understood or liked, will I make an almighty mess of this? Maybe. We can decide to love anyway.

Hope you can make choices today out of love rather than fear :D

gerbil liberation

I have a friend with whom I share a gerbil metaphor. I actually think it should be hamsters but the discussion has gone on so long it's hard to escape the gerbil theme now. And that is relevant, cos that's what it can feel like with the gerbils.

We all have gerbils – things that can keep you awake in the middle of the night: thoughts, doubts, insecurities that fester. Things you revisit over and over again, it's like they're running round and round in a squeaky wheel that prevents you from knowing all will be well, that you are good enough, wanted and loved, so can sink back into contented rest.

For some people the gerbils have been carefully buried under a whole load of other things, cos it can feel just too scary to look at them. So they (subconsciously?) affect the way we operate, and sometimes come out to play and then get rapidly pushed down again. And sometimes a situation arises, or along comes someone like me, a bit like the pied piper of hamlyn, and prod and provokes and those gerbils just can't remain concealed. It can feel a bit rough, inspecting those gerbils rather than leaving them alone. But what an opportunity to look at how you actually feel, rather than pretend that everything is just fine.

Best thing to do with those gerbils is liberate them. You'll have good folk in your life who can help offer some keys, but it's only you who can let out your own gerbils. The keys are things like being listened to well, so those gerbils can be examined in their full blooded entirety rather than hidden away again as fast as possible. Things when inspected clearly in the light (hard to do at 4am I know) can become much more manageable then when left half imagined. And finding the gerbil antidote helps too – what is the contradiction to those insecurities – what is the truth you have to tell yourself... I am wanted/good enough/loved etc.

I am indebted to the many wonderful people who have kindly helped me fumble with my keys – I've released a lot of my own gerbils, mainly through something called Re-evaluation co-counselling. And how much lighter we feel without having to lug that nest of gerbils around everywhere with us!

Hoping you manage to free some of your own gerbils today :)

JOY!!!!!!!!!!

I unexpected exploded this morning...

Maybe it's the sunshine; maybe it's because I spent a whole lot of yesterday talking about love, listening to the importance of love, and being surrounded by people I love.

But this morning, my heart just couldn't contain all the joy anymore and it felt like I burst into a million tiny coloured pieces of paper.

I'd been debating with a friend whether we can ever have too much joy - I reckoned not, he believed our heads explode if we reach our limit. For me it wasn't my head, but I certainly had something that just couldn't stay inside anymore.

I don't claim to understand the intellectual complexities of the word "jouissance" but a quick look at wiki has me intrigued by the idea that there is only so much pleasure that we can bear.

I think we were created to love, and that in our knowing we are loved, our connections with ourselves, each other and our world can bring immense, irrepressible joy. Sometimes we have to seek it out, sometimes we just can't help but find it. Happy joy hunting :D

falling in love

is there anything more wonderful than hearing the words "I love you",

the total knowing we are loved?

is there anything more brilliant than saying those words to someone, or showing by a little something that we do, that they are precious?

I sometimes wonder if I should come with a warning sticker... "I shall fall in love with you"... because it's what I honestly believe we are supposed to do - to love absolutely every person we come across, with as much of our hearts as we possibly can. So if you bump into me on a good day, you get full on radiant beams and concern for you and your life, a listening ear and compassion in abundance. If I'm feeling a little squished, you may not get quite so much of me, I'll have my own stuff that gets in the way a bit.

So why the warning sticker? Is this not how every human being should expect to be greeted - with warmth and genuine delight that they exist? YES! Only it's often a bit more complicated than that - we connect with our own hurts, insecurities, past experiences. And in a world that celebrates competition and exclusivity, we can feel a bit miffed if someone goes about saying they love everyone - that hardly makes us special does it? And it's impossible to ignore the fact that we live in a highly sexualised culture... so my warning sticker may need to point out that just because I love you doesn't mean I want to go to bed with you... Sex is a way of connecting (for some people maybe the only way they've found of connecting), but sex isn't love.

So I hope that today I shall again be falling in love - lots of times - with every person I encounter - whether it's the first time we've met or the thousandth time. Let's spread the love :D